“Ladies and gentleman, we will now be departing from Haiti’s airport on our nonstop flight to New York. Please make sure all of your luggage is secure and your seats are in the upright position. If you have any serious illnesses, such as heart disease, and require oxygen, please notify one of the flight attendants. They will be glad to argue with you over it for an hour and then give you an empty tank, leading to your untimely death. Thank you, and have a nice flight.”

Carine Desir, 44, wasn’t expecting to die 35,000 feet in the air on Friday when she hopped aboard an American Airlines flight 896 to return home from Haiti. During the flight, she started feeling ill and had difficulty breathing – she was actually experiencing heart failure.

Carine was denied a portable oxygen mask from a flight attendant until other passengers became agitated by the situation and convinced the cockpit to allow her access to an oxygen tank… which was empty. The flight attendant brought out a second tank, which four medical professionals on the plane tried to administer but couldn’t because that tank was empty also.

“During the event of a drop in cabin pressure, place this mask over your face and pray to God that it works.”

Her last words were reportedly, “I can’t breathe.”

We need to revert back to the days when you could smoke on airplanes, have sex in the bathrooms, and flight attendants were hot blondes called “stewardesses.” Back then, it was acceptable to make testicle jokes to the stewardess when she asked if you wanted complimentary nuts.

Back in those days, it wasn’t all about cramming people into a plane and hoping nobody hi-jacks it with a box cutter. People just don’t care about others’ needs anymore. The last few times I’ve flown, I’ve had a gay male flight attendant who wouldn’t even fluff my pillow or bring me a spritzer no matter how hard I flirted with him – I even popped a boner and asked him to buckle my seatbelt.

“Can you please hand this water to the dead woman next to you? Thaaanks!”

Marque Buckley, 20, had a busy Wednesday. After a rough day of shoplifting cigarettes from gas stations, she ran into a bit of trouble in Merrimack, New Hampshire when her brain decided to start making completely insane decisions without any hope for rationalization.

Earlier in the day Marque had unsuccessfully attempted to steal some smokes from a gas station. She drove off after assaulting the clerk who tried to stop her in the parking lot. But dammit, she needed her fucking cigarettes – which I can relate to – so she drove to a gas station in Merrimack, stole some cigarettes, and made her escape.

“This is totally worth going to prison for!”

It’s important to note that a shoplifter should have a dependable getaway ride – Marque didn’t. Her car broke down near the Reeds Ferry fire station and instead of getting away on foot, she did the next best thing – tried to steal a fire truck.

Luckily, firemen have more physical training than police. She was pulled out of the truck and held until police arrived. Investigators are still trying to figure out why she would try to steal a 30-ton truck that she most likely couldn’t even drive anyway. Why does there need to be an answer for this? Just look at her for fuck’s sake.

She’s kind of hot in that heroin junkie kind of way.

I really hope that she can post bail so I can write about her next week when she tries to shoplift stickers from CVS and gets away in a helicopter.

Making fun of high school teachers and principals is an age old tradition. Cave drawings have been discovered that show prehistoric professors giving anal to buffaloes and woolly mammoths.

As so it has been since the beginning of time, people hate asshole teachers.

An eighth grader from Ohio was expelled from school last month after his administrators found a fake myspace page that he had created for his principle at Hillsdale Middle School. Now, the student’s parents are suing the school district to get their son back in school, claiming that his Constitutional right to free speech had been violated. The student was only named by his initials in the police report – R.O. – so I’ll call him Richard Orangesauce, since I love that name.

This kid is fucking hilarious. Although the myspace profile titled “Your Princeypal” was deleted, photocopies of it exist in the court documents. The principal’s general interests were “giving anal to the little boys at my school,” and “jacking off in my office.”

This is part of the profile, photocopied in the court documents.

Did the little guy deserve to be expelled for doing this? The only difference between those caveman drawings and this myspace profile is the fact that technology has changed a lot over the years. Instead of students drawing pictures of Mrs. Bitchface being jizzed on by horses, now they can just create a blog about it.

Everybody just needs to chill out. If you’re going to deprive Richard Orangesauce of his education for poking fun at a principal, then you might as well expel 80% of students from every school in America. Besides, the chances are pretty good that the principal really has jacked off in his office at least once before. It’s pretty common.

People do some weird shit to their bodies. Some people tattoo their foreheads while others stretch out their earlobes for fun.

“Dude, I’m so metal!”

I must admit that I too have my ear lobes stretched out to about 3/4″ and my only reason for doing so is that I keep finding bigger gauges that I really like. I’m not into the extreme body mods though; mods such as cutting open your ballsack and sewing your penis inside of it (seriously, people do that). Or gauging out your nostrils.

“When I sneeze, I spray everyone around me with boogers!”

What a friend showed me today pretty much blew my mind and made my butthole pucker at the same time… nipple plugs.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Ew, who would want to gauge their nipples?” Well, I’m not talking about that. Have your barf bags ready!

John over at Modblog recently got his nipples cut off and cast into resin plugs to wear in his ears. I guess a male’s nipples really have no purpose, so why not cut them off and let them turn black and shriveled so you can wear them in your ears? Maybe because it’s fucking disgusting.

Pause for vomiting now.

On the upside, John will never have to worry about getting a purple nurple ever again. Lucky bastard. You know, he has inspired me to think outside the box. I’ve designed a new pair of plugs – let me know if you want to order some. You can get them as small as one week old and as large as the second trimester of pregnancy.

Did everyone get a chance to see the lunar eclipse last night?

It kind of just looks like a half moon, doesn’t it?

I wasn’t sure exactly what causes a lunar eclipse. I was pretty sure it had something to do with a large, round object passing between the Earth and the moon. I got out my super high-powered telescope and took a look. Amazingly, I saw this:

I got to watch Danny Devito sunbathing nude in space. I’m a huge fan of his, but sadly, he was too far away to ask for an autograph.