Crystal meth is a wonderful drug.I think these are teeth.Aside from the amazing dental benefits, long-term meth use can also lead to terrific health benefits like kidney, lung, and liver damage. Not to mention the mental side effects such as hallucinations and trying to buy watches with $100 Monopoly bills.That’s what Scott Martin, 37, did this week. High on meth, he walked into a shop and tried to buy a watch with two counterfeit $100 bills that contained a watermark of Abraham Lincoln. For those of you broke ass hoes, Abe Lincoln is on a $5 bill and Benjamin Franklin is on the $100 bill - hence the Puff Daddy song.I gotta try whatever he was smokin’. Goddamn.After arguing about the authenticity of the bills, the shopkeeper blasted Martin with a taser and called the police. A background check showed that Martin was already out on bond for counterfeit charges.This isn’t the actual bill, but maybe I can start selling these to crackheads.For giggles, check out this picture to see how meth can transform you from a loser to an ultra-mega-super-fucking loser.

If there’s one person that I should not make fun of on sidecarsally, it’s Duane Chapman - aka Dog The Bounty Hunter.Fuck it.Duane Chapman is nationally known as Dog “The Bounty Hunter.” His television show revolves around him and his family as they travel around Hawaii, picking up fugitives for not appearing in court. I’ve seen the show many times and honestly, the only thing that puzzles me is why his wife didn’t get the nickname Dog.”HOLY FUCKING TITS!”She could probably nurse every abandoned baby in the world with those breasts. But seriously, I’d rather sleep in eternal nightmares than wake up next to her for one morning.Anyway, Dog’s show got pulled from A&E back in November after his son sold a recorded phone call/argument to the National Enquirer for $15,000. During the phone call, Dog blasted his son’s choice of a having black girlfriend. He was recorded using the ‘N’ word repeatedly - no, he was not calling her a ninja.When the recording was leaked, A&E condemned his racist remarks and canned his show. After three months, they are putting him back on the air. Why? They claim that Dog has learned his lesson and has been reaching out to several African American organizations in attempts to make amends for his harsh words. We all know the real reason they decided to bring him back - since the cancellation of his show, nobody fucking watches A&E anymore.

I remember being 11 years old and using the pay phone at the mall to call 1-800-94-JENNY. It was Jenny Craig’s toll free number. When the operator picked up, in my pre-pubescent voice I’d say something insensitive and she would hang up.Ah, those were the days.In 2005, actress Kirstie Alley became affiliated with Jenny Craig as spokeswoman for the weight loss company. Yesterday, Kirstie announced that she will no longer be working for the company due to failed negotiations to keep her position as spokeswoman - in other words, Kirstie is a greedy bitch. She plans to start her own weight loss company. It will most definitely not be called “Look Who’s Dieting Now.”In 2006, a year after her debut with Jenny Craig, Kirstie appeared on Oprah in a bikini to show off her new body, claiming that she had lost 75 pounds in a year - dropping from 220 pounds. I took advanced Calculus in college, so I was able to do the math and figured out that the 5′8″ actress was supposedly 145 pounds during her appearance on Oprah - judge for yourself.Umm… no.If she’s 5′8″, there’s no fucking way she weighed 145 pounds in that picture. Her thighs are still so big, when she walks it sounds like two badgers fighting over a deer carcass. Have you ever heard a badger fight over a deer carcass? Well then, shut up.To her credit, she does look a lot better than she used to.Here is a future archaeologist digging up her leg bones:She still hasn’t found a program to stop her face from looking like an old, battered mule.

Anyone been wondering what’s happened to Lindsay Lohan lately? Me neither. I just figured she was either in rehab, jail, or on the scene of her next shitty movie.I’ve never seen someone look so confused during a mugshot.I opened up Google News today and saw the words “Lohan” and “Nude.” Immediately, my boner jumped out of my pants. Could it be!?Before I continue, I know a lot of you ladies are going to hate on Lindsay Lohan. “Blah blah blah, she’s a slut, blah, tramp whore, ugly, etc.” Well, stop hating. She may indeed be a tramp and ugly without makeup, but we all know that she has immaculate breasts and I’ve wanted to see them for a very long time. Thanks to New York Magazine, that time has arrived.The kittens were added by me to cover up the naughty bits.The photo shoot “tastefully” pits Lohan against the likes of Marilyn Monroe. This is obviously just an excuse for New York Magazine to actually get some readers. Personally, I was a little disappointed that she decided to pose for them instead of Playboy - at least then we would’ve had a chance to see some fire crotch.So there you have it. If you care to look at her freckled ass, check out New York Magazines website - you don’t even have to buy a subscription. Just don’t let your parents catch you jacking off.

The word “retard” does not offend me in any way. I understand that the accepted term for a retarded person is “mentally handicapped,” but I honestly don’t give a shit. Retard, retard, retard.”Hey you guyyyyyyssss!”The word “retard” is recognized in the English dictionary as a slang term for a mentally retarded person. Look for yourself.Well, I’ll be damned!Referring to a person with a mental handicap as “retarded” is just our lazy way of not having to pronounce more words. It’s like calling someone “black” instead of the 7-syllable term “African American.” Hehe, I know you just counted that out with your fingers. Nobody gets pissed about that and most black people are brown anyway. So why all the fuss about this word?A nation autism group, Autism United, is demanding an apology from CBS after airing an episode in which a contestant said he would spend his winnings on a hair salon for people with developmental disabilities “so retards can get it together and get their hair done.” His political incorrectness was immediately corrected by another contestant, to which he replied, “Disabled kids. I can call them whatever I want. I work with them all day, OK?”That’s why Autism United has dragged the national media into their apology campaign? Give me a fucking break. First of all:1) Retarded people generally are in need of new haircuts.Notice the dull, lifeless hair this boy has. Somebody get him some highlights and a nice emo sweep!BAM! He’s a ladykiller now.2) It’s a fucking reality show. If you think CBS should be held responsible for their contestants’ points of view, then maybe we are mistaken who the real retards are.

Yesterday, the largest beef recall in US history took place after some snoopy bitch with a camcorder infiltrated the ranks of the Hallmark Meat Packing Company and took some videos of malnourished and abused cows.”Moo, I’m fucking hungry! Moo.”Wait a sec… Hallmark doesn’t just make cheap teddy bears and greeting cards? They also butcher animals and sell the meat? AWESOME!”Umm.. Gee, thanks hunny.”37 million pounds of meat has been recalled - much of it had been distributed to schools all over the nation and has most likely already been consumed. What exactly does this mean? Probably nothing if you actually cook it like you’re supposed to. Apparently, skinny cows with no energy to stand have a higher risk of being contaminated with E. Coli (the poop bacteria).This is causing concern for a lot of people, but I don’t see what the big deal is. I eat Taco Bell regularly, and I can tell you that most of their meat is definitely flavored with some E. Coli. A little bit of diarrhea and you’re ready to eat it again, the next time you’re drunk.Either way, this event will undoubtedly open the floodgates for PETA fans and animal rights advocates - like this girl with nice tits and no brains:”I’m like totally protesting for animal rights!”PETA cracks me up. They send people to animal shelters to protest against putting stray animals to sleep, then they firebomb medical testing labs in attempts to stop research on the very medicine that keeps humans and animals alive. Oh and their marketing campaign is a joke:Oh, you wanna play the guilt game, PETA? I’ve launched my anti-PETA marketing strategy already:I don’t think this is extreme enough when compared to PETA’s ads. How about the honest truth then?

The Daytona 500 race was on Sunday and little-known racer Ryan Newman overcame all odds and claimed victory!”Yeehaw! I fuckin’ won the Daytona 500!”Only one guy really gives a shit about this. I hope you’re reading this post, Earl.

Where else would this story come from except North Carolina?”Damn baby, you still lookin’ good after them 9 kids.”The mother of a 2 year old baby may be facing charges after she walked into a room and found the baby unconscious on the floor next to an empty bottle of booze. Although the baby did not die, it’s blood alcohol level was over .30, which is about four times the legal limit if driving. Babies can’t drive anyway, so what’s the big deal?”Ish fuggin’ 9AM, Mom. Leave me alooooonnne!”The mother called 911 when she found her son in the other room with a bottle at his side. She claimed to have been in another room with her sister, while her infant son was in the company of her other child - his 4 year old sister. She also claimed that the bottle of alcohol that was consumed was up on a high shelf and she had no idea how either of her children could have accessed it. The 4 year old girl did not have any alcohol in her blood.As far as I’m concerned everyone should have a near-death experience with alcohol so they can understand the dangers of binge drinking. In this case, little buddy got his first stomach pump earlier than most people, so we should be happy that he learned his lesson so soon. He also learned never to pass out before everyone else at a party.”You guys are dicks! I’m fucking two.”

Awesome news from the Phoenix area. Angela Csader, 25, was a kindergarten teacher until January 31st, when she resigned from her position once her school district got wind of her dirty little secret - she’s a sex offender.Sometime around August 2006, Angela was working as a nanny for a family. At some point between rolling around in her mud pen and straightening her curly tail, Angela had sex with her employers’ 16 year old son and got pregnant. It’s important to note that not only is Angela completely fucking repulsive, but she’s also married.Looking at this picture sent my penis screaming back up inside my body.If Mickey Mouse has Minnie, then Porky Pig has Angela Csader.Although charges were pressed on Angela several months ago, her school district was not notified that she is a child-molesting, two-timing bitch until January 30th - the day before she resigned. She was banned from school property and a statement was issued to the parents of the children in her class. Parents are now outraged that she was able to continue teach for so long without anyone being notified of her pending criminal charges.Parents, calm down. The boy that Angela had sex with wasn’t 5. She’s obviously not a full blown pedophile; she just likes her meat with a little peach fuzz on it, if you know what I mean.The twist in the story is that the young father of the child is now in a custody battle with Angela. He is trying to gain full custody and change the baby’s last name. Isn’t all this fighting bad for the infant? Babies shouldn’t be separated from their mothers, especially to be given to a 16 year old boy. After Angela is convicted of statutory rape, the baby should remain with its mother and have its own crib in the corner of her prison cell. Who ever said life is supposed to be fair?Sounds like a Disney movie: Babies In Jail.

Oh, what a joyous day! Today is one of the only days when couples can spend money on each other and forget how shitty their relationships are. Right now, florists and jewelry stores are jam packed with irritated husbands and wannabe boyfriends. Little kids in elementary schools are exchanging Valentines amongst themselves; the kid in the back who eats his own boogers will not receive any Valentines this year. Teddy bears and cheap boxes of chocolates are selling like hotcakes. It makes me fucking sick.What if you hate your “significant” other? You shouldn’t feel obligated to shower them in gifts and pretend that you really don’t wish they would just die so you can avoid the awkwardness of a harsh break-up. Here are some of my ideas to let that special someone know that they really aren’t all that special anymore. I will write this appropriately from a heterosexual male’s point of view:1) Make a card for her, but spell her name wrong on the envelope. On the inside of the card, spell her name in big letters and give a description of her using words that begin with each letter in her name. For example:Finish it off with “I fucking hate your guts,” and sign your name with a