I just found out that Evel Knievel died on Friday at the tender old age of 69. He didn’t get fired out of a rocket on his scooter and landed on his face – he was just old and stopped breathing. This is kind of sad because everyone knows that Evel always wanted to die in a big explosion, but time just got the best of him.

“I’m going to ride this bicycle into Hell and kick Satan in the balls!”

Looking up more information on Evel, I found out something interesting. On April 1, 2007, Evel converted to Christianity. He died exactly 8 months later. The real god that watched over him through all of his stunts must have found out on Friday and was like, “Evel converted to Christianity? I feel so betrayed. *sigh* I guess I’ll just kill him now.”

What’s even weirder is that during the autopsy, they discovered that Evel’s testicles were indeed not made of brass like everyone thought. They were just old and droopy like any other old man’s balls. What a letdown.

“I will now jump three boxes of Depends adult diapers in my scooter!”

RIP Evel Knievel