Happy Ash Wednesday everyone! I like to call it “Ass Wednesday” because I’ve seen a couple of people with ash on their forehead and they really look like jackasses. Today, I unknowingly asked a woman in my work office if she was changing her oil filter earlier.

I’m not one to sit around and bash other peoples’ stupid beliefs, but what is the point of letting a child molester (priest) smear shit on your face? You silly Catholics!

“The purpose of this? Umm.. I forgot. It’s in the Bible somewhere.”

I knew nothing about Ash Wednesday, so I googled it and figured out two things:

1) Ash is rubbed on your face to symbolize something that has to do with repenting your sins before God. Wait, isn’t that the purpose of confession and praying? Why do you need to get your forehead dirty for a day just so Jesus forgives you for masturbating last night?

2) Ash Wednesday is the start of Lent, which is always 40 days before Easter Sunday. During Lent, a person is supposed to give up something meaningful to them such as smoking or junk food. New Years resolutions are better because they are supposed to last an entire year. If I were Catholic, I would give up my socks because socks are important to me, but I could still wear shoes without them.

I started to get into reading about the history of Ash Wednesday and the actual purpose for using ash instead of boogers or cat turds, but it was far too boring to hold my attention. Plus, I can’t stop thinking about boobs at the moment.

Either way, we can add another tally to the long-running list of ridiculous religious customs. This one is right up there with baptisms (Hey, let’s get some water dripped on our heads!) and Ramadan (Hey, let’s starve ourselves!). Eh, whatever floats your boat. It’s just kind of scary that some people will do anything the good book tells them to. I just wish Ash Wednesday was a little more fun.

“And thou shalt snort the powder from the Heavens and all shall be forgiven.”