Charles Clark wins the Redneck Bastard award of the day for stealing underwear from his 61 year old neighbor.

On December 23rd, while home alone, Charles Clark decided to smoke a little marijuana and mosey on over to his neighbors house where he would pop the door lock with a knife, enter her house, and steal her underwear. I know what you’re thinking: “Who hasn’t burglarized an old woman’s house and stole her panties?”

“I just wanted to smell ‘em and try ‘em on for a sec.”

Since apparently nothing better was going on in Santa Fe, Channel 13 News sent a reporter to the panty-thief’s house to harass him. When asked why he did it: “I was just stoned and stupid.”

Fuck you Charles Clark, you bastard. You’re making other pot smokers look bad. Anyone who smokes it can tell you that a side effect is not getting the urge to steal under garments from old women – that’s not just stupid, it’s insane.

He would have been much better off proclaiming his innocence and blaming it on the underpants gnomes – it’s just as crazy as the truth.

“38DD – I’ll bet they hang to the floor. Yummy.”

Mischa Barton played the anorexic hottie Marissa on Fox’s “The OC.” She may be a decent actor, but she’s definitely not very good at acting sober while driving drunk.

A very flattering picture.

At 2:45AM this morning, the cops arrested Mischa for being drunk and driving… without a license. I think Mischa is bitter about her character being written off the OC, so she went binge drinking in hopes to get an E! True Hollywood Story.

Anyone else find it ironic that her character was killed in a car accident on the show? Either way, that’s what she gets for being such a slut on the OC. And for being a bitch to her TV boyfriend Ryan Atwood and hooking up with that druggie bastard who ended up killing her in the car crash. Yeah, I used to watch it *blush*

I haven’t made a completely random post for a little while, so enjoy…

Today, while sitting in my cubicle and “working” diligently, I came across something interesting on American Apparel’s website – porno. Truthfully, I was skimming through the model archives section looking for pictures of AA models wearing see-thru clothing – yeah, I’m a pervert.

But I’m a smart pervert. If I get caught looking at suggestive things on AA’s website, I can play it off like I’m shopping for late x-mas gifts for a special lady. I’d still get a stern “talk” but it wouldn’t be like I was watching 2girls1cup or anything.

I came across an American Apparel model known as Xochielt – don’t ask me how it’s pronounced. Well, I also happen to know Xochielt as Trixie Teen. Trixie likes to take her clothes off and diddle her ham wallet on webcam – I recognized her because I’ve yanked my meat sword a couple of times to her like 3 years ago, and I never forget a pair of funbags.

Xochielt – posing for American Apparel.

Trixie Teen – from her website.

Stolen Trixie Teen banner w/ link attached. Go ahead. Click on it.

People have told me that I enjoy porn a little more than the average person and now I know that it’s true if I can randomly recognize porn stars at their “normal” jobs.

Oh, and if you didn’t enjoy my little post about Trixie Teen, then surely you will like this picture of a dog’s red rocket that I took on my cell phone Christmas Eve.

Bandit was happy to get a box of milkbones for Christmas.

Nature survival videos will tell you to curl into a ball if you’re attacked by a tiger. What you should really do is bend over backwards and kiss your ass goodbye because you’re about to be turned into tiger turds.

“Rawrrr I’m gonna fuckin’ eat youuuuu!”

The San Francisco Zoo has some explaining to do after a Siberian tiger escaped and ravaged a few people. One person was killed and two people were seriously injured. Police rushed into the cafeteria were the tiger was found chewing on a person and they shot it dead – the tiger, not the chew toy.

Zoo officials are still trying to figure out why the tiger escaped. Isn’t that obvious? If you find a tiger in the cafeteria, it’s probably looking for some better food – the Purina Tiger Chow wasn’t doing the trick.

True Fact: Tigers kill more people every year than any other animal.

Useless Fact: In 2003, Roy Horn (Siegfried and Roy) was mauled by a tiger on-stage and almost bled to death in front of a sold out show. There are still no youtube videos of it… dammit.

Obvious Fact: People shouldn’t fuck around with tigers.

Tiger couldn’t take him wearing those pants anymore and still pretending to be straight.

For every positive, intelligent rapper (I really hate to use Kanye as an example), there is about 14,000 Young Bucks, TIs, and R. Kelly’s making them look bad. Today, rappers usually only get into trouble for one of four crimes: Guns, drugs, murder, or peeing on teenage girls.

Jasiel Robinson aka Young Joc made a disappointing decision this morning when he decided not to show up to his arraignment for trying to get a plane in Cleveland with a gun. Young Joc is famous for the songs “Buy U a Drank” and “It’s Goin’ Down” – both musical masterpieces.

He’s now an official fugitive of the law – finally, a rapper that actually does stupid shit he writes about.

On my head is where my momma musta dropped her son.
Cuz I tried to board a plane in Cleveland with a gun.
But I don’t give a fuck, I’m gonna skip out on bail.
And get warrant for my arrest so I can go to jail.