I’d like to start a segment by request where anyone can write me and ask me to give them advice about life.

Yeah, that’s right. I’m giving life advice to people lol.

Everyone will remain anonymous, so if you’d like an answer to a question send an e-mail to sidecarsally@gmail.com and I’ll try my best to answer it in a news post.

Today’s question came from a friend of mine who’s girlfriend was recently found to be cheating on him. She gave him an STD and now he wants to get revenge.

Question: “How can I get revenge on my slutty girlfriend for fucking other dudes? I want her to experience the same emotional and physical pain as I did when I found out she was cheating.”

Answer: First of all, you’re going to want to hit her where it really counts – her vagina. Since you still technically live together for a short while, find her favorite pair of black panties since she’s undoubtedly going to wear them the next time she leaves your house to fuck another guy.

Take a very small combination of the following things and rub them in the crotch and butthole areas of the panties: chili powder, fiberglass insulation, and cinnamon. Make sure that the amount you line her undies with is small and unnoticeable – trust me, her vagina will notice. If she is allergic to cats, rub a little feline dander in there too, just for good measure.

This is a foolproof way of getting her back and cockblocking on the asshole that is sticking it to her for the night.

Red hot revenge.

Everyone have a great weekend, I gotta run. Sorry for the minimal updates today. I’ll have better stuff for you on Monday <3

If you don’t know who Tila Tequila is, then you probably aren’t on Myspace. She also has a reality show on MTV where the lucky winner gets to hook up with her and make sweet beautiful babies. The restraining order against me prevented me from auditioning for the show. Since when is mailing a person a lock of your pubes grounds for a PPO!?

Mmm… slut sauce. I love you Tila.

A 19 year old kid from Washington recently got into a heap of shit for beating up a cop. His reason: “You took my nunchucks, and I’m pissed off that Tila Tequila hasn’t responded to any of my e-mails.”

This isn’t a joke.

The kid got into trouble for shoplifting, and when the cops searched his car and took his nunchucks, he got pissed and punched the cop in the face a few times. You never take a ninja’s chucks.

Looks like two black dildos chained together. Ninja porn.

The kid got his ass kicked by the officer that he hit and he was tasered as well. I love tasers.

There’s only two conditions where it’s OK to strike an officer: 1) You are crazy. 2) You’re Chuck Norris.

Judging from the circumstances, I think the kid was crazy, but also thought he actually was Chuck Norris. Hopefully he knows better now.

What would you do if your name was Alexander D. Smith? If you guessed “walk into a bank and try to open an account with a fake $1,000,000 bill” then you are a good guesser.

Too bad 10 out of 10 people know that there is no million dollar bill.

I’m just assuming that this guy must be at least somewhat mentally retarded. I don’t see why they needed to arrest him when they could have just laughed and pointed him to the nearest adult daycare.

He never would have been arrested if he just handed them the million dollar Santa bill.

Everybody loves Santa!

PS… I’m getting a new phone and still need numbers.

Well, Sprint has managed to fuck me over again.

You know, I really hate those fuckers at Sprint. Yesterday, my phone melted and pretty much caught on fire while plugged into the charger. I’ve heard stories of this but I thought it was an urban legend. I heard another urban legend about how farting and coughing at the same time will cause your body to explode but I haven’t tested that one yet.

To make a long story short, my phone died and I lost all my numbers. I also got kicked out of the Sprint Store in Madison Heights for getting a little… angry. Some harsh words were passed from me to the employees there and I smashed my phone into a million pieces and then trampled on it, all while telling every customer around me, “cancel your contracts before you get fucked!”

I wanted so badly to be John Goodman from The Big Lebowski when he says, “Do you see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!”

If you haven’t seen this, you probably should.

So… I need phone numbers from everyone. E-mail me at sidecarsally@gmail.com and give me your name and number. Or just message me on myspace. Thanks

Holy shit, I’m excited today. Broke college kids and unhealthy fatasses, listen up.

Easy Mac. Some people laugh at it, others eat it.

I used to eat Easy Mac all the time in college but it wasn’t anywhere near as good as the Kraft Mac in a box. Hehe… mac in a box. Easy Mac used to come in a flimsy little package and the sauce was a pale piss yellow and watery. Kraft even asked it’s consumers to measure a certain amount of water to use. I didn’t even know what a measuring cup looked like in college.

Well, say goodbye to those shitty little packets.

Goodbye, shitty little packet!

And say hello to the new and improved Easy Mac – in a cup.

Hello new and improved Easy Mac in a cup!

The new Easy Mac is much better. The sauce is creamy and yellow, like gonorrhea! But it doesn’t burn… unless it’s hot. I was having a shitty morning until I ate some of this stuff – it’s like golden sunshine poured over noodles from heaven.

Obviously, if I made a post dedicated to macaroni, you better get your ass to the store and pick some up immediately.