Charles Clark wins the Redneck Bastard award of the day for stealing underwear from his 61 year old neighbor.On December 23rd, while home alone, Charles Clark decided to smoke a little marijuana and mosey on over to his neighbors house where he would pop the door lock with a knife, enter her house, and steal her underwear. I know what you’re thinking: “Who hasn’t burglarized an old woman’s house and stole her panties?”"I just wanted to smell ‘em and try ‘em on for a sec.”Since apparently nothing better was going on in Santa Fe, Channel 13 News sent a reporter to the panty-thief’s house to harass him. When asked why he did it: “I was just stoned and stupid.”Fuck you Charles Clark, you bastard. You’re making other pot smokers look bad. Anyone who smokes it can tell you that a side effect is not getting the urge to steal under garments from old women - that’s not just stupid, it’s insane.He would have been much better off proclaiming his innocence and blaming it on the underpants gnomes - it’s just as crazy as the truth.”38DD - I’ll bet they hang to the floor. Yummy.”

Mischa Barton played the anorexic hottie Marissa on Fox’s “The OC.” She may be a decent actor, but she’s definitely not very good at acting sober while driving drunk.A very flattering picture.At 2:45AM this morning, the cops arrested Mischa for being drunk and driving… without a license. I think Mischa is bitter about her character being written off the OC, so she went binge drinking in hopes to get an E! True Hollywood Story.Anyone else find it ironic that her character was killed in a car accident on the show? Either way, that’s what she gets for being such a slut on the OC. And for being a bitch to her TV boyfriend Ryan Atwood and hooking up with that druggie bastard who ended up killing her in the car crash. Yeah, I used to watch it *blush*

I haven’t made a completely random post for a little while, so enjoy…Today, while sitting in my cubicle and “working” diligently, I came across something interesting on American Apparel’s website - porno. Truthfully, I was skimming through the model archives section looking for pictures of AA models wearing see-thru clothing - yeah, I’m a pervert. But I’m a smart pervert. If I get caught looking at suggestive things on AA’s website, I can play it off like I’m shopping for late x-mas gifts for a special lady. I’d still get a stern “talk” but it wouldn’t be like I was watching 2girls1cup or anything.I came across an American Apparel model known as Xochielt - don’t ask me how it’s pronounced. Well, I also happen to know Xochielt as Trixie Teen. Trixie likes to take her clothes off and diddle her ham wallet on webcam - I recognized her because I’ve yanked my meat sword a couple of times to her like 3 years ago, and I never forget a pair of funbags.Xochielt - posing for American Apparel.Trixie Teen - from her website.Stolen Trixie Teen banner w/ link attached. Go ahead. Click on it.People have told me that I enjoy porn a little more than the average person and now I know that it’s true if I can randomly recognize porn stars at their “normal” jobs.Oh, and if you didn’t enjoy my little post about Trixie Teen, then surely you will like this picture of a dog’s red rocket that I took on my cell phone Christmas Eve.Bandit was happy to get a box of milkbones for Christmas.

Nature survival videos will tell you to curl into a ball if you’re attacked by a tiger. What you should really do is bend over backwards and kiss your ass goodbye because you’re about to be turned into tiger turds.”Rawrrr I’m gonna fuckin’ eat youuuuu!”The San Francisco Zoo has some explaining to do after a Siberian tiger escaped and ravaged a few people. One person was killed and two people were seriously injured. Police rushed into the cafeteria were the tiger was found chewing on a person and they shot it dead - the tiger, not the chew toy.Zoo officials are still trying to figure out why the tiger escaped. Isn’t that obvious? If you find a tiger in the cafeteria, it’s probably looking for some better food - the Purina Tiger Chow wasn’t doing the trick.True Fact: Tigers kill more people every year than any other animal.Useless Fact: In 2003, Roy Horn (Siegfried and Roy) was mauled by a tiger on-stage and almost bled to death in front of a sold out show. There are still no youtube videos of it… dammit.Obvious Fact: People shouldn’t fuck around with tigers.Tiger couldn’t take him wearing those pants anymore and still pretending to be straight.

For every positive, intelligent rapper (I really hate to use Kanye as an example), there is about 14,000 Young Bucks, TIs, and R. Kelly’s making them look bad. Today, rappers usually only get into trouble for one of four crimes: Guns, drugs, murder, or peeing on teenage girls.Jasiel Robinson aka Young Joc made a disappointing decision this morning when he decided not to show up to his arraignment for trying to get a plane in Cleveland with a gun. Young Joc is famous for the songs “Buy U a Drank” and “It’s Goin’ Down” - both musical masterpieces (just kidding). He’s now an official fugitive of the law - finally, a rapper that actually does stupid shit he writes about.On my head is where my momma musta dropped her son.Cuz I tried to board a plane in Cleveland with a gun.But I don’t give a fuck, I’m gonna skip out on bail.And get warrant for my arrest so I can go to jail.

What does 80 year old pussy taste like? Give up?Depends.Tell that one to your grandma.The ladies of Greenspring hatched a plan to pose nude in a calendar in order to raise money for… hip replacements?Yeah, that’s right - a group of old women are baring it all for people to see in an effort to raise money for whatever it is that old people need money for. I finally have a reason to sneak off into the bathroom at work and masturbate. Yay!”Wanna see my funbags?”You won’t be finding any MILFs (or GMILFs… or GGMILFs) in this calendar. These women are old as fuck and look like it. It reminds me of that joke about the patch of hair growing between your grandma’s boobies - her pussy.Excuse me, I had to vomit really quick.Luckily, all the naughty bits are covered up “tastefully” so you don’t even have to worry about a horrifying nip slip or beaver shot. That could ruin a persons life. Here’s a brief history about the calendar in case you’re interested and want to buy it for your grandpa.Somebody please buy me one.

Remember this handsome devil?No, it’s not Philip Michael Thomas from Miami Vice.This is Philip Michael Thomas.Over the years, Michael Jackson’s face has deteriorated like a flesh-eating animal has very slowly been chewing on it. Every time he makes an appearance in public, we are all shocked to find another piece of his face missing. The other day, he was photographed while shopping at a bookstore in Las Vegas with his children. It still cracks me up that he is legally allowed to have kids.”Rawwwr! I am Post-It Man!”I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of surgical procedure ends with post-it notes stuck all over your face. It’s even more unbelievable that someone would go out in public looking so scary. I can imagine the conversation between MJ and his surgeon going something like this:MJ: “Doctor, my face fell off this morning again. What can we do?”Doctor: “Well, you just have to remind yourself to take it off every night before you go to bed, so it can recharge.”MJ: “I know, but it’s so hard to remember to take my face off every night. Besides, how am I supposed to have platonic cuddling at night with little boys if I don’t wear my face? It scares them.”Doctor: “Sacrifices, Michael… sacrifices. I recommend reminding yourself on post-its and sticking them to your face every day.”MJ: “Great idea. Now I just have to remember to take the post-its off before I go out in public.”FAIL.

A recent study in California found that squirrels are getting sick of being gobbled up. They have been observed smearing the scent of dead rattlesnakes on their bodies to cover their own delicious scent. I had no idea squirrels were analytical thinkers!”I wish I was a beaver.”I was skeptical about the intelligence of these animals. If a squirrel is smart enough to mask it’s scent, it should be smart enough to not dart out in front of my car while I’m driving, right? Well, I looked into this a little more and it appears that squirrels are actually a lot smarter than we thought.Squirrels have been photographed partaking in normal everyday human activities such as:Enjoying a cold beer after a hard day of… eating acorns.Participating in water sports.Writing music.If this is a sign of evolution, I reckon it’s only a matter of time before they start forming colonies, developing technology, and waging war with each other. Scary thought.

The best game ever, Mortal Kombat, was released in 1992 and caused a lot of parents to raise their eyebrows due to the graphic violence. I remember popping it in my Sega Genesis for the first time and putting in the blood code to unlock the gore - A,B,A,C,A,B,B. Fuck yeah.I always wondered when some psycho kid was going to ruin violent video games for all of us by trying to reenact some shit from a game. I figured it was only a matter of time before two kids were “play fighting” and one of them got thrown into a pit of spikes or set on fire.The other day, two high school kids thought it would be fun to get drunk and beat their 7 year old half sister unconscious by imitating moves that they claimed to have seen in Mortal Kombat. The little girl died from extensive injuries and the two kids are now facing up to 48 years in prison for child abuse causing death. I say, why not make it 100 years - 48 years for murder and 52 years for being too fucking stupid to coexist in society.See you in 48 years, assholes.People are undoubtedly going to start trying to ban mature-rated games again and that really annoys me. Think about this, Super Mario runs around eating mushrooms and jumping on heads to kill his enemies. Isn’t that also possible to reenact with a little bit of agility and the right kind of mushrooms?”YES! Eat it, bitches!”I am not looking forward to all the negative attention this will bring to violent video games. I grew up playing Mortal Kombat and I admit to having fantasies of being able to freeze people and jump kick them in half but I also used to watch a lot of Chuck Norris films and he taught me to only beat up the bad guys. Let’s all remember Chuck’s lessons.Chuck Norris’s calendar goes right from March 31 to April 2nd - nobody fools Chuck Norris.

Sometimes men like to tuck their wieners and dress up like ladies. Sometimes women like to pretend they have wieners and dress up like men. Is there anything wrong with that? Constitutionally speaking, no, but some people would disagree.A woman in Wigan, wherever the fuck that is, was recently arrested for violating a court order to leave her drag queen neighbor alone. Apparently, for years she has been verbally abusing “him” and making “his” life miserable. The day of her court hearing where she was ordered to stay away and never speak to her neighbor, she violated it by shouting insults at his house from outside. Tranny calls cops, cops pick up neighbor, neighbor goes to jail for seven days.This is the evil woman, not the transvestite. I have that same jacket!I feel sorry for the transvestite because everyone deserves to be able to live in peace. If you like piercing your nutsack and wearing nipple clamps, I’m not going to give you shit about it, in fact, you sound like someone who likes to have fun - let’s hang out.Quite frankly, I think the old woman is crazy. Who wouldn’t want to live next to a transvestite? You can go shopping with them, ask them all kinds of interesting sexual questions, and they smell a lot nicer than other men.”I’d fuck me… I’d fuck me hard.”