Hey everyone. Happy Friday… Jesus, I didn’t think I was going to make it through the week but it’s all good now. I want to apologize for not having a better post today, but I’ve been crazy busy at work and I only have time for Fat Chick Friday. I’ve got a couple of youtube videos for… entertainment I guess.Watch 3 fat chicks beat up on a skinny gangster outside of a club in England.Anyone seen his dignity?This one is rather appalling and I almost threw up in my mouth a little, but it’s good to see this hottie getting some exercise.Hahaha… 5 jumping jacks and she’s spent.Everyone have a good weekend. Next week (or possibly this weekend), I’ll have some better stuff for you to read. I’ve got a great story about a 13 year old getting pulled over for drinking and driving with his dad in the passenger seat

People Magazine must have a bunch of grannies with cataracts judging the Sexiest Man Alive awards. This year they picked Matt Dillon…err…. Damon.Uhhh, no.I’m totally going to sound gay in this post, but Matt Damon isn’t that sexy. To say that someone is the sexiest man alive is kind of a big deal. When I think of Matt Damon, I think of him years ago when he had the stupidest haircut ever.Bo Rics what!Don’t get me wrong - I like Matt Damon as an actor, but he’s a short, average looking man with great acting ability. You know who else has great abilities? Me. One time a cop pulled me over and asked if I knew what I did wrong. I told him I didn’t know, but I was totally acting!Sadly, he knew I meant to run over that ginger kid in the street, and I still got a ticket.Well, I’m not going to rain on his parade. Congrats Matt Damon, you’re just lucky I’m not famous… yet.2008 baby!

Today’s post is a history lesson about why November 14th is a great day. Exactly 24 years ago today a great man was born. He would grow up to have a kickass beard with shades of auburn, blonde, and dark brown. That man is me. Fuck yeah.OK, enough of the joking around - it’s time to learn some shit.November 14th - EventsThis is actually kind of depressing. Most of the major historical events that happened on November 14th have to deal with wars or murders. However, I did find out that Czechoslovakia became a republic on this day. They got to change their country’s name to the “Czech Republic” meanwhile, the other part of the country was left to suffer as “Slovakia”… that’s just boring.This country is shaped like a…. shit, I don’t even know.In 1991, on my birthday, a disgruntled ex-postal worker went into the Royal Oak Post Office a couple miles from my house and blew away four people before blowing his own head off. This incident made the term “going postal on your ass” popular. I still use that term whenever someone tries to eat my Butterfinger.The rest of the shit that happened on November 14th would bore the hell out of you, so I will continue on to interesting people that share my birthday.November 14th - Famous BirthsMe (1983) - The reason you are reading this ridiculous shit.Claude Monet (1840) - He painted amazing pictures of extremely boring shit. Twigs, flowers, women, kids… ughhhhh. But they look nice.Prince Charles (1948) - The prince of Wales. What an honor. What an ugly son of a bitch. Rumor has it, he has 3 testicles.Condoleezza Rice (1954) - US Secretary of State and full-time horse-tooth granny. Go Condy!Yanni (1954) - Yeah that’s right. Swedish piano sensationalist sexbomb Yanni!So there you have it. November 14th. Probably the single most important day in history. Enjoy my birthday - I know I will.

First of all, I just would like to give a big “FUCK YOU!” to the Secretary of State for being closed yesterday for Veteran’s Day. I don’t see how me getting my tabs renewed has anything to do with veterans.As you should be well aware, tomorrow is my birthday. Birthdays make me horny for some reason.One more day :DSince so many people love me because I’m awesome, I thought it would be a good idea to compose a birthday wish list. I think it would be great if I received one or all of the following items:A Unicorn - I watched Legend a couple weeks ago and I really need one of these magical animals.Military Tank - I’m sick of road construction everywhere plus I got a few things that need blowed up.Bionic Arms or Legs - I want to be able to either run like a cheetah or crush people into little pieces.Money - Several thousand $100 bills in a nice briefcase would be fine.A Gun - To protect my money.A Parachute - Just in case I ever need one.New Shoes - Preferably something comfortable and work-safe (not high heels).A Personal Midget - To give me advice about life and dance for me when I’m bored.Since most of these items are ridiculously expensive - except for the parachute and shoes - if you’re feeling gracious, you can donate to my birthday fund by clicking the link below. Sidecarsally.com has almost 5000 hits, which is crazy. I really appreciate everyone who visits. I wish I could give you all cupcakes or something, but I’m out of eggs.

What do you get when you cross a Labrador and a Poodle? The answer is not “an ugly piece of shit” like you should have guessed - it’s a Labradoodle!No, this isn’t a stuffed animal from the local carnival.I hate these dogs. They may be good pets, but so are turtles, and turtles don’t shit in the floor and look like a shag carpet rug that’s been wadded up in the corner of your garage for 30 years.Apparently, labradoodles are expensive breeds. If the idea is to find the ugliest fucking dog alive and pay an insane amount of money for it, I’ve got a few choice picks for you… These are probably the first few test results of a labradoodle anyway.

Donda West kicked the bucket recently due to the mysterious cause of “cosmetic surgery complications.” Being that she was 58 years old, I doubt she was getting breast implants - the only logical thing to guess is that she was getting some kind of tooth reduction surgery.Yeeesh.I don’t normally make fun of dead mothers but I’ve already accepted the fact that I’m going to hell when I die. Oh, plus it’s my birthday in TWO days so I can say whatever I want. Watch this… BOOBS! FUCK! See?Plus I don’t really like Kayne West - I think he’s an asshole for making Mike Meyers uncomfortable on live television.”Mike Meyers has a tiny penis. I saw it backstage” - Kanye West

Today, while walking out to my car at lunch, I tried to open my car door with a cigarette instead of my key. I’m awarding myself the very first and very honorary Idiot of the Day Award!So yeah, congratulations to me for being awarded the first Sidecarsally.com Idiot of the Day award.

Today is a special occasion - it’s Fat Chick Friday! This is not for everyone though.I was browsing Youtube.com looking for videos of grotesquely overweight women wearing lingerie so I could wank off, and I found some classic footage (sound will be necessary for the full effect).Daaaaamn girl. I’m turned on now.Ew. OK. So anyway I think every Friday, I should post a video of a fat chick that I’d like to stick it to.

Remember when you were a kid and you were like, “Mannn, I wish I could find a toy made with date rape drugs!”No?OK, maybe that was just me, but anyway…A popular new toy, Aqua Dots was massively recalled after a bunch of kids started eating them and going into comas. You aren’t supposed to eat Aqua Dots to begin with, but we all know kids do stupid shit sometimes.”Yay, I peed in the pool!”As it turns out, Aqua Dots - when metabolized by the human body - produce the drug GHB (also known as the date rape drug). Was this an accident, or did some mad scientist do it on purpose so a bunch of little kids would be running around trying to bone each other?Ewww.I don’t know what the commotion is all about. I can think of a dozen other things that are much more harmful for kids to eat. To name a few: Bleach, acid, and razor blades. Forget about the little kids - I wanna try some fucking Aqua Dots and rape myself!

Cops are getting really sneaky these days. Like ninjas.”Hiiyawww!”Recently, Ozzy Ozbourne had a tour stop in Fargo, ND and a local sheriff took it upon himself to set up a sting operation to catch some people with outstanding warrants… among them were undoubtedly some deadbeat dads.The most valuable reading experience you’ll ever have.40 unsuspecting criminals were personally invited VIP-style by a fake production company that the sheriff made up and were promptly arrested after showing up to the show. I must admit, that’s pretty fucking clever haha.Ozzy was pretty pissed off about it. He was quoted saying “This Sheriff should be ashamed of himself for using my celebrity to arrest these criminals.” At least that’s what people thought that’s what he said - nobody can understand that old fart anymore, unless he’s singing.”I am iron mannnn!”Either way, I think it’s a good thing that some of those criminals were busted. Now some little bastard kids can finally have some hope of child support.