Yesterday, the largest beef recall in US history took place after some snoopy bitch with a camcorder infiltrated the ranks of the Hallmark Meat Packing Company and took some videos of malnourished and abused cows.

“Moo, I’m fucking hungry! Moo.”

Wait a sec… Hallmark doesn’t just make cheap teddy bears and greeting cards? They also butcher animals and sell the meat? AWESOME!

“Umm.. Gee, thanks hunny.”

37 million pounds of meat has been recalled – much of it had been distributed to schools all over the nation and has most likely already been consumed. What exactly does this mean? Probably nothing if you actually cook it like you’re supposed to. Apparently, skinny cows with no energy to stand have a higher risk of being contaminated with E. Coli (the poop bacteria).

This is causing concern for a lot of people, but I don’t see what the big deal is. I eat Taco Bell regularly, and I can tell you that most of their meat is definitely flavored with some E. Coli. A little bit of diarrhea and you’re ready to eat it again, the next time you’re drunk.

Either way, this event will undoubtedly open the floodgates for PETA fans and animal rights advocates – like this girl with nice tits and no brains:

“I’m like totally protesting for animal rights!”

PETA cracks me up. They send people to animal shelters to protest against putting stray animals to sleep, then they firebomb medical testing labs in attempts to stop research on the very medicine that keeps humans and animals alive. Oh and their marketing campaign is a joke:

Oh, you wanna play the guilt game, PETA? I’ve launched my anti-PETA marketing strategy already:

I don’t think this is extreme enough when compared to PETA’s ads. How about the honest truth then?

The Daytona 500 race was on Sunday and little-known racer Ryan Newman overcame all odds and claimed victory!

“Yeehaw! I fuckin’ won the Daytona 500!”

Only one guy really gives a shit about this. I hope you’re reading this post, Earl.

Where else would this story come from except North Carolina?

“Damn baby, you still lookin’ good after them 9 kids.”

The mother of a 2 year old baby may be facing charges after she walked into a room and found the baby unconscious on the floor next to an empty bottle of booze. Although the baby did not die, it’s blood alcohol level was over .30, which is about four times the legal limit if driving. Babies can’t drive anyway, so what’s the big deal?

“Ish fuggin’ 9AM, Mom. Leave me alooooonnne!”

The mother called 911 when she found her son in the other room with a bottle at his side. She claimed to have been in another room with her sister, while her infant son was in the company of her other child – his 4 year old sister. She also claimed that the bottle of alcohol that was consumed was up on a high shelf and she had no idea how either of her children could have accessed it. The 4 year old girl did not have any alcohol in her blood.

As far as I’m concerned everyone should have a near-death experience with alcohol so they can understand the dangers of binge drinking. In this case, little buddy got his first stomach pump earlier than most people, so we should be happy that he learned his lesson so soon. He also learned never to pass out before everyone else at a party.

“You guys are dicks! I’m fucking two.“

Awesome news from the Phoenix area. Angela Csader, 25, was a kindergarten teacher until January 31st, when she resigned from her position once her school district got wind of her dirty little secret – she’s a sex offender.

Sometime around August 2006, Angela was working as a nanny for a family. At some point between rolling around in her mud pen and straightening her curly tail, Angela had sex with her employers’ 16 year old son and got pregnant. It’s important to note that not only is Angela completely fucking repulsive, but she’s also married.

Looking at this picture sent my penis screaming back up inside my body.

If Mickey Mouse has Minnie, then Porky Pig has Angela Csader.

Although charges were pressed on Angela several months ago, her school district was not notified that she is a child-molesting, two-timing bitch until January 30th – the day before she resigned. She was banned from school property and a statement was issued to the parents of the children in her class. Parents are now outraged that she was able to continue teach for so long without anyone being notified of her pending criminal charges.

Parents, calm down. The boy that Angela had sex with wasn’t 5. She’s obviously not a full blown pedophile; she just likes her meat with a little peach fuzz on it, if you know what I mean.

The twist in the story is that the young father of the child is now in a custody battle with Angela. He is trying to gain full custody and change the baby’s last name. Isn’t all this fighting bad for the infant? Babies shouldn’t be separated from their mothers, especially to be given to a 16 year old boy. After Angela is convicted of statutory rape, the baby should remain with its mother and have its own crib in the corner of her prison cell. Who ever said life is supposed to be fair?

Sounds like a Disney movie: Babies In Jail.

Oh, what a joyous day! Today is one of the only days when couples can spend money on each other and forget how shitty their relationships are. Right now, florists and jewelry stores are jam packed with irritated husbands and wannabe boyfriends. Little kids in elementary schools are exchanging Valentines amongst themselves; the kid in the back who eats his own boogers will not receive any Valentines this year. Teddy bears and cheap boxes of chocolates are selling like hotcakes. It makes me fucking sick.

What if you hate your “significant” other? You shouldn’t feel obligated to shower them in gifts and pretend that you really don’t wish they would just die so you can avoid the awkwardness of a harsh break-up. Here are some of my ideas to let that special someone know that they really aren’t all that special anymore. I will write this appropriately from a heterosexual male’s point of view:

1) Make a card for her, but spell her name wrong on the envelope. On the inside of the card, spell her name in big letters and give a description of her using words that begin with each letter in her name. For example:

Finish it off with “I fucking hate your guts,” and sign your name with a <3 at the end.

2) Buy her a large teddy bear, but pull off the head and take out some of the stuffing. Shit inside the body of the bear for an entire week and then sew the head back on. Make an ironic joke when you give her the bear like, “I know it’s a shitty gift, but I love you.” Break up with her when she realizes what you have done.

3) Take her to dinner and but tell her that your car is in the shop and she needs to drive. Conveniently forget your wallet also, but don’t tell her until the end of dinner. Order plenty of drinks and make sure that she gets too drunk to legally drive. Right before you leave, go to the restroom and call the police. Report that there is a drunk woman that just left the restaurant and she is swerving all over the road. Make sure to give them her car model and license plate number. Plant a bag of weed and some ecstasy pills in her purse to make sure that she’ll be in jail for a long time. It also wouldn’t hurt to silently mouth the words “HELP ME!” to the officer when she gets pulled over. Break up with her while she’s locked up.

4) Tell one of your best friends that you think your girlfriend is a psychopath and you’re afraid that she’s trying to kill you. Poison your own food/drink during dinner and plant evidence of it all over her apartment, car, and in her purse. Frame her for your death.

So there you have it. Nothing feels better than ice-cold revenge served up with a shit sandwich on the side. Instead of trying to please others this holiday, please yourself for once. Let me know if any of these ideas work for you. I may just feature you in a future offbeat news article!