Some people have no survival skills. Drop them a mile away from civilization and they turn into bumbling idiots, screaming out “HELP!” and curling up in a ball while hoping a helicopter somehow spots them. Everyone knows that if you ever get stranded in the wilderness, the first thing you should do is kill a bear with a stick so you have a sweet story to tell when you are rescued.

Another month and my beard will be that sweet.

Married couple Thomas and Tamitha Garner never killed a bear, but they were recently rescued from the Utah wilderness, along with their dog, after being lost in the snow for 11 days. They originally got fucked by Mother Nature when she put on a strap-on and pounded their anuses with a few feet of snow. Their truck got snowed-in and they survived for several days by rationing food and periodically starting the truck for warmth.

“That Florida travel agent was full of shit. This sucks.”

After food ran out, instead of enjoying some juicy doggy steaks, the couple and their dog set out on a desperate hike for safety. They were eventually found (in great shape) by a snow plow driver 15-20 miles from their truck. I don’t know how they did it – I can barely run to the garage before cramping up.

The creepy turn in the story is when Thomas’ father was quoted saying, “We’re gonna kiss them and caress them and then give them a piece of our mind.” People need to realize that “kiss” and “caress” are only allowed in the same sentence if talking about sex, or making fun of Michael Jackson. Oh, and Tamitha also spelled her name wrong. B and M aren’t even close to each other on a keyboard, so I can’t even guess where the fuck her parents came up with Tamitha.

Welcome home guys! Thomas, only a true mountain man is worthy of wearing that beard, and you sir, have earned it.