Maybe Oklahoma jails aren’t so bad after all: Three meals a day, your own bedroom, free medical care, and blowjobs. Wait… blowjobs?

Bobby Mann, 37, is one lucky inmate. On New Years Eve, Bobby got some penis-to-mouth lovin’ from 20 year old female guard Billie Pelley. Although Bobby never got to finish, the District Court blew a fat legal load all over her face by pressing criminal sexual charges on her.

Bobbie Pelley: She doesn’t even look like a slut! (Lie)

Apparently, since Bobby Mann isn’t a free man, it was a felony Ms. Pelley to give him a blowjob since she was in a position of power. She’s now facing serious charges, even though Bobby admitted to consent.

I was thinking what a pimp Bobby must be to earn the trust of a female guard and even get her to risk her job (and freedom) by talking her into oral sex. I mean, surely he’d be a good looking, smooth talking dude, right?

I’m not sure who lowered their standards further.

I have to sympathize with my man Bobby on this one. The guy is in jail. I’d accept a blowjob from a hole in the wall if I was locked up long enough. Not to mention, Pelley has “Queen of Fellatio” written all over her face. Look at her lips… they’re just quivering at the thought of touching a penis.

Criminal sexual charges for this poor hussy though? I think that’s a little harsh. I propose that she be forced to perform 100 hours of community service, in which she would travel around to different prisons and give blowjobs to participating prisoners. Pump her stomach and then send her off to the next one!

“Is it our turn yet?!”

Are you surprised that this man beat off on one of this students?

According to Scottsdale police, Tom Porras invited one of his hot female students to his home for an “athletic massage,” which ended with her laying on an exercise ball covered in love lotion.

The police seized the jizz-covered exercise ball and clothing, then released this composite sketch dramatizing the incident.

“It’s meee, Tom Porras… I mean Mario!”

Even though Tom willingly confessed to the police about this inappropriate act, the judge acquitted him of the charges. The official report says that the confession was thrown out because of a violation of Mr. Porras’ right to remain silent, but inside sources say the Judge is preparing a much larger case against his mustache and is hoping for cooperation. Details of this case are scarce but here is some leaked evidence that shows this very mustache involved with some of the biggest perverts of our time…

What makes a person want to commit suicide? The only way I’d ever want to blow my brains out is if I was trapped on a desert island with the movie Grease playing repeatedly on a giant TV. I hate that movie.

In Britain, it seems that the newest “cool” thing for teenagers to do is kill themselves. Not because they are depressed about life, but because they want attention. Umm… what?

There’s a social networking site called Bebo that is popular over in the UK. Apparently, teens are committing suicide because classmates have been creating memorials on Bebo to honor the little emo fuckers after they die. They like the attention.

If your life is shitty enough that you’d actually consider killing yourself for a little attention, then chances are, you don’t have many friends. Even if you want to guilt trip all the people who ever picked on you, how would you ever find out whether or not anyone even gave a shit that you died? Not everyone that dies gets a memorial.

This is how everyone will be affected by your death:

Bob: “Hey, did you hear about that girl at school that killed herself?”
Alex: “Yeah, Becki ‘The Cutter’ Jones, right? She was a fucking weirdo.”
Bob: “OMG I know! She had nice boobs though… for a goth girl LOL.”
Alex: “Come on man… have some respect for the dead.”
Bob: “Why? She killed herself. How can you respect a person that doesn’t even respect themselves?”
Alex: “Hmm. Touche! Let’s go get some pizza!”
Crystal: “I had Phys Ed with her and her vagina smelled up the entire locker room.”
Bob: “Werd. Pizza time!”

See? Killing yourself is not the answer. There are other ways to cope with your depression…

Australian actor Heath Ledger died in his New York apartment yesterday afternoon – he was only 28 years old.

This is an excerpt of the statement Heath’s family made regarding his death:

“We confirm the very tragic, untimely and accidental passing of our dearly loved son, brother and doting father of Matilda, who was found in a peaceful sleep in his New York apartment by his housekeeper at 3:30pm.”

According to news reports, Ledger was found laying face down at the foot of his bed, naked. If you suddenly collapse on your face, and die naked on the floor, that doesn’t exactly sound like a peaceful sleep.

Ledger was known to have been suffering from pneumonia at the time, but sleeping pills and prescription pills were both found on the scene. I heard an early synopsis that Ledger may have overdosed on Ambien, the wonderful sleeping medication, but I can’t confirm that at this time.

Ledger was most notably known for his role as a gay cowboy, cast opposite of Jake Gyllenhaal in Brokeback Mountain. My respect for Heath Ledger increased tenfold as I watched him spit on his own hand for lube and give Gyllenhaal the pounding of a lifetime.

Rent Brokeback Mountain and watch it with your whole family. Play the sex scenes in slow motion too.

Whether he overdosed or just collapsed naked in the floor, Heath Ledger was a fine actor. I didn’t like A Knight’s Tale or 10 Things I Hate About You, but dammit, Brokeback was a fine film and I can say that with heterosexual confidence. You will be missed Mr. Ledger.

Have you seen the movie Juno yet? I haven’t, but apparently it’s pretty good.

Have you even heard of the movie Juno? No? Then you need to get a fucking life. It’s raking in the money at the box office right now and will probably win an Oscar.

Diablo Cody, the sexy screenwriter of Juno, has an interesting story. Before becoming a millionaire, she was working on her blog The Pussy Ranch. OK, so I’ll give you a hint at what else she was doing before she wrote the script for Juno on her laptop in a Starbucks…

No, she wasn’t fucking Will Smith – that was just a trick. Actually…

She was a stripper! Diablo doesn’t sound like a stripper name, does it? Wait, yes it does. Actually, I think I really know a stripper named Diablo. Maybe she would like to make a movie with me *wink wink*

You see guys, strippers are good for more than just emptying your wallet, telling you lies, and maybe even a BJ if the price is right. Who knows what might happen if they just put down cocaine and pick up some Starbucks. Maybe the next big movie will be written by Chesty McFuckerstein.

Here’s to you, Diablo Cody!

PS. Can we still see your tits for a buck?