Until now, there has been a lack of ridiculous and annoying lawsuits initiated by gay people. I always figured that gay people were too busy having sex with each other to be out doing stupid shit like us regular folk. That is, until I read about NYU student Avram Wisnia.

Check out this scenario:

Avram Wisnia, a former towel boy at the MANHOLE (yes, he is gay), tried to sue New York University over an incident where he injured himself during a steamy Jell-O wrestling match with JC from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” This picture was taken, which shows both men clearly fighting for the bottom.

“I told you we shoulda used KY Jelly… it doesn’t stain green.”

Unfortunately, bystanders failed to capture JC bodyslamming Avram in a fit of homoerotic rage. This may sound like a slice of heaven, but Mr. Wisnia shattered his hip. Since nobody can get hurt anymore without running to a lawyer first thing, Avram tried to sue NYU for the colossal amount of one MILLION dollars.

Wisnia’s 2005 lawsuit blamed NYU for allowing the event to take place and for having the school’s food service provide the gelatin. Ironically, he had no problem participating in the event… you could tell from his boner. Luckily, the Judge was smart enough to throw out he whole lawsuit. While I originally thought the decision was fair, I found this picture which suggests Jell-O may have some influence in the ruling.

If you look carefully at his mouth, you can see that the judge obviously just finished a bowl of red strawberry Jell-O. Hmmmm….

William Torres’s story isn’t all that interesting. The 21 year old from Pennsylvania was arrested Friday on two counts of homicide. It’s too bad he didn’t just turn himself in so he could’ve wore a better outfit to court.

“Don’t let the outfit fool you – he’s an animal!”

Does anyone else think this guy looks like Porky Pig in a hoodie? Look at those kankles too.

“Blee blee blee, that’s all folks!”

Annie Lobert and Heather Veitch gave up spreading their legs and accepting penis into their mouths. Now, they spread the word of God and accept Jesus into their mouths… I mean lives.

Annie is an ex-prostitute and Heather is an ex-stripper. Together, they formed the groups JC’s Girls and Hookers for Jesus. The group is aimed at helping women who are forced to have sex and/or strip for money. This is not a joke.

“Like, oh my God, we should totally preach the word of that Jebus guy!”

The born-again Christians visit strip clubs and pay for private dances, where they talk to the dancers about God… exactly the opposite of what you’re supposed to do in a private dance. Annie Lobert says, “We don’t preach to them and we’re not judgmental. We tell them that God loves them, even if they are hookers or strippers or porn stars. We offer help and advice.”

Umm… isn’t that called preaching?

If God can’t help me make a student loan payment, do you think he’s going to help a prostitute with AIDS have a better life? God hates you and it’s as obvious as the knee pads you’re wearing under those spandex pants.

“Wait! You don’t have to suck that dick. I heard your prayers!”

I can’t help but feel that the wackiness of this idea is just an attempt to gain fame and truly makes a mockery of the Christian faith. I’m not one to complain though because I think Christianity is a mockery of human intelligence.

Whatever their intent, I’m sure that Annie and Heather will help many strippers and hookers find new jobs. A “saved” prostitute can currently choose to restart her life as a Hooters waitress or cosmetologist. Flight attendant, massage therapist, and pre-school teacher positions will be available soon.

Remember being a kid and going down to the corner store for some cigarettes? I’m talking about candy cigarettes. I used to feel so cool riding my bike home, pretending I was puffin’ on a lung dart.

It’s never too soon to start practicing!

Hershey Co. recently discontinued making Ice Breakers Pacs because someone noticed that they look like little heat-sealed baggies of cocaine and heroin. Correct me if I’m wrong but, isn’t that kind of awesome?

“I neeeeed some Ice Breakers man. I’m addicted to minty goodness.”

One person making a big deal about this is Linda Wagner, a Philly narcotics officer who’s daughter died of a heroin overdose. Ugh. Naturally, she’s gotta find something to bitch about to avoid the guilt of being a terrible mother.

Fuck you Linda Wagner. Sometimes I wish it was legal to pick one person per month and just smash their face in with a baseball bat for being annoying. A lot of food, candy, and toys resemble suggestive things.

When the first Harry Potter came out, a replica of his wand was released… with a vibrating function. You can guess why people complained. But isn’t masturbation better than teen pregnancy?

When the Teletubbies were popular, Tinky Winky (the purple one) was scrutinized by the public for pronouncing gibberish that sounded like “Faggot, faggot, bite my nuts.” Turns out, he was really just speaking gibberish.

Stop fucking complaining! The point is, it’s all the people who bitch and complain that make these coincidences a big deal. Sure, maybe some people would have noticed that the Ice Breakers packages looked like drugs and made jokes about it, but can you imagine any scenario where the Ice Breaker Pacs could have led to someone else’s death or misfortune? You can’t even choke on them since they dissolve in your mouth.

Linda Wagner, you are a hypocritical bitch. If your daughter had been fucked to death by a rapist, would you start a campaign to ban all dick-shaped food, toys, and golf trophies?

Strangely, I forgot what I was talking about. Mmmm.

Killing gay French people isn’t funny… to some people

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Pasty white Melissa Arrington of Arizona was sentenced to 10 years in prison yesterday for killing a gay, French cyclist hippie while she was driving drunk to her local drug store to pick up some chapstick. I’m just impressed that a French person could have so many hobbies!

“But my lips hurt real bad!”

People, don’t drink and drive… pull over and finish your beer first! Melissa could have originally received around four years for negligent homicide and two counts of aggravated drunk-driving. A much stiffer sentence was handed out after a recorded phone call from jail to a friend revealed Melissa laughing about her crime.

“LOL OMG i ran over a gay d00d LOL!”

Truthfully, the harsher punishment is kind of bogus. While in jail awaiting sentencing, Arrington received a phone call in which an acquaintance made an inappropriate joke that went something like this:

“Melissa, you deserve a medal and a parade for killing a fucking tree hugger, a bicyclist, and a French man all in one shot!”

Normally, that would have been a funny joke, but the timing couldn’t have been worse. In the recording, you can hear Melissa respond to the joke with a chuckle, but it was obviously one of those “it’s not really funny, but I’ll laugh so you don’t feel bad” chuckles.

The judge didn’t appreciate Melissa’s sense of humor. He gave her double prison time, just one year shy of the maximum sentence. Meanwhile, I’m sure the judge is using that same joke at every party he goes to.