Maybe Oklahoma jails aren’t so bad after all: Three meals a day, your own bedroom, free medical care, and blowjobs. Wait… blowjobs?Bobby Mann, 37, is one lucky inmate. On New Years Eve, Bobby got some penis-to-mouth lovin’ from 20 year old female guard Billie Pelley. Although Bobby never got to finish, the District Court blew a fat legal load all over her face by pressing criminal sexual charges on her.Bobbie Pelley: She doesn’t even look like a slut! (Lie)Apparently, since Bobby Mann isn’t a free man, it was a felony Ms. Pelley to give him a blowjob since she was in a position of power. She’s now facing serious charges, even though Bobby admitted to consent. I was thinking what a pimp Bobby must be to earn the trust of a female guard and even get her to risk her job (and freedom) by talking her into oral sex. I mean, surely he’d be a good looking, smooth talking dude, right?I’m not sure who lowered their standards further.I have to sympathize with my man Bobby on this one. The guy is in jail. I’d accept a blowjob from a hole in the wall if I was locked up long enough. Not to mention, Pelley has “Queen of Fellatio” written all over her face. Look at her lips… they’re just quivering at the thought of touching a penis.Criminal sexual charges for this poor hussy though? I think that’s a little harsh. I propose that she be forced to perform 100 hours of community service, in which she would travel around to different prisons and give blowjobs to participating prisoners. Pump her stomach and then send her off to the next one!”Is it our turn yet?!”

Are you surprised that this man beat off on one of this students?According to Scottsdale police, Tom Porras invited one of his hot female students to his home for an “athletic massage,” which ended with her laying on an exercise ball covered in love lotion.The police seized the jizz-covered exercise ball and clothing, then released this composite sketch dramatizing the incident.”It’s meee, Tom Porras… I mean Mario!”Even though Tom willingly confessed to the police about this inappropriate act, the judge acquitted him of the charges. The official report says that the confession was thrown out because of a violation of Mr. Porras

What makes a person want to commit suicide? The only way I’d ever want to blow my brains out is if I was trapped on a desert island with the movie Grease playing repeatedly on a giant TV. I hate that movie.In Britain, it seems that the newest “cool” thing for teenagers to do is kill themselves. Not because they are depressed about life, but because they want attention. Umm… what?There’s a social networking site called Bebo that is popular over in the UK. Apparently, teens are committing suicide because classmates have been creating memorials on Bebo to honor the little emo fuckers after they die. They like the attention.If your life is shitty enough that you’d actually consider killing yourself for a little attention, then chances are, you don’t have many friends. Even if you want to guilt trip all the people who ever picked on you, how would you ever find out whether or not anyone even gave a shit that you died? Not everyone that dies gets a memorial.This is how everyone will be affected by your death:Bob: “Hey, did you hear about that girl at school that killed herself?”Alex: “Yeah, Becki ‘The Cutter’ Jones, right? She was a fucking weirdo.”Bob: “OMG I know! She had nice boobs though… for a goth girl LOL.”Alex: “Come on man… have some respect for the dead.”Bob: “Why? She killed herself. How can you respect a person that doesn’t even respect themselves?”Alex: “Hmm. Touche! Let’s go get some pizza!”Crystal: “I had Phys Ed with her and her vagina smelled up the entire locker room.”Bob: “Werd. Pizza time!”See? Killing yourself is not the answer. There are other ways to cope with your depression…

Australian actor Heath Ledger died in his New York apartment yesterday afternoon - he was only 28 years old.This is an excerpt of the statement Heath’s family made regarding his death:”We confirm the very tragic, untimely and accidental passing of our dearly loved son, brother and doting father of Matilda, who was found in a peaceful sleep in his New York apartment by his housekeeper at 3:30pm.”According to news reports, Ledger was found laying face down at the foot of his bed, naked. If you suddenly collapse on your face, and die naked on the floor, that doesn’t exactly sound like a peaceful sleep.Ledger was known to have been suffering from pneumonia at the time, but sleeping pills and prescription pills were both found on the scene. I heard an early synopsis that Ledger may have overdosed on Ambien, the wonderful sleeping medication, but I can’t confirm that at this time.Ledger was most notably known for his role as a gay cowboy, cast opposite of Jake Gyllenhaal in Brokeback Mountain. My respect for Heath Ledger increased tenfold as I watched him spit on his own hand for lube and give Gyllenhaal the pounding of a lifetime.Rent Brokeback Mountain and watch it with your whole family. Play the sex scenes in slow motion too.Whether he overdosed or just collapsed naked in the floor, Heath Ledger was a fine actor. I didn’t like A Knight’s Tale or 10 Things I Hate About You, but dammit, Brokeback was a fine film and I can say that with heterosexual confidence. You will be missed Mr. Ledger.

Have you seen the movie Juno yet? I haven’t, but apparently it’s pretty good.Have you even heard of the movie Juno? No? Then you need to get a fucking life. It’s raking in the money at the box office right now and will probably win an Oscar.Diablo Cody, the sexy screenwriter of Juno, has an interesting story. Before becoming a millionaire, she was working on her blog The Pussy Ranch. OK, so I’ll give you a hint at what else she was doing before she wrote the script for Juno on her laptop in a Starbucks…No, she wasn’t fucking Will Smith - that was just a trick. Actually…She was a stripper! Diablo doesn’t sound like a stripper name, does it? Wait, yes it does. Actually, I think I really know a stripper named Diablo. Maybe she would like to make a movie with me *wink wink*You see guys, strippers are good for more than just emptying your wallet, telling you lies, and maybe even a BJ if the price is right. Who knows what might happen if they just put down cocaine and pick up some Starbucks. Maybe the next big movie will be written by Chesty McFuckerstein.Here’s to you, Diablo Cody!PS. Can we still see your tits for a buck?

On Friday morning, 53 year old Margot Foster was returning to her home when she caught a burglar stealing shit from her bedroom. Instead of running out of the house screaming like an old woman should do, she chased the burglar out of the house and tackled him in the back yard.What 24 year old Gregory St. Germain didn’t know was that Margot is a black belt in karate and Kung Fu. Let’s find out who’s in better shape…This is obviously the burglar and not the old woman.St. Germain managed to free himself and took off running. Margot followed him for seven blocks, tackled him again, and pinned him down until the cops came. What St. Germain also didn’t know was Margot Foster is a marathon runner too.She can’t fight menopause, but she sure can fight crime!This is kind of scary to me because I always thought that if I was desperate and had to stoop as low as theft, I would definitely hit the homes of the elderly first. I know 53 years old isn’t that old, but I’d never suspect that a woman who’s ovaries stopped functioning a decade ago would be able to chase me down and kick my ass.I guess burglars should start victimizing the old and disabled. Better hope those scooters don’t get any faster though.

If Jean Merola was 50 years younger, I would totally stick it to her for being awesome. The 75 year old grandmother from Clearwater, Florida was arrested at a McDonald’s drive-thru this weekend for disorderly conduct. “Argh, I’m an old woman!”An employee at the window told Jean to wait at the window for her fries and coffee. Apparently, the fat fuck officer waiting behind her really wanted his Big Mac because when he got sick of waiting, he told Jean to pull aside and wait. When she refused, citing that she was told to wait, the cop ordered her to move aside. When she declined again, the officer handcuffed her behind her back and another officer took her to jail.”You’re under arrest for the future heart attacks of 50 million Americans.”The only thing more shocking than the fact that an officer could be that big of a prick, is the fact that two officers could justify handcuffing and arresting a grandmother of eight who just wanted some coffee. Goddammit, I really hate pigs. I HATE em.If anything, why not arrest the piece of shit that put a handful of pubes in my double quarter pounder last week?

Two small personal aircrafts collided in the sky over a car dealership in California today, causing wreckage and bodies to rain down onto people. This is God’s way of punishing you for thinking about buying a Chevy.”Hmm… something here just doesn’t look right.”A bystander was killed by falling debris and two others were killed after leaping from one of the planes. One of the leapers actually landed on a new Ford Mustang, undoubtedly helping a salesman on his approach: “Holy shit!!! Umm well, this is why it’s much safer to drive… so… you still want the car?”Another leaper landed on the concrete behind the car that the first person crashed into. Too bad he couldn’t die in style too.Investigators are still trying to figure out why the mid-air collision happened in the first place. What I’d like to know is why the leapers thought it would be better to splat onto a car dealership instead of looking for the nearest hippy to land on - California is full of ‘em!”Wait, I gotta go back! Forgot my chute!”

Today’s Darwin award goes out 13 year old Kevin Hrcka from New York.Yesterday, Kevin went to visit his dad at a Brooklyn lumber yard and decided to take a spin on a 2 1/2 ton forklift that he naturally had no prior training to use. The dramatization below illustrates the outcome.Somebody stick a forklift in him, he’s done!I’d also like to point out that the last name Hrcka makes no sense. There should really be a vowel in between the H and R.

British Pop/Alternative/Whatever star Lily Allen, 22, has just lost her baby. Well, she knows where the baby is, but you don’t want to see what it looks like. That would just be gross.Ahhhhh! Dead baby!I think Lily Allen is a little cutie, so I was wondering what lucky bastard got to send his love rocket into her baby cave. It was none other than Chemical Brother Ed Simons - he’s over 15 years older than Lily.Seriously, Lily? For real?When celebrities have miscarriages, it’s no real surprise to me. Stress, drugs, alcohol, and star fucking are all very traumatic to a fetus. Although Lily and Ed (who have only been dating four months) refuse to answer any questions regarding her motherly misfortune, I have narrowed the tragedy down to two causes:1. Karma: Lily Allen denied that she was pregnant almost all the way up to her miscarriage. She even went as far as posting a blog about all the rumors about her - one of those “rumors” was about her being pregnant. There’s no scientific proof that fetuses do not have internet access, so it’s quite possible that the baby read her blog, felt ashamed and unwanted, and decided to strangle itself with it’s own cord.”Youuuu BITCH!”2. Old semen: Ed Simons is going to be 38 this year. There’s no doubt that the majority of his sperm are retarded. They say 40 is the new 20 and that may be true for some people, but look at him. The Chemical Brothers have been making electronic music since I was youngster and chances are, Ed has done more ecstasy and coke than an abandoned warehouse filled with gay men. You gay guys know what I’m talkin’ about.Either way, I feel bad for the couple. Or at least I have to say that so I don’t sound like a complete asshole. They were only together four months and he was way too old for her anyway. Lily, if you wanna try again, I’m just across the Atlantic ocean.