The holiday season is here and many of you probably have trips planned. But what if you’re aerophobic? That is, afraid of being in an airplane. Statistically, you are much more likely to die in a car crash than a plane wreck but the idea of smashing into a mountain while trapped in a fiery metal capsule sounds worse than a head-on collision.

Normally, I’d recommend growing a penis and conquering your fear, but that would be insensitive to all the pansies out there that are afraid to fly. Plus, I don’t want any of you flipping out and trying to open the emergency escape exit 30,000 feet in the air.

I did some research about the safest methods of transport other than flying and I have some alternatives for the non-flying people.

Steal/borrow a horse: Think about it, the only person who has ever been hurt on a horse was ex-Superman Christopher Reeves and that horse didn’t like him anyway.

Sneak onto a farm and borrow the fastest looking stallion and a warm blanket – ride him to your location and be sure to stay on the side of the road so he can eat occasionally. It may also help if you name the horse something sweet like Silver or Vagcrusher – avoid feminine names for your horse or you’ll get tossed like Superman.

Horses get amazing gas mileage and can run for hours before needing a break. Plus, you will most definitely not be killed while driving one.

Teleport: This method is ideal because there’s always a chance that you’ll reappear in some unknown dimension, immediately giving you the title of “Explorer.” Just make sure that the teleport pod is free of all other living creatures or your DNA will combine and you’ll end up like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.

Falkor the Luck Dragon: Remember this guy from The Neverending Story? It’s still technically flying, but Falkor would never let anything bad happen to you. Plus, Falkor is great conversation for the long trip to Fantasia. This is my preferred method of travel when I’m dreaming.

“Atreyuuuuu!”

Those are about the only other realistic alternatives to flying that I can think of, so if these things don’t work for you, maybe you should ponder canceling your trip and sitting at home until you realize how bad you suck at life – then get on a fucking plane and go to Cancun.

Oh, and I found some great footage of a classic aerophobic freaking out on board a plane. Classic!