Remember this little guy?

No? Surely you guys know who Gary Coleman is. He was on the television show Diff’rent Strokes from 1978-1986. Are you guys really that young? Ugh, anyway.

Due to a deadly kidney-eating disease which halted his growth at 4′6″ – just inches above my nutsack – Gary has been short his entire life. As a kid, I used to wonder how a child could act so well. I didn’t find out he was actually just a midget until many many years after watching Diff’rent Strokes. Needless to say, I kind of felt cheated out of all those laughs.

I guess one of the biggest downfalls of being a midget is that it’s gotta be nearly impossible to get laid. Well, Gary’s 40 year streak with abstinence has come to an end. He recently admitted that he secretly married normal-height actress Shannon Price, 22, in August 2007. Shannon is 18 years younger than Gary. I thought to myself, “What would a 22 year old actress want with a 40 year old has-been?” And then I found their wedding photo.

At first, I thought this picture was taken at a petting zoo; Gary in a nice suit, and a red-haired Shetland pony in a wedding dress. It looks like her gums were replaced with ten pieces of watermelon Bubbleyum.

Either way, I’m happy for Gary. They got married on a mountain top with only 5 or so people attending. I haven’t been able to find any reports that he saddled up and rode his wife back down the mountain to her stable, but reports suggest that Gary’s family bought the couple a giant bale of hay for a wedding gift. Shannon Price is known for her breakthrough role in the movie Seabiscuit, where she played… that’s right, Seabiscuit.