I remember being 11 years old and using the pay phone at the mall to call 1-800-94-JENNY. It was Jenny Craig’s toll free number. When the operator picked up, in my pre-pubescent voice I’d say something insensitive and she would hang up.

Ah, those were the days.

In 2005, actress Kirstie Alley became affiliated with Jenny Craig as spokeswoman for the weight loss company. Yesterday, Kirstie announced that she will no longer be working for the company due to failed negotiations to keep her position as spokeswoman – in other words, Kirstie is a greedy bitch. She plans to start her own weight loss company. It will most definitely not be called “Look Who’s Dieting Now.”

In 2006, a year after her debut with Jenny Craig, Kirstie appeared on Oprah in a bikini to show off her new body, claiming that she had lost 75 pounds in a year – dropping from 220 pounds. I took advanced Calculus in college, so I was able to do the math and figured out that the 5′8″ actress was supposedly 145 pounds during her appearance on Oprah – judge for yourself.

Umm… no.

If she’s 5′8″, there’s no fucking way she weighed 145 pounds in that picture. Her thighs are still so big, when she walks it sounds like two badgers fighting over a deer carcass. Have you ever heard a badger fight over a deer carcass? Well then, shut up.

To her credit, she does look a lot better than she used to.

Here is a future archaeologist digging up her leg bones:

She still hasn’t found a program to stop her face from looking like an old, battered mule.