Remember being a kid and going down to the corner store for some cigarettes? I’m talking about candy cigarettes. I used to feel so cool riding my bike home, pretending I was puffin’ on a lung dart.

It’s never too soon to start practicing!

Hershey Co. recently discontinued making Ice Breakers Pacs because someone noticed that they look like little heat-sealed baggies of cocaine and heroin. Correct me if I’m wrong but, isn’t that kind of awesome?

“I neeeeed some Ice Breakers man. I’m addicted to minty goodness.”

One person making a big deal about this is Linda Wagner, a Philly narcotics officer who’s daughter died of a heroin overdose. Ugh. Naturally, she’s gotta find something to bitch about to avoid the guilt of being a terrible mother.

Fuck you Linda Wagner. Sometimes I wish it was legal to pick one person per month and just smash their face in with a baseball bat for being annoying. A lot of food, candy, and toys resemble suggestive things.

When the first Harry Potter came out, a replica of his wand was released… with a vibrating function. You can guess why people complained. But isn’t masturbation better than teen pregnancy?

When the Teletubbies were popular, Tinky Winky (the purple one) was scrutinized by the public for pronouncing gibberish that sounded like “Faggot, faggot, bite my nuts.” Turns out, he was really just speaking gibberish.

Stop fucking complaining! The point is, it’s all the people who bitch and complain that make these coincidences a big deal. Sure, maybe some people would have noticed that the Ice Breakers packages looked like drugs and made jokes about it, but can you imagine any scenario where the Ice Breaker Pacs could have led to someone else’s death or misfortune? You can’t even choke on them since they dissolve in your mouth.

Linda Wagner, you are a hypocritical bitch. If your daughter had been fucked to death by a rapist, would you start a campaign to ban all dick-shaped food, toys, and golf trophies?

Strangely, I forgot what I was talking about. Mmmm.