I’d like to start a segment by request where anyone can write me and ask me to give them advice about life.Yeah, that’s right. I’m giving life advice to people lol.Everyone will remain anonymous, so if you’d like an answer to a question send an e-mail to sidecarsally@gmail.com and I’ll try my best to answer it in a news post.Today’s question came from a friend of mine who’s girlfriend was recently found to be cheating on him. She gave him an STD and now he wants to get revenge.Question: “How can I get revenge on my slutty girlfriend for fucking other dudes? I want her to experience the same emotional and physical pain as I did when I found out she was cheating.”Answer: First of all, you’re going to want to hit her where it really counts - her vagina. Since you still technically live together for a short while, find her favorite pair of black panties since she’s undoubtedly going to wear them the next time she leaves your house to fuck another guy.Take a very small combination of the following things and rub them in the crotch and butthole areas of the panties: chili powder, fiberglass insulation, and cinnamon. Make sure that the amount you line her undies with is small and unnoticeable - trust me, her vagina will notice. If she is allergic to cats, rub a little feline dander in there too, just for good measure.This is a foolproof way of getting her back and cockblocking on the asshole that is sticking it to her for the night.Red hot revenge.Everyone have a great weekend, I gotta run. Sorry for the minimal updates today. I’ll have better stuff for you on Monday

If you don’t know who Tila Tequila is, then you probably aren’t on myspace. She also has a reality show on MTV where the lucky winner gets to hook up with her and make sweet beautiful babies. The restraining order against me prevented me from auditioning for the show. Since when is mailing a person a lock of your pubes grounds for a PPO!?Mmm… slut sauce. I love you Tila.A 19 year old kid from Washington recently got into a heap of shit for beating up a cop. His reason: “You took my nunchucks, and I’m pissed off that Tila Tequila hasn’t responded to any of my e-mails.”This isn’t a joke.The kid got into trouble for shoplifting, and when the cops searched his car and took his nunchucks, he got pissed and punched the cop in the face a few times. You never take a ninja’s chucks.Looks like two black dildos chained together. Ninja porn.The kid got his ass kicked by the officer that he hit and he was tasered as well. I love tasers.There’s only two conditions where it’s OK to strike an officer: 1) You are crazy. 2) You’re Chuck Norris.Judging from the circumstances, I think the kid was crazy, but also thought he actually was Chuck Norris. Hopefully he knows better now.

What would you do if your name was Alexander D. Smith? If you guessed “walk into a bank and try to open an account with a fake $1,000,000 bill” then you are a good guesser.Too bad 10 out of 10 people know that there is no million dollar bill.I’m just assuming that this guy must be at least somewhat mentally retarded. I don’t see why they needed to arrest him when they could have just laughed and pointed him to the nearest adult daycare.He never would have been arrested if he just handed them the million dollar Santa bill.Everybody loves Santa!PS… I’m getting a new phone and still need numbers.

Well, Sprint has managed to fuck me over again.You know, I really hate those fuckers at Sprint. Yesterday, my phone melted and pretty much caught on fire while plugged into the charger. I’ve heard stories of this but I thought it was an urban legend. I heard another urban legend about how farting and coughing at the same time will cause your body to explode but I haven’t tested that one yet.To make a long story short, my phone died and I lost all my numbers. I also got kicked out of the Sprint Store in Madison Heights for getting a little… angry. Some harsh words were passed from me to the employees there and I smashed my phone into a million pieces and then trampled on it, all while telling every customer around me, “cancel your contracts before you get fucked!”I wanted so badly to be John Goodman from The Big Lebowski when he says, “Do you see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!”If you haven’t seen this, you probably should.So… I need phone numbers from everyone. E-mail me at sidecarsally@gmail.com and give me your name and number. Or just message me on myspace. Thanks

Holy shit, I’m excited today. Broke college kids and unhealthy fatasses, listen up.Easy Mac. Some people laugh at it, others eat it.I used to eat Easy Mac all the time in college but it wasn’t anywhere near as good as the Kraft Mac in a box. Hehe… mac in a box. Easy Mac used to come in a flimsy little package and the sauce was a pale piss yellow and watery. Kraft even asked it’s consumers to measure a certain amount of water to use. I didn’t even know what a measuring cup looked like in college. Well, say goodbye to those shitty little packets.

Remember months ago when France was overcome by mobs of rioting teenagers? Only in France could a group of kids strike fear into the hearts of police officers. In America, you get blown away for throwing a rock at a cop, let alone hurling a flaming trashcan at one. Well, it just happened again.Cleanup has begun today after two days of successful rioting over a couple of teenagers that were killed when their scooter crashed into a police car. Apparently, the rumor was that the police fled the scene without trying to help the dying teens. Riots ensued.Le tired of riots.Turns out, multiple witnesses claimed to see the police officers who were involved in the wreck personally try to resuscitate the dying teens with CPR. Doesn’t that mean the riots were for no reason? It sure does - good job France! Maybe you guys should stick to what you’re best at… making my favorite foods.Mmm… breakfast.Mmm… lunch.And while you’re at it, try to improve on some other things that you’re notoriously bad at.(To the tune of “My Favorite Things”)French fries and French toastAnd wine from the valleys.Bitches who come onAnd view Sidecarsally.French people don’t shave their pits cuz it stings.These are a few of my favorite things.

On Tuesday, Hulk Hogan’s wife (nobody knows her name) filed for a divorce. Apparently, a Florida newspaper reporter called him and asked what the deal was, but the Hulkster didn’t even know that his wife had taken steps to end the marriage. He was quoted saying, “thanks for the great information” before hanging up the phone.Has anyone seen the Hulkster’s wife? Ugh. Imagine running over a buffalo with a semi truck and then plopping a big blonde wig on top of it. Then inflate the breast-areas of the dead animal with silicon tits and voila… Hulk’s wife! I wouldn’t be too upset if I were him because Mr. Hogan has a lot to offer - he’s a gentle giant, a great father, and he can cook.Sexytime!I’m sure there are thousands of women out there who’d like to taste the flavors of Hulkamania. I am one of them and I’m not even gay - I just fucking love Hulk Hogan. If I had to hand-pick a new wife for him, I would definitely choose the “female” wrestler Chyna. She’s in slightly better shape than his soon-to-be ex and she was in a porno called “1 Night in Chyna.”Beefcake!I just want the Hulkster to be happy - he deserves it. I hope him and Chyna hook up and have a sweet lovechild that favors the father.It’s just going to be hard pushing Chyna’s gigantic clit out of the way for sweet romance explosions in her verjeen.

Saturday was a sad day. As much as I’d like to make a sarcastic post about someone else’s misfortune, I cannot do that today. Casey Calvert, the guitarist for Hawthorne Heights passed away in his sleep on Saturday night.I’ll miss you buddy.He was a very talented guitarist and whether or not you like Hawthorne Heights or think that they are just another faggy emo band, you gotta respect them.Apparently, Casey’s death was not drug-related and the cause is speculated to be asthma-related. The only thing that I can’t help but mention is that Calvert’s final show before his death was in Detroit.Detroit claims another, this time, a guitarist.This odd coincidence brings to mind the question “What the fuck!?”RIP - Casey Calvert

There’s two types of alcoholics - The kind that sits around and just gets wasted (boring) or the kind that invents new ways to get fucked up (fun!).A new craze is starting to make it’s way over to America - getting drunk without actually drinking. Alcohol is now being snorted and inhaled. The method is called AWOL, or Alcohol Without Liquid. This is a great way for a lot of taste-sensitive vaginas - i mean people - to get drunk without actually having to taste that Five O’Clock vodka that they love so much.Call me old-fashioned, but… what the fuck!?The trend is really picking up in Europe too. Surprised? Even Prince Henry has been photographed several times sucking penis - I mean snorting alcohol. Geez, I’m bad today =)”Aye mate, it’s burnin’ me bloody nose!”"Experts” are stepping forward now with accusations that this is very dangerous and has a serious risk of brain damage. Anyone who’s ever snorted something bad or gotten totally mashed from inhalants should know that this is quite possibly very true. But you know what, it’s alcohol, not crack.I think that people who want to look like Britney Spears on a coke bender at the bar should have their own way to enjoy getting tore up. Just don’t complain when you’ve got Alzheimer’s and a deviated septum. Personally, I’d rather watch midget porn.Mmm… be right back.

I’m blessed - I was born with beautiful, long eyelashes. I just batted my lashes right now and a stack of papers flew right off my desk. People can’t stop staring at them sometimes. It gets annoying.Or maybe it was just that zit I had above my eye. Either way, people can’t stop staring at me and my lashes.Animals too, apparently.Anyway, there’s a drug for patients with glaucoma and one of the side effects is longer eye lashes. The drug is called Lumigan and cosmetic surgeons are starting to prescribe it for people who want longer eyelashes. Apparently it works freakishly fast in about 10 days and costs around $160.Wow. You are so beautiful now. Your life is complete. Go! Be in movies!Ughhh. Ladies, please. I promise you that no man looks at your eyelashes and thinks, “this person would be more attractive if they just had a little more hair growing above their eyes.”Instead of making more silly aesthetic decisions, just feel good about yourself. Look at this picture of kittens sitting in teacups.