What’s worse than having a daughter that grows up to be a trainwreck uber-slut? Having two daughters that grow up like that.Lynne Spears deserves a trophy for her uterus which has officially produced two of the biggest mistakes in celebrity history - Britney and her younger sister Jamie Lynn.Sloppy Twat and Mini Slut.Little 16 year old Jamie Lynn Spears has been deflowered - it probably happened for the first time in 5th grade by her cousin, but now she’s pregnant. The string of insults and obscenities that I would like to call Jamie Lynn right now is so long and complex that it’s tangled in my brain.She’s almost cute… almost.This means big trouble for our future. Let’s assume that Jamie Lynn shares the same “slut genes” as her older sister. Now, let’s also assume that she has perfected her baby-making skills by living in her sister’s shadow and absorbing her slut knowledge over the years. This means that in 20 years, Jamie Lynn and Britney will have produced over 600 children and contracted over 8,000 sexually transmitted diseases. New types of diseases will start appearing and we will have to make antivenom from the blood of the Spears children.I’m begging all of you… please go to trojancondoms.com and order at least one box of the Spears Edition Trojan condoms and have them sent to the Spears residence. Instructions are numbered and color-coded so they should be able to figure out how to use them.
Miami Beach has exiled all sex offenders, but not intentionally. There is a city ordinance that prohibits any convicted sex offender from living within 2,500 feet of a school. Well, Miami Beach isn’t very big and it’s nearly impossible to find a spot that isn’t within a half mile from any school or playground.What does this mean? If you guessed “all sex offenders must live under the Julia Tuttle bridge,” then you are a fucking genius.That’s right. A small colony of perverts, rapists, and kiddy diddlers are living together under a causeway bridge in Miami Beach. They were allotted the space by the city after they basically said, “Well, you don’t have to move out of Miami Beach… you just have to live under a shitty bridge.”"Helloooo? Any little boys out thereeee?”This is a wandering child’s worst nightmare. Pretty soon we are going to start seeing movies about a sub culture of pedophiles living under bridges - it’s like a modern day faerie tale!One complaint a pervert had about the colony is that it’s boring. “I don’t belong here,” Longhands Johnny said. “Everyone that has been sentenced to live here is the same. They all wear the same black robes and hold confession for each other every night. I wish we could mix it up a little and get other sex offenders in here instead of all these Catholic priests.”"Alter boys are my kryptonite.”
The holiday season is here and many of you probably have trips planned. But what if you’re aerophobic? That is, afraid of being in an airplane. Statistically, you are much more likely to die in a car crash than a plane wreck but the idea of smashing into a mountain while trapped in a fiery metal capsule sounds worse than a head-on collision. Normally, I’d recommend growing a penis and conquering your fear, but that would be insensitive to all the pansies out there that are afraid to fly. Plus, I don’t want any of you flipping out and trying to open the emergency escape exit 30,000 feet in the air.I did some research about the safest methods of transport other than flying and I have some alternatives for the non-flying people.Steal/borrow a horse: Think about it, the only person who has ever been hurt on a horse was ex-Superman Christopher Reeves and that horse didn’t like him anyway. Sneak onto a farm and borrow the fastest looking stallion and a warm blanket - ride him to your location and be sure to stay on the side of the road so he can eat occasionally. It may also help if you name the horse something sweet like Silver or Vagcrusher - avoid feminine names for your horse or you’ll get tossed like Superman.Horses get amazing gas mileage and can run for hours before needing a break. Plus, you will most definitely not be killed while driving one.Teleport: This method is ideal because there’s always a chance that you’ll reappear in some unknown dimension, immediately giving you the title of “Explorer.” Just make sure that the teleport pod is free of all other living creatures or your DNA will combine and you’ll end up like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.Falkor the Luck Dragon: Remember this guy from The Neverending Story? It’s still technically flying, but Falkor would never let anything bad happen to you. Plus, Falkor is great conversation for the long trip to Fantasia. This is my preferred method of travel when I’m dreaming.”Atreyuuuuu!”Those are about the only other realistic alternatives to flying that I can think of, so if these things don’t work for you, maybe you should ponder canceling your trip and sitting at home until you realize how bad you suck at life - then get on a fucking plane and go to Cancun.Oh, and I found some great footage of a classic aerophobic freaking out on board a plane. Classic!
Goddamn you Pamela Anderson. You stupid, filthy bitch. I used to love you back in the early 90s. If I knew what masturbation was when I was 10, I would’ve failed all my classes thinking about you. Why did you have to marry the biggest douchebags in the world, one after another, without calling me and giving me a chance?Don’t let this picture fool you - her face is really tore up like a Michigan road.Self-proclaimed marriage-aholic Pamela Anderson is getting divorced again . Somebody cut that bitches wedding ring finger off. This one only lasted 2 months and I posted about it (check the Archives) and said it wouldn’t last. The first sidecarsally.com prophecy has come true!
If you’re going to run for President, you better make sure that you don’t have any embarrassing family history. Governor Mike Huckabee from Arkansas has something even worse - a Dahmer-like son, David Huckabee.”Our son David just loves torturing animals.”I have to draw attention to this family because I personally don’t want a president that has the genes capable of creating the Republican children of Satan. When I was digging up some information on this presidential candidate, I found some sick shit about his son David that Mike Huckabee would definitely like to keep hidden. Oops.Psycho Alert!In 1998 when David Huckabee was 18 years old, he was one of two boys that were fired and banned from the Boy Scouts - for torturing and killing a stray dog. They captured the dog, hung it by it’s neck, slit its throat, and then stoned it to death. The charges against him were dropped by his father, the governor.Most psychiatrists would tell you that torturing and killing animals when you’re a teenager is not as healthy of an activity as soccer and it usually leads to other problems - like becoming a serial killer. This reminds me of a movie that came out a couple of years ago and how they should make a sequel of it…Keep Mike Huckabee out of office, for your dog’s safety.
Hryhoriy Nestor from the Ukraine was 116 years old when he died in his sleep on Friday. Before his death, he would tell people that the reason he lived so long is that he never got married. Ah, even old people have a sense of humor.Really, I think he was trying to live long enough to hear someone pronounce his first name correctly.Friends and family of the old geezer said that he never got married because he was too short and had no money - it wasn’t his choice. Wow… I’m sure he would have been really happy to hear such nice things from his family.I think the old man was right though - 116 years as a bachelor. No woman sitting there and nagging at you over empty cans and toothpaste stuck to the inside of sink. No woman bitching about pubes around the toilet bowl rim or crusty socks wadded up in the corner. If all men did was party and live carefree lives without wives, we would probably never die.I think this guy was in the Karate Kid.
The city of Seattle just opened a new trolley line in their South Lake Union district. The trolley is called, aptly enough, the South Lake Union Trolley - or S.L.U.T.”Keep all hands and feet inside the S.L.U.T.”I’m glad that America has a sense of humor because I’m sure there are organizations that could never use acronyms for their name. Organizations like:And…So yeah, next time you’re in Seattle, hop on a S.L.U.T and ride it all night.”I rode the slut! No, like a real slut. I just like this shirt.”
Children in Ottawa, Canada must have been really bad this year. Some kids who wrote letters to Santa received some pretty uncharacteristic replies from the fat red bastard including some harsh insults and foul language. I can imagine one of the letters going like this:Dear Lucy,I got your letter and it seems you want a pony. Guess what? I just happen to have a beautiful white pony for one lucky girl… and it isn’t you. That’s right you little shit. You’ll be lucky to get a turd in a sock this year. How the fuck am I supposed to fit a horse in my bag and get it down the chimney? I recommend you save your money and buy a gerbil.Love, SantaThe Canada Post is investigating these letters and trying to find out who replied to them. You see, if a kid writes a letter to Santa, it goes to a special place where a normal adult writes back and pretends to be Santa. I’m assuming in this case, the letters went to a crack house.I hope the person responsible doesn’t get into trouble because kids need to be humbled every now and then; they are selfish little bastards sometimes. Besides, have you seen the Santa’s at the mall? They can be much more frightening to kids than a disappointing letter written by an angry alcoholic.
I’m going to start my own revolution; a pro-choice movement. Every morning, I drive by a woman’s clinic and there’s a crazy lady out there with all kinds of posters of aborted babies. She wears a human sign too with letters and pictures stuck all over it. Every single day.I have to admit that every morning, I creep by slow and roll my window down and yell out, “Get a fucking life lady!” She doesn’t even acknowledge me and it makes me so maaaad.I designed a new t-shirt and I’m going to stand outside on my next day off, right next to that crazy lady, and proudly defend my views in as tasteless and distracting way as she does.Who’s with me?If you join my cause, I’ll also throw in a free t-shirt - another one of my designs.Inspired from the movie Superbad =)
International music icon Ike Turner died in his bed yesterday. Nobody knows what the cause of death is yet, but he reportedly had emphysema. For all you youngsters out there, Ike was married to Tina Turner back in the day and he used to knock her around like it was nobody’s business.I’ll never understand why people can mourn the death of a man who abused his wife, especially a wife as awesome as Tina Turner. One Ike fan was quoted saying, “Ike showed me that you can beat your wife and still achieve fame and fortune. I’ll never forget him.”Another fan defended Ike’s honor: “I would beat my wife too if her name was Tina.” Either way, he’s dead now. I just hope he isn’t waiting in heaven for Tina to show up because studies show that just as many husbands beat their wives in the afterlife.
