British Pop/Alternative/Whatever star Lily Allen, 22, has just lost her baby. Well, she knows where the baby is, but you don’t want to see what it looks like. That would just be gross.

Ahhhhh! Dead baby!

I think Lily Allen is a little cutie, so I was wondering what lucky bastard got to send his love rocket into her baby cave. It was none other than Chemical Brother Ed Simons – he’s over 15 years older than Lily.

Seriously, Lily? For real?

When celebrities have miscarriages, it’s no real surprise to me. Stress, drugs, alcohol, and star fucking are all very traumatic to a fetus. Although Lily and Ed (who have only been dating four months) refuse to answer any questions regarding her motherly misfortune, I have narrowed the tragedy down to two causes:

1. Karma: Lily Allen denied that she was pregnant almost all the way up to her miscarriage. She even went as far as posting a blog about all the rumors about her – one of those “rumors” was about her being pregnant. There’s no scientific proof that fetuses do not have internet access, so it’s quite possible that the baby read her blog, felt ashamed and unwanted, and decided to strangle itself with it’s own cord.

“Youuuu BITCH!”

2. Old semen: Ed Simons is going to be 38 this year. There’s no doubt that the majority of his sperm are retarded. They say 40 is the new 20 and that may be true for some people, but look at him. The Chemical Brothers have been making electronic music since I was youngster and chances are, Ed has done more ecstasy and coke than an abandoned warehouse filled with gay men. You gay guys know what I’m talkin’ about.

Either way, I feel bad for the couple. Or at least I have to say that so I don’t sound like a complete asshole. They were only together four months and he was way too old for her anyway. Lily, if you wanna try again, I’m just across the Atlantic ocean.