Today, Britney “Beef Curtains” Spears almost made a great dream come true for millions of irritated fans - word is spreading that she may have possibly attempted suicide. Try it baby, one more time.I might as well just change this website’s name to sidecarbritney.com. Sure, I could choose not to report her constant fuck-ups, but I really want to be on the scene when this bitch finally does us all a favor and dies. The memorial post I make is going to be fucking epic.No word yet on whether or not the suicide attempt is 100% accurate, but I can only assume that she tried to suffocate herself by crawling into her gigantic vagina without proper scuba gear.Britney regularly shits herself because she’s too stupid to figure out a toilet.Although the official reports state that Britney was taken to the hospital for an involuntary mental evaluation, we all know what’s really going on. Of all the things that anger me about her the most, is the enormous ruckus that she causes every time she flips out. This time, her police escort was longer than a football field and included squad cars, motorcycles, ambulances, helicopters , and a probably a little clown on a unicycle trailing behind the convoy.How much money is this costing the state of California? I think we should just toss her naked ass out to the paparazzi and watch them tear her apart.Although all this negative publicity has really tarnished her image, there’s a rumor that Arby’s is thinking about sponsoring her vagina to promote their new cheddar hamwallet melt.I’m thinkin’ Arby’s.

I’ve been on an airplane more times than Robert Downey Jr. has been to rehab. It seems that at least half of my flights have been miserable due to some annoying fuck sitting next to me. Sometimes, it’s a 3 year old kid who, for some reason, isn’t sitting next to his mom. Other times, it’s a plane full of foreigners singing religious hymns in another language.Would you people please shut the fuck UP!?If you’re like me - an asshole - then you’re not going to put up with letting another person make your flight miserable. What’s a good way to get revenge on a fellow passenger without engaging them in a physical altercation? Well, you could eat a ton of vegetables before the flight and just shit your pants the whole way. However, if your farts smell enough, other people will suffer too and that ain’t right… trapped in a capsule 35,000 feet in the air smelling someone else’s ass.How about a nice scare instead? Follow these steps and you’ll surely freak out the person next to you:1. Open your laptop and make sure that the person next to you can see the screen.2. Hold your hands in the praying position and stare at the ceiling, uttering prayers that resemble the Arabic language. If you can’t imitate Arabic, a lot of hocking and spitting works - also, use the word “Allah” often.3. Click on THIS link.You will have successfully really freaked out the person next to you. Try it on your next flight!

In 1998, Mitchell Johnson and one of his friends decided that they were fed up with boring, cousin-fucking life in Arkansas. Johnson, who was 13 at the time, waited outside of his school while his buddy pulled the fire alarm inside. When the students and teachers exited the school, Johnson and his friend open fired on a crowd of people - four students and a teacher were killed.Mitchell got out of prison a year or two ago after he turned 21. He served a long time and everyone hoped that he would end up being a normal guy who just had some problems when he was younger. Besides, this kid didn’t look like a murderous psycho. If he was pointing a gun at me, I’d probably laugh and give him a wedgie.Little psycho. Age 13ish. He almost appears normal.In a fine display of the bright “thinkers” that Arkansas has been responsible for, Mitchell Johnson was arrested at the beginning of this month after police were tipped that Johnson was driving a van with marijuana in it. I can’t bust his balls for having some pot, but what about the handgun and shotgun he was also driving around with? As far as I’m concerned, this dickwipe shouldn’t even own a fucking squirt gun .He is now facing 10 years in prison and a $250,000 fine. Let’s keep this guy locked up for good this time. He’s obviously too ignorant to function as a responsible adult.Nighty-night! Keep your butthole tight!Just a side note: I went to Arkansas.com in hopes of finding out some interesting facts about the state. There is seriously nothing interesting about Arkansas.

I remember going to the snack machine in high school and wishing that I could press B-4 and get a nice fat sack of reefer. Sadly, I had to bring my own instead and hope that my English teacher, who looked like a German Shepard, couldn’t smell like a dog as well.California is paving the way for medical marijuana users with new weed-selling vending machines. Not just anyone can buy pot from these machines; people will have to have a prescription and they will also be fingerprinted and photographed. If you pass the screening, you can buy 3.5 or 7 gram baggies of homegrown medicinal chronic - and you even get to pick from 5 different strains ranging in taste and potency.Future machines are expected to sell prescription pills like Viagra, Vicodin, and an assortment of antidepressants.I’ve never wanted to have a terminal illness so bad in my life!”So umm… how bout some of that weed now?”Hopefully this is a big step towards legalizing marijuana for recreational use. Either way, this is a huge kick in the nuts to all those anti-medical pot asshole lawmakers. Next, we should all light bags of baby shit on fire and put it on their porches. Anyone want to join me on my crusade?

I can’t even count how many times I’ve had to run into a gas station or restaurant, pinching the head of my pecker so I didn’t piss my pants. I have urinated in public more times than the average dog, but I always feel like I’m committing some kind of horrible atrocity. In many places, relieving yourself in public carries penalties as ridiculous as twenty-five years on the sex offenders list. Umm, what?As silly as it sounds, one state’s lawmakers have finally come to their senses and realized that people who defecate in view of others are not always perverts and sickos. When you gotta go, you gotta go.”Ahhhhhh… feels… so… fucking… GOOD.”I’m glad people are finally addressing this issue. If a new bill in New Hampshire passes, a fine will be assessed to a person caught using the bushes instead of the toilet. Personally though, I think a larger fine should be handed out to people that poop in public. I feel that it’s much more appropriate to shit your pants rather than drop a deuce on the sidewalk.Come on, give the little guy some privacy.Yet, another argument one could make is that the people who watch other people urinating in public should receive fines. It’s really hard to go to the bathroom when someone is looking. Sometimes I get stage fright.

Until now, there has been a lack of ridiculous and annoying lawsuits initiated by gay people. I always figured that gay people were too busy having sex with each other to be out doing stupid shit like us regular folk. That is, until I read about NYU student Avram Wisnia.Check out this scenario:Avram Wisnia, a former towel boy at the MANHOLE (yes, he is gay), tried to sue New York University over an incident where he injured himself during a steamy Jell-O wrestling match with JC from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” This picture was taken, which shows both men clearly fighting for the bottom.”I told you we shoulda used KY Jelly… it doesn’t stain green.”Unfortunately, bystanders failed to capture JC bodyslamming Avram in a fit of homoerotic rage. This may sound like a slice of heaven, but Mr. Wisnia shattered his hip. Since nobody can get hurt anymore without running to a lawyer first thing, Avram tried to sue NYU for the colossal amount of one MILLION dollars.Wisnia’s 2005 lawsuit blamed NYU for allowing the event to take place and for having the school’s food service provide the gelatin. Ironically, he had no problem participating in the event… you could tell from his boner. Luckily, the Judge was smart enough to throw out he whole lawsuit. While I originally thought the decision was fair, I found this picture which suggests Jell-O may have some influence in the ruling.If you look carefully at his mouth, you can see that the judge obviously just finished a bowl of red strawberry Jell-O. Hmmmm….

William Torres’s story isn’t all that interesting. The 21 year old from Pennsylvania was arrested Friday on two counts of homicide. It’s too bad he didn’t just turn himself in so he could’ve wore a better outfit to court.”Don’t let the outfit fool you - he’s an animal!”Does anyone else think this guy looks like Porky Pig in a hoodie? Look at those kankles too.”Blee blee blee, that’s all folks!”

Annie Lobert and Heather Veitch gave up spreading their legs and accepting penis into their mouths. Now, they spread the word of God and accept Jesus into their mouths… I mean lives.Annie is an ex-prostitute and Heather is an ex-stripper. Together, they formed the groups JC’s Girls and Hookers for Jesus. The group is aimed at helping women who are forced to have sex and/or strip for money. This is not a joke.”Like, oh my God, we should totally preach the word of that Jebus guy!”The born-again Christians visit strip clubs and pay for private dances, where they talk to the dancers about God… exactly the opposite of what you’re supposed to do in a private dance. Annie Lobert says, “We don’t preach to them and we’re not judgmental. We tell them that God loves them, even if they are hookers or strippers or porn stars. We offer help and advice.”Umm… isn’t that called preaching?If God can’t help me make a student loan payment, do you think he’s going to help a prostitute with AIDS have a better life? God hates you and it’s as obvious as the knee pads you’re wearing under those spandex pants.”Wait! You don’t have to suck that dick. I heard your prayers!”I can’t help but feel that the wackiness of this idea is just an attempt to gain fame and truly makes a mockery of the Christian faith. I’m not one to complain though because I think Christianity is a mockery of human intelligence.Whatever their intent, I’m sure that Annie and Heather will help many strippers and hookers find new jobs. A “saved” prostitute can currently choose to restart her life as a Hooters waitress or cosmetologist. Flight attendant, massage therapist, and pre-school teacher positions will be available soon.

Remember being a kid and going down to the corner store for some cigarettes? I’m talking about candy cigarettes. I used to feel so cool riding my bike home, pretending I was puffin’ on a lung dart.It’s never too soon to start practicing!Hershey Co. recently discontinued making Ice Breakers Pacs because someone noticed that they look like little heat-sealed baggies of cocaine and heroin. Correct me if I’m wrong but, isn’t that kind of awesome?”I neeeeed some Ice Breakers man. I’m addicted to minty goodness.”One person making a big deal about this is Linda Wagner, a Philly narcotics officer who’s daughter died of a heroin overdose. Ugh. Naturally, she’s gotta find something to bitch about to avoid the guilt of being a terrible mother.Fuck you Linda Wagner. Sometimes I wish it was legal to pick one person per month and just smash their face in with a baseball bat for being annoying. A lot of food, candy, and toys resemble suggestive things.When the first Harry Potter came out, a replica of his wand was released… with a vibrating function. You can guess why people complained. But isn’t masturbation better than teen pregnancy?When the Teletubbies were popular, Tinky Winky (the purple one) was scrutinized by the public for pronouncing gibberish that sounded like “Faggot, faggot, bite my nuts.” Turns out, he was really just speaking gibberish.Stop fucking complaining! The point is, it’s all the people who bitch and complain that make these coincidences a big deal. Sure, maybe some people would have noticed that the Ice Breakers packages looked like drugs and made jokes about it, but can you imagine any scenario where the Ice Breaker Pacs could have led to someone else’s death or misfortune? You can’t even choke on them since they dissolve in your mouth.Linda Wagner, you are a hypocritical bitch. If your daughter had been fucked to death by a rapist, would you start a campaign to ban all dick-shaped food, toys, and golf trophies?Strangely, I forgot what I was talking about. Mmmm.

Pasty white Melissa Arrington of Arizona was sentenced to 10 years in prison yesterday for killing a gay, French cyclist hippie while she was driving drunk to her local drug store to pick up some chapstick. I’m just impressed that a French person could have so many hobbies!”But my lips hurt real bad!”People, don’t drink and drive… pull over and finish your beer first! Melissa could have originally received around four years for negligent homicide and two counts of aggravated drunk-driving. A much stiffer sentence was handed out after a recorded phone call from jail to a friend revealed Melissa laughing about her crime.”LOL OMG i ran over a gay d00d LOL!”Truthfully, the harsher punishment is kind of bogus. While in jail awaiting sentencing, Arrington received a phone call in which an acquaintance made an inappropriate joke that went something like this:”Melissa, you deserve a medal and a parade for killing a fucking tree hugger, a bicyclist, and a French man all in one shot!” Normally, that would have been a funny joke, but the timing couldn’t have been worse. In the recording, you can hear Melissa respond to the joke with a chuckle, but it was obviously one of those “it’s not really funny, but I’ll laugh so you don