Crystal meth is a wonderful drug.

I think these are teeth.

Aside from the amazing dental benefits, long-term meth use can also lead to terrific health benefits like kidney, lung, and liver damage. Not to mention the mental side effects such as hallucinations and trying to buy watches with $100 Monopoly bills.

That’s what Scott Martin, 37, did this week. High on meth, he walked into a shop and tried to buy a watch with two counterfeit $100 bills that contained a watermark of Abraham Lincoln. For those of you broke ass hoes, Abe Lincoln is on a $5 bill and Benjamin Franklin is on the $100 bill – hence the Puff Daddy song.

I gotta try whatever he was smokin’. Goddamn.

After arguing about the authenticity of the bills, the shopkeeper blasted Martin with a taser and called the police. A background check showed that Martin was already out on bond for counterfeit charges.

This isn’t the actual bill, but maybe I can start selling these to crackheads.

For giggles, check out this picture to see how meth can transform you from a loser to an ultra-mega-super-fucking loser.

If there’s one person that I should not make fun of on sidecarsally, it’s Duane Chapman – aka Dog The Bounty Hunter.

Fuck it.

Duane Chapman is nationally known as Dog “The Bounty Hunter.” His television show revolves around him and his family as they travel around Hawaii, picking up fugitives for not appearing in court. I’ve seen the show many times and honestly, the only thing that puzzles me is why his wife didn’t get the nickname Dog.

“HOLY FUCKING TITS!“

She could probably nurse every abandoned baby in the world with those breasts. But seriously, I’d rather sleep in eternal nightmares than wake up next to her for one morning.

Anyway, Dog’s show got pulled from A&E back in November after his son sold a recorded phone call/argument to the National Enquirer for $15,000. During the phone call, Dog blasted his son’s choice of a having black girlfriend. He was recorded using the ‘N’ word repeatedly – no, he was not calling her a ninja.

When the recording was leaked, A&E condemned his racist remarks and canned his show. After three months, they are putting him back on the air. Why? They claim that Dog has learned his lesson and has been reaching out to several African American organizations in attempts to make amends for his harsh words. We all know the real reason they decided to bring him back – since the cancellation of his show, nobody fucking watches A&E anymore.

I remember being 11 years old and using the pay phone at the mall to call 1-800-94-JENNY. It was Jenny Craig’s toll free number. When the operator picked up, in my pre-pubescent voice I’d say something insensitive and she would hang up.

Ah, those were the days.

In 2005, actress Kirstie Alley became affiliated with Jenny Craig as spokeswoman for the weight loss company. Yesterday, Kirstie announced that she will no longer be working for the company due to failed negotiations to keep her position as spokeswoman – in other words, Kirstie is a greedy bitch. She plans to start her own weight loss company. It will most definitely not be called “Look Who’s Dieting Now.”

In 2006, a year after her debut with Jenny Craig, Kirstie appeared on Oprah in a bikini to show off her new body, claiming that she had lost 75 pounds in a year – dropping from 220 pounds. I took advanced Calculus in college, so I was able to do the math and figured out that the 5′8″ actress was supposedly 145 pounds during her appearance on Oprah – judge for yourself.

Umm… no.

If she’s 5′8″, there’s no fucking way she weighed 145 pounds in that picture. Her thighs are still so big, when she walks it sounds like two badgers fighting over a deer carcass. Have you ever heard a badger fight over a deer carcass? Well then, shut up.

To her credit, she does look a lot better than she used to.

Here is a future archaeologist digging up her leg bones:

She still hasn’t found a program to stop her face from looking like an old, battered mule.

Anyone been wondering what’s happened to Lindsay Lohan lately? Me neither. I just figured she was either in rehab, jail, or on the scene of her next shitty movie.

I’ve never seen someone look so confused during a mugshot.

I opened up Google News today and saw the words “Lohan” and “Nude.” Immediately, my boner jumped out of my pants. Could it be!?

Before I continue, I know a lot of you ladies are going to hate on Lindsay Lohan. “Blah blah blah, she’s a slut, blah, tramp whore, ugly, etc.” Well, stop hating. She may indeed be a tramp and ugly without makeup, but we all know that she has immaculate breasts and I’ve wanted to see them for a very long time. Thanks to New York Magazine, that time has arrived.

The kittens were added by me to cover up the naughty bits.

The photo shoot “tastefully” pits Lohan against the likes of Marilyn Monroe. This is obviously just an excuse for New York Magazine to actually get some readers. Personally, I was a little disappointed that she decided to pose for them instead of Playboy – at least then we would’ve had a chance to see some fire crotch.

So there you have it. If you care to look at her freckled ass, check out New York Magazines website – you don’t even have to buy a subscription. Just don’t let your parents catch you jacking off.

The word “retard” does not offend me in any way. I understand that the accepted term for a retarded person is “mentally handicapped,” but I honestly don’t give a shit. Retard, retard, retard.

“Hey you guyyyyyyssss!”

The word “retard” is recognized in the English dictionary as a slang term for a mentally retarded person. Look for yourself.

Well, I’ll be damned!

Referring to a person with a mental handicap as “retarded” is just our lazy way of not having to pronounce more words. It’s like calling someone “black” instead of the 7-syllable term “African American.” Hehe, I know you just counted that out with your fingers. Nobody gets pissed about that and most black people are brown anyway. So why all the fuss about this word?

A nation autism group, Autism United, is demanding an apology from CBS after airing an episode in which a contestant said he would spend his winnings on a hair salon for people with developmental disabilities “so retards can get it together and get their hair done.” His political incorrectness was immediately corrected by another contestant, to which he replied, “Disabled kids. I can call them whatever I want. I work with them all day, OK?”

That’s why Autism United has dragged the national media into their apology campaign? Give me a fucking break. First of all:

1) Retarded people generally are in need of new haircuts.

Notice the dull, lifeless hair this boy has. Somebody get him some highlights and a nice emo sweep!

BAM! He’s a ladykiller now.

2) It’s a fucking reality show. If you think CBS should be held responsible for their contestants’ points of view, then maybe we are mistaken who the real retards are.