Hey everyone. Happy Friday… Jesus, I didn’t think I was going to make it through the week but it’s all good now. I want to apologize for not having a better post today, but I’ve been crazy busy at work and I only have time for Fat Chick Friday. I’ve got a couple of youtube videos for… entertainment I guess.

Watch 3 fat chicks beat up on a skinny gangster outside of a club in England.

Anyone seen his dignity?

This one is rather appalling and I almost threw up in my mouth a little, but it’s good to see this hottie getting some exercise.

Hahaha… 5 jumping jacks and she’s spent.

Everyone have a good weekend. Next week (or possibly this weekend), I’ll have some better stuff for you to read. I’ve got a great story about a 13 year old getting pulled over for drinking and driving with his dad in the passenger seat <3

People Magazine must have a bunch of grannies with cataracts judging the Sexiest Man Alive awards. This year they picked Matt Dillon…err…. Damon.

Uhhh, no.

I’m totally going to sound gay in this post, but Matt Damon isn’t that sexy. To say that someone is the sexiest man alive is kind of a big deal. When I think of Matt Damon, I think of him years ago when he had the stupidest haircut ever.

Bo Rics what!

Don’t get me wrong – I like Matt Damon as an actor, but he’s a short, average looking man with great acting ability. You know who else has great abilities? Me. One time a cop pulled me over and asked if I knew what I did wrong. I told him I didn’t know, but I was totally acting!

Sadly, he knew I meant to run over that ginger kid in the street, and I still got a ticket.

Well, I’m not going to rain on his parade. Congrats Matt Damon, you’re just lucky I’m not famous… yet.

2008 baby!

Today’s post is a history lesson about why November 14th is a great day. Exactly 24 years ago today a great man was born. He would grow up to have a kickass beard with shades of auburn, blonde, and dark brown. That man is me. Fuck yeah.

OK, enough of the joking around – it’s time to learn some shit.

November 14th – Events

This is actually kind of depressing. Most of the major historical events that happened on November 14th have to deal with wars or murders. However, I did find out that Czechoslovakia became a republic on this day. They got to change their country’s name to the “Czech Republic” meanwhile, the other part of the country was left to suffer as “Slovakia”… that’s just boring.

This country is shaped like a…. shit, I don’t even know.

In 1991, on my birthday, a disgruntled ex-postal worker went into the Royal Oak Post Office a couple miles from my house and blew away four people before blowing his own head off. This incident made the term “going postal on your ass” popular. I still use that term whenever someone tries to eat my Butterfinger.

The rest of the shit that happened on November 14th would bore the hell out of you, so I will continue on to interesting people that share my birthday.

November 14th – Famous Births

Me (1983) – The reason you are reading this ridiculous shit.

Claude Monet (1840) – He painted amazing pictures of extremely boring shit. Twigs, flowers, women, kids… ughhhhh. But they look nice.

Prince Charles (1948) – The prince of Wales. What an honor. What an ugly son of a bitch. Rumor has it, he has 3 testicles.

Condoleezza Rice (1954) – US Secretary of State and full-time horse-tooth granny. Go Condy!

Yanni (1954) – Yeah that’s right. Swedish piano sensationalist sexbomb Yanni!

So there you have it. November 14th. Probably the single most important day in history. Enjoy my birthday – I know I will.

First of all, I just would like to give a big “FUCK YOU!” to the Secretary of State for being closed yesterday for Veteran’s Day. I don’t see how me getting my tabs renewed has anything to do with veterans.

As you should be well aware, tomorrow is my birthday. Birthdays make me horny for some reason.

One more day

Since so many people love me because I’m awesome, I thought it would be a good idea to compose a birthday wish list. I think it would be great if I received one or all of the following items:

• A Unicorn – I watched Legend a couple weeks ago and I really need one of these magical animals.
• Military Tank – I’m sick of road construction everywhere plus I got a few things that need blowed up.
• Bionic Arms or Legs – I want to be able to either run like a cheetah or crush people into little pieces.
• Money – Several thousand $100 bills in a nice briefcase would be fine.
• A Gun – To protect my money.
• A Parachute – Just in case I ever need one.
• New Shoes – Preferably something comfortable and work-safe (not high heels).
• A Personal Midget – To give me advice about life and dance for me when I’m bored.

Since most of these items are ridiculously expensive – except for the parachute and shoes – if you’re feeling gracious, you can donate to my birthday fund by clicking the link below. Sidecarsally.com has almost 5000 hits, which is crazy. I really appreciate everyone who visits. I wish I could give you all cupcakes or something, but I’m out of eggs.

What do you get when you cross a Labrador and a Poodle? The answer is not “an ugly piece of shit” like you should have guessed – it’s a Labradoodle!

No, this isn’t a stuffed animal from the local carnival.

I hate these dogs. They may be good pets, but so are turtles, and turtles don’t shit in the floor and look like a shag carpet rug that’s been wadded up in the corner of your garage for 30 years.

Apparently, labradoodles are expensive breeds. If the idea is to find the ugliest fucking dog alive and pay an insane amount of money for it, I’ve got a few choice picks for you…

These are probably the first few test results of a labradoodle anyway.