Remember months ago when France was overcome by mobs of rioting teenagers? Only in France could a group of kids strike fear into the hearts of police officers. In America, you get blown away for throwing a rock at a cop, let alone hurling a flaming trashcan at one. Well, it just happened again.

Cleanup has begun today after two days of successful rioting over a couple of teenagers that were killed when their scooter crashed into a police car. Apparently, the rumor was that the police fled the scene without trying to help the dying teens. Riots ensued.

Le tired of riots.

Turns out, multiple witnesses claimed to see the police officers who were involved in the wreck personally try to resuscitate the dying teens with CPR. Doesn’t that mean the riots were for no reason? It sure does – good job France! Maybe you guys should stick to what you’re best at… making my favorite foods.

Mmm… breakfast.

Mmm… lunch.

And while you’re at it, try to improve on some other things that you’re notoriously bad at.

(To the tune of “My Favorite Things”)
French fries and French toast
And wine from the valleys.
Bitches who come on
And view Sidecarsally.
French people don’t shave their pits cuz it stings.
These are a few of my favorite things.

On Tuesday, Hulk Hogan’s wife (nobody knows her name) filed for a divorce. Apparently, a Florida newspaper reporter called him and asked what the deal was, but the Hulkster didn’t even know that his wife had taken steps to end the marriage. He was quoted saying, “thanks for the great information” before hanging up the phone.

Has anyone seen the Hulkster’s wife? Ugh. Imagine running over a buffalo with a semi truck and then plopping a big blonde wig on top of it. Then inflate the breast-areas of the dead animal with silicon tits and voila… Hulk’s wife! I wouldn’t be too upset if I were him because Mr. Hogan has a lot to offer – he’s a gentle giant, a great father, and he can cook.

Sexytime!

I’m sure there are thousands of women out there who’d like to taste the flavors of Hulkamania. I am one of them and I’m not even gay – I just fucking love Hulk Hogan. If I had to hand-pick a new wife for him, I would definitely choose the “female” wrestler Chyna. She’s in slightly better shape than his soon-to-be ex and she was in a porno called “1 Night in Chyna.”

Beefcake!

I just want the Hulkster to be happy – he deserves it. I hope him and Chyna hook up and have a sweet lovechild that favors the father.

It’s just going to be hard pushing Chyna’s gigantic clit out of the way for sweet romance explosions in her verjeen.

Saturday was a sad day. As much as I’d like to make a sarcastic post about someone else’s misfortune, I cannot do that today. Casey Calvert, the guitarist for Hawthorne Heights passed away in his sleep on Saturday night.

I’ll miss you buddy.

He was a very talented guitarist and whether or not you like Hawthorne Heights or think that they are just another faggy emo band, you gotta respect them.

Apparently, Casey’s death was not drug-related and the cause is speculated to be asthma-related. The only thing that I can’t help but mention is that Calvert’s final show before his death was in Detroit.

Detroit claims another, this time, a guitarist.

This odd coincidence brings to mind the question “What the fuck!?”

RIP – Casey Calvert

There are two types of alcoholics – The kind that sits around and just gets wasted (boring) or the kind that invents new ways to get fucked up (fun!).

A new craze is starting to make it’s way over to America – getting drunk without actually drinking. Alcohol is now being snorted and inhaled. The method is called AWOL, or Alcohol Without Liquid. This is a great way for a lot of taste-sensitive vaginas – i mean people – to get drunk without actually having to taste that Five O’Clock vodka that they love so much.

Call me old-fashioned, but… what the fuck!?

The trend is really picking up in Europe too. Surprised? Even Prince Henry has been photographed several times sucking penis – I mean snorting alcohol. Geez, I’m bad today =)

“Aye mate, it’s burnin’ me bloody nose!”

“Experts” are stepping forward now with accusations that this is very dangerous and has a serious risk of brain damage. Anyone who’s ever snorted something bad or gotten totally mashed from inhalants should know that this is quite possibly very true. But you know what, it’s alcohol, not crack.

I think that people who want to look like Britney Spears on a coke bender at the bar should have their own way to enjoy getting tore up. Just don’t complain when you’ve got Alzheimer’s and a deviated septum. Personally, I’d rather watch midget porn.

Mmm… be right back.

I’m blessed – I was born with beautiful, long eyelashes. I just batted my lashes right now and a stack of papers flew right off my desk. People can’t stop staring at them sometimes. It gets annoying.

Or maybe it was just that zit I had above my eye. Either way, people can’t stop staring at me and my lashes.

Animals too, apparently.

Anyway, there’s a drug for patients with glaucoma and one of the side effects is longer eye lashes. The drug is called Lumigan and cosmetic surgeons are starting to prescribe it for people who want longer eyelashes. Apparently it works freakishly fast in about 10 days and costs around $160.

Wow. You are so beautiful now. Your life is complete. Go! Be in movies!

Ughhh. Ladies, please. I promise you that no man looks at your eyelashes and thinks, “this person would be more attractive if they just had a little more hair growing above their eyes.”

Instead of making more silly aesthetic decisions, just feel good about yourself. Look at this picture of kittens sitting in teacups.