I’ve come to realize a sad fact about life. That is, the older most people get, the bigger assholes they become. Nobody starts out as a regular Joe and becomes increasingly eccentric and happy as they age. People get bored with their family lives and shitty jobs, so they do the only thing that makes them feel better – bitch about insignificant things.
“Aye aye aye! I hate everything, señor!”
Remember my post about the woman mayor who was recalled for posting a fitness picture of herself wearing lingerie on her myspace profile? This next story is quite similar but even more annoying. Imagine yourself driving down the road in Pennsylvania and seeing a convenience store’s billboard advertising a fried chicken sandwich – the billboard reads, “Crispy Frickin’ Chicken.”
Isn’t your first reaction to raise a ruckus about how offensive the word “frickin’” is and that you don’t want your children exposed to such profanity? No? Congratulations, you’re not an asshole… yet.
Several people in Wisconsin have been complaining endlessly about Sheetz Incorporated’s new advertisement, claiming that it is too profane for the public. This makes about as much sense as a severely mentally retarded person trying to complain about world economics. These same people go home and watch basic cable TV shows that regularly use words like ass, bitch, dumbass, slut, and shit-fucking turd-licker (OK, not that one) – not to mention all the sexual inuendo. Meanwhile, their children are stealing cars and dealing drugs in games like Grand Theft Auto.
I wish I could just kick the entire world in the balls right now. Chances are, your child’s profanity vocabulary has far surpassed the word frickin’, and they probably learned it from you or friends at school. What is the point of wasting your time bitching about things like this when there is so many other legitimate problems in the world? It’s a good thing I didn’t design that billboard.
Everyone has found a hair in their food before. The first question that pops into your mind is, “Is this my hair?” A person can handle finding one of their own hairs in food – much like how people can tolerate the smell of their own farts – but if you’re a brunette and you find a curly red pube in your tuna salad, the mind starts to wander.
The kitchen floor of Applebee’s.
At a Texas Roadhouse restaurant in Wisconsin, a customer noticed something was odd about the texture of his steak on Saturday. He complained to the manager and then police when he found his steak was chock-full of curly hairs – the kind that don’t come from your head.
The guilty chef, Ryan Kropp, admitted to police that he had put facial hair in the customer’s food. However, a coworker claimed that Ryan had put more hair in a second steak and said, “These are my pubes.”
“The butt hairs are gonna cost you extra, buddy.”
Although this may seem disgusting to many of you, I’m just happy I finally know what to do with the big wad of hair I have leftover from shaving my beard last Thursday!
You guys probably think I’m kidding, but this is my actual beard after shaving it off.
In the past, I’ve reported on slutty women teachers banging their students. I’ve also talked about creepy male teachers shooting loads on their pupils. I mean “pupils” as in “students,” not eyeballs. Who shoots loads into their own pupils anyway?
“Ahhh! It really does burn!”
I digress.
High school volleyball coach Lauren Palmer, 23, was arrested in Idaho on Monday night for violating her probation which explicitly state that Lauren’s tongue and fingers are not to be within 100 yards of any teenage girls. Apparently, she thought her strap-on was excluded from the deal. WRONG!
Not terribly shabby. Too bad she’s a full-time rug muncher.
Although details of what she really did to violate her probation are scarce, she was originally arrested last year for being caught by police in a park with a 16 year old girl at 1AM, on a blanket. Reports say she was wearing the girls vagina on her face like a mask.
“It looked like she was a bear sticking her face into a giant hole in a log, trying to lick out some ants or honey or somethin’. That poor little girl she was munchin’ on seemed to be very distressed,” said the arresting officer. For legal purposes, that quote may or may not be fabricated by me. But she was definitely charged with felony “injury” of a child.
I hate to be one to support stereotypes, but I’m not surprised at all by this. As a young and hormone-filled man in highschool, I remember feeling the hatred spewing out of the volleyball coach’s eyes every time she looked at me. It was the kind of look that sent your testicles shivering back up inside you. The last time I felt anger like that towards men was at this rally:
“Arrrgh! I hate me some penis, yet I want to have one soooo baaaad!”
Do they not have gay bars in Idaho? Come on, Lauren. You could have at least waited until she graduated!
Listen up Arlington, Oregon, population 500: 142 of you are fucking assholes. Not many American towns are lucky enough to have a MILF for a mayor. You had one and you fucked it up. Shit on you, Arlington.
Carmen Kontur-Gronquist is a 42 year old single mother who was the mayor of Arlington until this week. A recall vote was initiated for Carmen once some jealous citizens discovered her myspace profile which showed her in lingerie. Although the pictures were taken a few years ago, that didn’t matter to the happy folks of Arlington who voted 142-193 to force Carmen’s resignation.
Carmen Kontur-Gronquist, MILF extraordinaire.
The pictures of Carmen in lingerie were taken for a fitness contest. She had them on her myspace page in hopes to improve her social life as a single mother, but since her townsfolk are suffering from huge-fucking-stick-up-their-assitis, they naturally had to make a big ordeal about it.
I’ve seen Arnold Schwarzenegger’s dick, balls, and ass. I’ve seen him kill countless people on the big screen and smoke pot in Pumping Iron. Bill Clinton cheated on his wife and George Bush did coke in college (not to mention he hasn’t been cleared of having any form of mental retardation), yet these are not problems with the American public. This is what all the fuss was about in Arlington:
Feast your eyes.
Excuse me… I need to put away my lotion and tissues. Oops, I got a little on my keyboard too.
This woman has a nicer body than 95% of women I know that are 20 years younger than her. What is the big fucking deal? Arlington is going down in sidecarsally history as the most prude town in America.
In the past few years, I’ve known several young people who have tied the knot. Since then, several of those people have also got divorced or sit around all day and bitch about how much their marriage sucks. Why? Because they’re fucking stupid for getting married in the first place.
I’m speaking for the general public here, not everyone. If you’re happily married and you disagree with this, it’s not because I’m wrong – it’s because you’re one of the very few couples that has found true love in this modern age of materialism, cheating, and myspace (cheating again). And you’re probably over the age of 35.
A classic display of premature marriage was shown this week on Fox’s “Moment of Truth” reality show when Lauren admitted to millions of viewers that she’s pretty much the worst wife a man could ask for.
The plot of the show is simple: A contestant is asked several questions while hooked up to a lie detector backstage. They are then brought out in front of an audience to re-answer their questions. If every answer was truthful, they win a large sum of money. If they are caught lying at all, they get jack shit.
The questions can range from “Have you ever masturbated in public,” to “Do you ever think of little boys naked when you watch your son’s little league game?” This is easily the most uncomfortable show I’ve ever seen, yet I can’t look away!
In this week’s Moment of Truth, one of the contestants blew my fucking mind. Although only her first name was revealed, I will refer to her as Lauren McSlutface. She made it very far into the game, but as her questions progressed she began admitting some pretty heartbreaking news, like how she would leave her husband if her ex-boyfriend took her back. Watch as she slowly demolishes her marriage with Frank all for the sake of $200,000, which she ultimately lost by failing to honestly answer the question, “Are you a good person?”
So there you have it. The only person that could ever win the money without looking like an asshole is Jesus Christ. Needless to say, I won’t be signing up to be a contestant anytime soon. Good luck patching things up with Frank!
