Today, Britney “Beef Curtains” Spears almost made a great dream come true for millions of irritated fans – word is spreading that she may have possibly attempted suicide. Try it baby, one more time.

I might as well just change this website’s name to sidecarbritney.com. Sure, I could choose not to report her constant fuck-ups, but I really want to be on the scene when this bitch finally does us all a favor and dies. The memorial post I make is going to be fucking epic.

No word yet on whether or not the suicide attempt is 100% accurate, but I can only assume that she tried to suffocate herself by crawling into her gigantic vagina without proper scuba gear.

Britney regularly shits herself because she’s too stupid to figure out a toilet.

Although the official reports state that Britney was taken to the hospital for an involuntary mental evaluation, we all know what’s really going on. Of all the things that anger me about her the most, is the enormous ruckus that she causes every time she flips out. This time, her police escort was longer than a football field and included squad cars, motorcycles, ambulances, helicopters , and a probably a little clown on a unicycle trailing behind the convoy.

How much money is this costing the state of California? I think we should just toss her naked ass out to the paparazzi and watch them tear her apart.

Although all this negative publicity has really tarnished her image, there’s a rumor that Arby’s is thinking about sponsoring her vagina to promote their new cheddar hamwallet melt.

I’m thinkin’ Arby’s.