I’ve come to realize a sad fact about life. That is, the older most people get, the bigger assholes they become. Nobody starts out as a regular Joe and becomes increasingly eccentric and happy as they age. People get bored with their family lives and shitty jobs, so they do the only thing that makes them feel better - bitch about insignificant things.”Aye aye aye! I hate everything, se

Everyone has found a hair in their food before. The first question that pops into your mind is, “Is this my hair?” A person can handle finding one of their own hairs in food - much like how people can tolerate the smell of their own farts - but if you’re a brunette and you find a curly red pube in your tuna salad, the mind starts to wander.The kitchen floor of Applebee’s.At a Texas Roadhouse restaurant in Wisconsin, a customer noticed something was odd about the texture of his steak on Saturday. He complained to the manager and then police when he found his steak was chock-full of curly hairs - the kind that don’t come from your head. The guilty chef, Ryan Kropp, admitted to police that he had put facial hair in the customer’s food. However, a coworker claimed that Ryan had put more hair in a second steak and said, “These are my pubes.”"The butt hairs are gonna cost you extra, buddy.”Although this may seem disgusting to many of you, I’m just happy I finally know what to do with the big wad of hair I have leftover from shaving my beard last Thursday!You guys probably think I’m kidding, but this is my actual beard after shaving it off.

In the past, I’ve reported on slutty women teachers banging their students. I’ve also talked about creepy male teachers shooting loads on their pupils. I mean “pupils” as in “students,” not eyeballs. Who shoots loads into their own pupils anyway?”Ahhh! It really does burn!”I digress.High school volleyball coach Lauren Palmer, 23, was arrested in Idaho on Monday night for violating her probation which explicitly state that Lauren’s tongue and fingers are not to be within 100 yards of any teenage girls. Apparently, she thought her strap-on was excluded from the deal. WRONG!Not terribly shabby. Too bad she’s a full-time rug muncher.Although details of what she really did to violate her probation are scarce, she was originally arrested last year for being caught by police in a park with a 16 year old girl at 1AM, on a blanket. Reports say she was wearing the girls vagina on her face like a mask.”It looked like she was a bear sticking her face into a giant hole in a log, trying to lick out some ants or honey or somethin’. That poor little girl she was munchin’ on seemed to be very distressed,” said the arresting officer. For legal purposes, that quote may or may not be fabricated by me. But she was definitely charged with felony “injury” of a child.I hate to be one to support stereotypes, but I’m not surprised at all by this. As a young and hormone-filled man in highschool, I remember feeling the hatred spewing out of the volleyball coach’s eyes every time she looked at me. It was the kind of look that sent your testicles shivering back up inside you. The last time I felt anger like that towards men was at this rally:”Arrrgh! I hate me some penis, yet I want to have one soooo baaaad!”Do they not have gay bars in Idaho? Come on, Lauren. You could have at least waited until she graduated!

Listen up Arlington, Oregon, population 500: 142 of you are fucking assholes. Not many American towns are lucky enough to have a MILF for a mayor. You had one and you fucked it up. Shit on you, Arlington.Carmen Kontur-Gronquist is a 42 year old single mother who was the mayor of Arlington until this week. A recall vote was initiated for Carmen once some jealous citizens discovered her myspace profile which showed her in lingerie. Although the pictures were taken a few years ago, that didn’t matter to the happy folks of Arlington who voted 142-193 to force Carmen’s resignation.Carmen Kontur-Gronquist, MILF extraordinaire.The pictures of Carmen in lingerie were taken for a fitness contest. She had them on her myspace page in hopes to improve her social life as a single mother, but since her townsfolk are suffering from huge-fucking-stick-up-their-assitis, they naturally had to make a big ordeal about it.I’ve seen Arnold Schwarzenegger’s dick, balls, and ass. I’ve seen him kill countless people on the big screen and smoke pot in Pumping Iron. Bill Clinton cheated on his wife and George Bush did coke in college (not to mention he hasn’t been cleared of having any form of mental retardation), yet these are not problems with the American public. This is what all the fuss was about in Arlington:Feast your eyes.Excuse me… I need to put away my lotion and tissues. Oops, I got a little on my keyboard too.This woman has a nicer body than 95% of women I know that are 20 years younger than her. What is the big fucking deal? Arlington is going down in sidecarsally history as the most prude town in America.

In the past few years, I’ve known several young people who have tied the knot. Since then, several of those people have also got divorced or sit around all day and bitch about how much their marriage sucks. Why? Because they’re fucking stupid for getting married in the first place.I’m speaking for the general public here, not everyone. If you’re happily married and you disagree with this, it’s not because I’m wrong - it’s because you’re one of the very few couples that has found true love in this modern age of materialism, cheating, and myspace (cheating again). And you’re probably over the age of 35.A classic display of premature marriage was shown this week on Fox’s “Moment of Truth” reality show when Lauren admitted to millions of viewers that she’s pretty much the worst wife a man could ask for.The plot of the show is simple: A contestant is asked several questions while hooked up to a lie detector backstage. They are then brought out in front of an audience to re-answer their questions. If every answer was truthful, they win a large sum of money. If they are caught lying at all, they get jack shit.The questions can range from “Have you ever masturbated in public,” to “Do you ever think of little boys naked when you watch your son’s little league game?” This is easily the most uncomfortable show I’ve ever seen, yet I can’t look away!In this week’s Moment of Truth, one of the contestants blew my fucking mind. Although only her first name was revealed, I will refer to her as Lauren McSlutface. She made it very far into the game, but as her questions progressed she began admitting some pretty heartbreaking news, like how she would leave her husband if her ex-boyfriend took her back. Watch as she slowly demolishes her marriage with Frank all for the sake of $200,000, which she ultimately lost by failing to honestly answer the question, “Are you a good person?”So there you have it. The only person that could ever win the money without looking like an asshole is Jesus Christ. Needless to say, I won’t be signing up to be a contestant anytime soon. Good luck patching things up with Frank!

“Ladies and gentleman, we will now be departing from Haiti’s airport on our nonstop flight to New York. Please make sure all of your luggage is secure and your seats are in the upright position. If you have any serious illnesses, such as heart disease, and require oxygen, please notify one of the flight attendants. They will be glad to argue with you over it for an hour and then give you an empty tank, leading to your untimely death. Thank you, and have a nice flight.”Carine Desir, 44, wasn’t expecting to die 35,000 feet in the air on Friday when she hopped aboard an American Airlines flight 896 to return home from Haiti. During the flight, she started feeling ill and had difficulty breathing - she was actually experiencing heart failure.Carine was denied a portable oxygen mask from a flight attendant until other passengers became agitated by the situation and convinced the cockpit to allow her access to an oxygen tank… which was empty. The flight attendant brought out a second tank, which four medical professionals on the plane tried to administer but couldn’t because that tank was empty also.”During the event of a drop in cabin pressure, place this mask over your face and pray to God that it works.”Her last words were reportedly, “I can’t breathe.”We need to revert back to the days when you could smoke on airplanes, have sex in the bathrooms, and flight attendants were hot blondes called “stewardesses.” Back then, it was acceptable to make testicle jokes to the stewardess when she asked if you wanted complimentary nuts.Back in those days, it wasn’t all about cramming people into a plane and hoping nobody hi-jacks it with a box cutter. People just don’t care about others’ needs anymore. The last few times I’ve flown, I’ve had a gay male flight attendant who wouldn’t even fluff my pillow or bring me a spritzer no matter how hard I flirted with him - I even popped a boner and asked him to buckle my seatbelt.”Can you please hand this water to the dead woman next to you? Thaaanks!”

Marque Buckley, 20, had a busy Wednesday. After a rough day of shoplifting cigarettes from gas stations, she ran into a bit of trouble in Merrimack, New Hampshire when her brain decided to start making completely insane decisions without any hope for rationalization.Earlier in the day Marque had unsuccessfully attempted to steal some smokes from a gas station. She drove off after assaulting the clerk who tried to stop her in the parking lot. But dammit, she needed her fucking cigarettes - which I can relate to - so she drove to a gas station in Merrimack, stole some cigarettes, and made her escape.”This is totally worth going to prison for!”It’s important to note that a shoplifter should have a dependable getaway ride - Marque didn’t. Her car broke down near the Reeds Ferry fire station and instead of getting away on foot, she did the next best thing - tried to steal a fire truck.Luckily, firemen have more physical training than police. She was pulled out of the truck and held until police arrived. Investigators are still trying to figure out why she would try to steal a 30-ton truck that she most likely couldn’t even drive anyway. Why does there need to be an answer for this? Just look at her for fuck’s sake.She’s kind of hot in that heroin junkie kind of way.I really hope that she can post bail so I can write about her next week when she tries to shoplift stickers from CVS and gets away in a helicopter.

Making fun of high school teachers and principals is an age old tradition. Cave drawings have been discovered that show prehistoric professors giving anal to buffaloes and woolly mammoths.As so it has been since the beginning of time, people hate asshole teachers.An eighth grader from Ohio was expelled from school last month after his administrators found a fake myspace page that he had created for his principle at Hillsdale Middle School. Now, the student’s parents are suing the school district to get their son back in school, claiming that his Constitutional right to free speech had been violated. The student was only named by his initials in the police report - R.O. - so I’ll call him Richard Orangesauce, since I love that name.This kid is fucking hilarious. Although the myspace profile titled “Your Princeypal” was deleted, photocopies of it exist in the court documents. The principal’s general interests were “giving anal to the little boys at my school,” and “jacking off in my office.”This is part of the profile, photocopied in the court documents.Did the little guy deserve to be expelled for doing this? The only difference between those caveman drawings and this myspace profile is the fact that technology has changed a lot over the years. Instead of students drawing pictures of Mrs. Bitchface being jizzed on by horses, now they can just create a blog about it.Everybody just needs to chill out. If you’re going to deprive Richard Orangesauce of his education for poking fun at a principal, then you might as well expel 80% of students from every school in America. Besides, the chances are pretty good that the principal really has jacked off in his office at least once before. It’s pretty common.

People do some weird shit to their bodies. Some people tattoo their foreheads while others stretch out their earlobes for fun.”Dude, I’m so metal!”I must admit that I too have my ear lobes stretched out to about 3/4″ and my only reason for doing so is that I keep finding bigger gauges that I really like. I’m not into the extreme body mods though; mods such as cutting open your ballsack and sewing your penis inside of it (seriously, people do that). Or gauging out your nostrils.”When I sneeze, I spray everyone around me with boogers!”What a friend showed me today pretty much blew my mind and made my butthole pucker at the same time… nipple plugs.Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Ew, who would want to gauge their nipples?” Well, I’m not talking about that. Have your barf bags ready!John over at Modblog recently got his nipples cut off and cast into resin plugs to wear in his ears. I guess a male’s nipples really have no purpose, so why not cut them off and let them turn black and shriveled so you can wear them in your ears? Maybe because it’s fucking disgusting.Pause for vomiting now.On the upside, John will never have to worry about getting a purple nurple ever again. Lucky bastard. You know, he has inspired me to think outside the box. I’ve designed a new pair of plugs - let me know if you want to order some. You can get them as small as one week old and as large as the second trimester of pregnancy.

Did everyone get a chance to see the lunar eclipse last night?It kind of just looks like a half moon, doesn’t it?I wasn’t sure exactly what causes a lunar eclipse. I was pretty sure it had something to do with a large, round object passing between the Earth and the moon. I got out my super high-powered telescope and took a look. Amazingly, I saw this:I got to watch Danny Devito sunbathing nude in space. I’m a huge fan of his, but sadly, he was too far away to ask for an autograph.