If you haven’t seen the movie Jaws, then you’re probably still unafraid to go into the ocean. I saw that movie when I was a little kid and it scared me so bad, that I couldn’t even take a bath. Sitting on the toilet was scary for me too. What if Jaws was in the Michigan sewer systems?

“I’m ascared to go doodie!”

Lucky for us, Police Chief Martin Brody was there to make sure that all the babies on the beach were safe… except for a few annoying ones. He gleefully tossed them into the mouths of the giant sharks when nobody was looking.

I really couldn’t resist.

We are no longer safe from Jaws. Roy Scheider (not to be confused with Rob Schneider) died yesterday; he was 75 years old. Roy played Martin Brody’s character in Jaws and also starred in over 60 other films that I’ve never seen. He never won an Oscar, but he did develop a wicked case of blood cancer which, apparently, is a lot more dangerous than sharks.

I tried to think of some nice things to say about Roy, but honestly, I never felt very close to him. Oh well, here goes:

1) Roy was a Scorpio. I am also a Scorpio.

C) Roy was in a movie called “All That Jazz.” My favorite porno was called “All That Azz.” I also like “Freaky Midget Fuckfest Five.”

OK, so there we have it. I know, none of those things were nice exactly… and I ended up talking about myself after every fact. I guess I should be a little less arrogant. Psh, yeah right.

RIP Roy Scheider – Jaws has been waiting in Heaven for you since 1975. Your battle has only just begun.