On Friday morning, 53 year old Margot Foster was returning to her home when she caught a burglar stealing shit from her bedroom. Instead of running out of the house screaming like an old woman should do, she chased the burglar out of the house and tackled him in the back yard.

What 24 year old Gregory St. Germain didn’t know was that Margot is a black belt in karate and Kung Fu. Let’s find out who’s in better shape…

This is obviously the burglar and not the old woman.

St. Germain managed to free himself and took off running. Margot followed him for seven blocks, tackled him again, and pinned him down until the cops came. What St. Germain also didn’t know was Margot Foster is a marathon runner too.

She can’t fight menopause, but she sure can fight crime!

This is kind of scary to me because I always thought that if I was desperate and had to stoop as low as theft, I would definitely hit the homes of the elderly first. I know 53 years old isn’t that old, but I’d never suspect that a woman who’s ovaries stopped functioning a decade ago would be able to chase me down and kick my ass.

I guess burglars should start victimizing the old and disabled. Better hope those scooters don’t get any faster though.

If Jean Merola was 50 years younger, I would totally stick it to her for being awesome. The 75 year old grandmother from Clearwater, Florida was arrested at a McDonald’s drive-thru this weekend for disorderly conduct.

“Argh, I’m an old woman!”

An employee at the window told Jean to wait at the window for her fries and coffee. Apparently, the fat fuck officer waiting behind her really wanted his Big Mac because when he got sick of waiting, he told Jean to pull aside and wait. When she refused, citing that she was told to wait, the cop ordered her to move aside. When she declined again, the officer handcuffed her behind her back and another officer took her to jail.

“You’re under arrest for the future heart attacks of 50 million Americans.”

The only thing more shocking than the fact that an officer could be that big of a prick, is the fact that two officers could justify handcuffing and arresting a grandmother of eight who just wanted some coffee. Goddammit, I really hate pigs. I HATE em.

If anything, why not arrest the piece of shit that put a handful of pubes in my double quarter pounder last week?

Two small personal aircrafts collided in the sky over a car dealership in California today, causing wreckage and bodies to rain down onto people. This is God’s way of punishing you for thinking about buying a Chevy.

“Hmm… something here just doesn’t look right.”

A bystander was killed by falling debris and two others were killed after leaping from one of the planes. One of the leapers actually landed on a new Ford Mustang, undoubtedly helping a salesman on his approach: “Holy shit!!! Umm well, this is why it’s much safer to drive… so… you still want the car?”

Another leaper landed on the concrete behind the car that the first person crashed into. Too bad he couldn’t die in style too.

Investigators are still trying to figure out why the mid-air collision happened in the first place. What I’d like to know is why the leapers thought it would be better to splat onto a car dealership instead of looking for the nearest hippy to land on – California is full of ‘em!

“Wait, I gotta go back! Forgot my chute!”

Today’s Darwin award goes out 13 year old Kevin Hrcka from New York.

Yesterday, Kevin went to visit his dad at a Brooklyn lumber yard and decided to take a spin on a 2 1/2 ton forklift that he naturally had no prior training to use. The dramatization below illustrates the outcome.

Somebody stick a forklift in him, he’s done!

I’d also like to point out that the last name Hrcka makes no sense. There should really be a vowel in between the H and R.

British Pop/Alternative/Whatever star Lily Allen, 22, has just lost her baby. Well, she knows where the baby is, but you don’t want to see what it looks like. That would just be gross.

Ahhhhh! Dead baby!

I think Lily Allen is a little cutie, so I was wondering what lucky bastard got to send his love rocket into her baby cave. It was none other than Chemical Brother Ed Simons – he’s over 15 years older than Lily.

Seriously, Lily? For real?

When celebrities have miscarriages, it’s no real surprise to me. Stress, drugs, alcohol, and star fucking are all very traumatic to a fetus. Although Lily and Ed (who have only been dating four months) refuse to answer any questions regarding her motherly misfortune, I have narrowed the tragedy down to two causes:

1. Karma: Lily Allen denied that she was pregnant almost all the way up to her miscarriage. She even went as far as posting a blog about all the rumors about her – one of those “rumors” was about her being pregnant. There’s no scientific proof that fetuses do not have internet access, so it’s quite possible that the baby read her blog, felt ashamed and unwanted, and decided to strangle itself with it’s own cord.

“Youuuu BITCH!”

2. Old semen: Ed Simons is going to be 38 this year. There’s no doubt that the majority of his sperm are retarded. They say 40 is the new 20 and that may be true for some people, but look at him. The Chemical Brothers have been making electronic music since I was youngster and chances are, Ed has done more ecstasy and coke than an abandoned warehouse filled with gay men. You gay guys know what I’m talkin’ about.

Either way, I feel bad for the couple. Or at least I have to say that so I don’t sound like a complete asshole. They were only together four months and he was way too old for her anyway. Lily, if you wanna try again, I’m just across the Atlantic ocean.