This news story should be exciting to all you tubby fat-butts out there.

“Please hold strong, tiny chair legs.”

Tired of sitting around all day in a steamy mist of your own body odor and stale farts? Do you feel the desire to exercise and eat healthy but can’t find any heavier weights than the remote and a Pepsi can? Look no further than your own pocket for a pack of sugar-free gum.

According to a recent study, fast weight-loss can be achieved by chewing lots of sugar-free gum. Sorbitol is a common sweetener used in sugar-free products and is hated by your small intestine. Sorbitol has been shown to be poorly absorbed by the small intestine and draws water into the large intestine which can only mean one thing – mudbutt. That’s right, the Hershey squirts, Texas two-step, the shits, ass pudding, or liquid brown magic. Diarrhea.

Why is this causing such a ruckus in the fattest nation in the world? People in America should be eating sorbitol by the bucket. Doctors are warning people about the dangers of “extreme weight-loss” associated with consuming massive amounts of sorbitol. Although this is typically only a risk for people that chew dozens of pieces of sugar-free gum per day, it has recently become a hot topic in the national media. You know what else causes diarrhea that never made it into the news? Panda Express – the Chinese Food place. I’ve eaten there 4 times and have successfully almost shit my pants 4 times afterwards.

“American going to enjoy making brown stain in pants on way home!”