Hello everyone. I’ve been sick for the past couple of days, but I’m back in action. I came across a rather… weird story. Jeanette Sliwinski was a smokin’ hot ex-model for Fredericks of Hollywood and other various clothing companies. She was also a total fucking lunatic. She was recently sentenced for a crime that she accidentally committed about 2 years ago - MURDER.Daddy likes!I know what you’re thinking: “How could this lovely girl murder anyone?” Well, that’s where the crazy bitch part comes in. One day, Jeanette was on her way to a psychiatrist after a fight with her mom. All of a sudden, the idea of suicide struck her.Jeanette: “Hey, I should like totally like… kill myself! Hmm.. what’s the most careless way I could do it. I know! I’ll like totally smash my car full speed into someone else’s car.”Good thinking Jeanette! What’s the worst that could happen? She survived the crash, but the 3 passengers in the car she hit were killed instantly.It’s not quite November yet, but I award Jeanette Slutzinski the Sidecarsally.com Asshole of the Month Award!

Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner made history this week as she was recently elected president of Argentina. This is the first time in Argentina’s history that a woman has been elected president.WTF, I think that’s my 8th grade Spanish teacher. Mrs. Lopez!Some people call her the Latin Hillary. I think since she became president before Mrs. Clinton, Hillary should be called the American Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner. I doubt that would ever catch on though. Plus, this chick is way hotter than Hillary.Either way, I’d like to congratulate Kirchner on being the new president of this…Ahhh… just like the movies. Wait, I’ve never seen a movie about Argentina.From downtown Buenos Aries, it’s only a short hike to the Argentinian White House.Almost there… just on the other side of the third mountain back!

Hey! The Red Sox swept the Rockies in the World Series. It was their first time sweeping a team for the championship since 1918.”Wooo!!! Yayyy!!! We fucking won!”Guess what?Except for you, Boston.

Being so close to Halloween, I thought I’d look up some pictures of “real” ghosts and dispel some of the myths with simple explanations.There is a guy standing behind him, not a ghost.See how easy it is? I mean… I love the idea of ghosts and shit but come on. That’s not a fucking ghost. On to the next one…This is a picture of an old burned out building. There’s a little girl in the picture. She’s probably just there looking for old dolls and shit. Little girls do weird things some time - end of story. Next one…That’s Jigsaw from the Saw movies. NEXT!This one was tough, but under closer inspection, it’s obvious that the face behind the man is just some dude back there grabbing his ass.If anyone believes differently about any of these pictures, you’re wrong, but feel free to comment below.

It’s official! California’s #1 cash crop is marijuana according to recent findings. Fuck grapes and cabbages and whatever else they grow over there - move over for the closet grower. Grandma just thinks they’re flowers.Police are saying that the number of busts has increased dramatically since 9/11. I’m wondering what 9/11 has to do with the influx of growing pot. Is it that people are more nervous about terrorism and they feel the need to kick back and smoke? Maybe it’s the tighter border control that’s pushing people towards growing it themselves. Furthermore, where is all this tax money going when it’s supposed to be supporting the “war” on drugs? Let’s ask the president:Nevermind, he’s high too.Well shit, if everyone is smoking it and growing it, we should totally just legalize it. I dream of a day where everyone can smoke freely outside, at work, in elementary schools, church, funerals, or anywhere we want to. The only problem is, I think most people would just chill at home and do nothing.”I’ll get to it in a minute!”

Remember James Watson? Think way back, before you touched your first boobie.You learned his name in 8th grade biology. He discovered DNA!Personally, I don’t think it’s fair to say that he “discovered” DNA - the DNA has always been there. He just got lucky. I like to call him “The guy who got lucky and stumbled upon some DNA.” But either way, he’s a racist.Look how happy he is… Inside, it’s all hate.James recently retired immediately as chancellor of the Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory in New York after he got into some shit for saying things like “Black people are stupid.” He then contradicted himself by saying something like, “We shouldn’t discriminate against blacks because there’s plenty of them with talents” - which in itself is a racist comment lol.I have to defend old James. Not because I think what he said is true, but because he’s old as fuck. Old people say stupid things all the time. I think we should just leave him alone and let him go back to what he was probably doing in the 1950’s.Being a racist.

Talented (lies) Motown artist Kid Rock got arrested in Atlanta on Saturday after a show. No, it wasn’t a DUI and he didn’t get in trouble for fucking horses - despite his appearance, he’s from Detroit, not Kentucky.He got into a fight at a Waffle House.Mmmm… ROFLhouse.Nobody knows who won the fight, but the “other guy” was outnumbered 6 to 1 and Kid Rock doesn’t look too beat up in his mug shot.This guy banged Pamela Anderson.Kid Rock and his crew spent about 12 hours in jail and were charged with battery. I doubt he’ll be going back to jail for it, but if so, I’ll be looking forward to the Kid Rock Alcatraz Tour. Maybe I should review his new album - haha just kidding. “Only God Knows Whyyyyy.”

If you have been watching the news (or even walked by a TV) for the past few days or so, you’ll know that southern Cali is burning like a charcoal grill.Mmmm… Seriously though, it isn’t funny. Mmmm…There’s fires all over the goddamn place right now. Experts (fire experts?) say that the wildfires are being fueled by wind. Well.. they’re wrong because a fire can’t burn on wind - there’s gotta be grass or babies or something to burn right? On to the point.If you live in these places, you’re probably really warm right now.The real question is: How did these fires get started?The answer: Chris Crocker. The world’s biggest flamer.Oooh… she’s cute.I’ve narrowed the cause of the intense outbreak of fires to wind, dry conditions, and Chris Crocker’s flaming gay behavior. Way to go Chris. How many other natural disasters have you been responsible for you bastard?!Keep an eye out for more updates on this story.

Watching people eat it face first in front of an audience is one of my favorite things. Watching people fall into holes can definitely be filed under the category of “eating it.” In an L.A. Fashion Week show, some dickhead put a hole in the stage by doing a front flip and landing on his back on the runway. Guess what happens next? Yup… hilarity ensues.I think the question on all our minds is, “Was that her vagina?” Looks like her pussy has never seen a day of sunlight in its life.It’s just too bad that she didn’t fall all the way into the hole and had to be rescued like baby Jessica.Similarly, I think this is an older clip, but Beyonce fucking bites it head-over-heels during a performance. This is probably one of the most embarrassing falls I’ve ever seen. That’s right… eat it bitch!I hate her music so I felt a really great sense of justice watching that bitch take a dive. Her lip syncing never missed a beat - that’s talent baby.

Do you have little girls in your family that sit around all day doing dumb shit like playing with dolls or having gay little tea parties? Fuck that. Not any longer. If you want to be a cool big brother, buy her a Hello Kitty AK-47 from Glamguns.com.”You stole my Barbie. Now eat some lead, bitch.”If cutesy little Japanese characters aren’t her style, you can go back to the 80’s and buy a My Little Pony Carbine rifle. It’s perfect for any tea party massacre.My little executioner.Of course if all the neighborhood girls are going to be blowing each other’s tits off, your little girl shouldn’t leave the house without her Care Bear flak jacket.Awww!So next time you see little Sally playing with Dora the Explorer or watching Finding Nemo. Make sure to slap her lovingly and then explain to her the importance of protecting our country. Give her a gun and tell her to go terrorize some shit.