What does 80 year old pussy taste like? Give up?

Depends.

Tell that one to your grandma.

The ladies of Greenspring hatched a plan to pose nude in a calendar in order to raise money for… hip replacements?

Yeah, that’s right – a group of old women are baring it all for people to see in an effort to raise money for whatever it is that old people need money for. I finally have a reason to sneak off into the bathroom at work and masturbate. Yay!

“Wanna see my funbags?”

You won’t be finding any MILFs (or GMILFs… or GGMILFs) in this calendar. These women are old as fuck and look like it. It reminds me of that joke about the patch of hair growing between your grandma’s boobies – her pussy.

Excuse me, I had to vomit really quick.

Luckily, all the naughty bits are covered up “tastefully” so you don’t even have to worry about a horrifying nip slip or beaver shot. That could ruin a persons life. Here’s a brief history about the calendar in case you’re interested and want to buy it for your grandpa.

Somebody please buy me one.

Remember this handsome devil?

No, it’s not Philip Michael Thomas from Miami Vice.

This is Philip Michael Thomas.

Over the years, Michael Jackson’s face has deteriorated like a flesh-eating animal has very slowly been chewing on it. Every time he makes an appearance in public, we are all shocked to find another piece of his face missing. The other day, he was photographed while shopping at a bookstore in Las Vegas with his children. It still cracks me up that he is legally allowed to have kids.

“Rawwwr! I am Post-It Man!”

I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of surgical procedure ends with post-it notes stuck all over your face. It’s even more unbelievable that someone would go out in public looking so scary. I can imagine the conversation between MJ and his surgeon going something like this:

MJ: “Doctor, my face fell off this morning again. What can we do?”

Doctor: “Well, you just have to remind yourself to take it off every night before you go to bed, so it can recharge.”

MJ: “I know, but it’s so hard to remember to take my face off every night. Besides, how am I supposed to have platonic cuddling at night with little boys if I don’t wear my face? It scares them.”

Doctor: “Sacrifices, Michael… sacrifices. I recommend reminding yourself on post-its and sticking them to your face every day.”

MJ: “Great idea. Now I just have to remember to take the post-its off before I go out in public.”

FAIL.

A recent study in California found that squirrels are getting sick of being gobbled up. They have been observed smearing the scent of dead rattlesnakes on their bodies to cover their own delicious scent. I had no idea squirrels were analytical thinkers!

“I wish I was a beaver.”

I was skeptical about the intelligence of these animals. If a squirrel is smart enough to mask it’s scent, it should be smart enough to not dart out in front of my car while I’m driving, right? Well, I looked into this a little more and it appears that squirrels are actually a lot smarter than we thought.

Squirrels have been photographed partaking in normal everyday human activities such as:

Enjoying a cold beer after a hard day of… eating acorns.

Participating in water sports.

Writing music.

If this is a sign of evolution, I reckon it’s only a matter of time before they start forming colonies, developing technology, and waging war with each other. Scary thought.

The best game ever, Mortal Kombat, was released in 1992 and caused a lot of parents to raise their eyebrows due to the graphic violence. I remember popping it in my Sega Genesis for the first time and putting in the blood code to unlock the gore – A,B,A,C,A,B,B. Fuck yeah.

I always wondered when some psycho kid was going to ruin violent video games for all of us by trying to reenact some shit from a game. I figured it was only a matter of time before two kids were “play fighting” and one of them got thrown into a pit of spikes or set on fire.

The other day, two high school kids thought it would be fun to get drunk and beat their 7 year old half sister unconscious by imitating moves that they claimed to have seen in Mortal Kombat. The little girl died from extensive injuries and the two kids are now facing up to 48 years in prison for child abuse causing death. I say, why not make it 100 years – 48 years for murder and 52 years for being too fucking stupid to coexist in society.

See you in 48 years, assholes.

People are undoubtedly going to start trying to ban mature-rated games again and that really annoys me. Think about this, Super Mario runs around eating mushrooms and jumping on heads to kill his enemies. Isn’t that also possible to reenact with a little bit of agility and the right kind of mushrooms?

“YES! Eat it, bitches!”

I am not looking forward to all the negative attention this will bring to violent video games. I grew up playing Mortal Kombat and I admit to having fantasies of being able to freeze people and jump kick them in half but I also used to watch a lot of Chuck Norris films and he taught me to only beat up the bad guys.

Let’s all remember Chuck’s lessons.

Chuck Norris’s calendar goes right from March 31 to April 2nd – nobody fools Chuck Norris.

Sometimes men like to tuck their wieners and dress up like ladies. Sometimes women like to pretend they have wieners and dress up like men. Is there anything wrong with that? Constitutionally speaking, no, but some people would disagree.

A woman in Wigan, wherever the fuck that is, was recently arrested for violating a court order to leave her drag queen neighbor alone. Apparently, for years she has been verbally abusing “him” and making “his” life miserable. The day of her court hearing where she was ordered to stay away and never speak to her neighbor, she violated it by shouting insults at his house from outside. Tranny calls cops, cops pick up neighbor, neighbor goes to jail for seven days.

This is the evil woman, not the transvestite. I have that same jacket!

I feel sorry for the transvestite because everyone deserves to be able to live in peace. If you like piercing your nutsack and wearing nipple clamps, I’m not going to give you shit about it, in fact, you sound like someone who likes to have fun – let’s hang out.

Quite frankly, I think the old woman is crazy. Who wouldn’t want to live next to a transvestite? You can go shopping with them, ask them all kinds of interesting sexual questions, and they smell a lot nicer than other men.

“I’d fuck me… I’d fuck me hard.”