Paris Hilton’s 18 year old brother, Barron was arrested yesterday for a DUI. Alcohol analysis of his breath showed that he blew almost double the legal limit. It’s been less than a year since Paris went to prison for her felony DUI charge(s).

Jesus, for a kid with a few million in the bank, you’d think he could afford some Noxema and a decent fucking haircut.

Let’s hope he doesn’t follow further in his sisters footsteps and start acting and recording shitty music.

Remember this little guy?

No? Surely you guys know who Gary Coleman is. He was on the television show Diff’rent Strokes from 1978-1986. Are you guys really that young? Ugh, anyway.

Due to a deadly kidney-eating disease which halted his growth at 4′6″ – just inches above my nutsack – Gary has been short his entire life. As a kid, I used to wonder how a child could act so well. I didn’t find out he was actually just a midget until many many years after watching Diff’rent Strokes. Needless to say, I kind of felt cheated out of all those laughs.

I guess one of the biggest downfalls of being a midget is that it’s gotta be nearly impossible to get laid. Well, Gary’s 40 year streak with abstinence has come to an end. He recently admitted that he secretly married normal-height actress Shannon Price, 22, in August 2007. Shannon is 18 years younger than Gary. I thought to myself, “What would a 22 year old actress want with a 40 year old has-been?” And then I found their wedding photo.

At first, I thought this picture was taken at a petting zoo; Gary in a nice suit, and a red-haired Shetland pony in a wedding dress. It looks like her gums were replaced with ten pieces of watermelon Bubbleyum.

Either way, I’m happy for Gary. They got married on a mountain top with only 5 or so people attending. I haven’t been able to find any reports that he saddled up and rode his wife back down the mountain to her stable, but reports suggest that Gary’s family bought the couple a giant bale of hay for a wedding gift. Shannon Price is known for her breakthrough role in the movie Seabiscuit, where she played… that’s right, Seabiscuit.

Native people all over the world have been getting fucked over ever since the first white man set out to colonize the world. Actually, it goes back much further, but I just like to blame the white devils for everything.

In a display of great compassion, Australia parliament has issued a public apology to it’s Native people, known as Aborigines. For some ridiculous reason, this made it on the front page of Google News. The apology comes after roughly 300 years of mistreatment the Aborigines. Is someone not sleeping so well at night?

Insert your own perverted caption.

Look how awesome the Aborigines are. I wouldn’t even know about them if it wasn’t for the movie Crocodile Dundee.

“That’s not a knoyfe. This is a knoyfe.”

It was through this movie that I learned to respect their culture. I also developed a great case of jealously about the fact that a 60 year old Aborigine will undoubtedly have more muscle tone and better hair than I will ever have.

Not fair.

Back to the point though… an apology? You see, Australia feels bad that Aborigines didn’t have equal rights until 1967. Now, a very large percentage of these people suffer from poor health, poverty, and countless others are in prison. Even more recently than the Native Americans, Aborigine children were taken from their homes and forced to live with white families.

Australia: “Hey, Aborigines?”
Abs: “Uh, what the fuck do you want?”
Australia: “Well… we’re sorry about the way you have all been treated. We just wanted to tell you.
Abs: “So, you finally realized that all humans deserve to be equal? You do realize that it’s 2008, right?”
Australia: “Yeah, sorry. We fucked up. It was wrong.”
Abs: “Do we get any kind of reparations for this?”
Australia: “We were kind of just hoping that an apology would set things right between us. No hard feelings?”
Abs: “Go fuck yourselves.”
Australia: “Sorry it has to be this way. Let the record show that we, the Australians, apologized to those primitives. Put it on Google News!“

Australia, I once wanted to visit you. Now I just want to take a giant shit on your country. You apologize after stepping on someone’s foot, not stealing their children and destroying their culture. This is exactly what I would expect from a country whose main immigrant population is descended from thieves and criminals.

If you haven’t seen the movie Jaws, then you’re probably still unafraid to go into the ocean. I saw that movie when I was a little kid and it scared me so bad, that I couldn’t even take a bath. Sitting on the toilet was scary for me too. What if Jaws was in the Michigan sewer systems?

“I’m ascared to go doodie!”

Lucky for us, Police Chief Martin Brody was there to make sure that all the babies on the beach were safe… except for a few annoying ones. He gleefully tossed them into the mouths of the giant sharks when nobody was looking.

I really couldn’t resist.

We are no longer safe from Jaws. Roy Scheider (not to be confused with Rob Schneider) died yesterday; he was 75 years old. Roy played Martin Brody’s character in Jaws and also starred in over 60 other films that I’ve never seen. He never won an Oscar, but he did develop a wicked case of blood cancer which, apparently, is a lot more dangerous than sharks.

I tried to think of some nice things to say about Roy, but honestly, I never felt very close to him. Oh well, here goes:

1) Roy was a Scorpio. I am also a Scorpio.

C) Roy was in a movie called “All That Jazz.” My favorite porno was called “All That Azz.” I also like “Freaky Midget Fuckfest Five.”

OK, so there we have it. I know, none of those things were nice exactly… and I ended up talking about myself after every fact. I guess I should be a little less arrogant. Psh, yeah right.

RIP Roy Scheider – Jaws has been waiting in Heaven for you since 1975. Your battle has only just begun.

Have you ever had a knock on your door, only to peek outside to see a Jehova’s Witness standing outside, eager to preach whatever the fuck it is that they believe in? You slowly slink away from the door hoping that they didn’t see you, meanwhile you’re wishing something terrible would happen to those damn religious solicitors. Jose Mestre is a fine example of when religious dedication trumps common sense.

“I am hombre elefante!”

This isn’t just another religious rant. This story is actually ironic.

This is 51 year old Jose Mestre. Over the years, Jose’s face has come to resemble Britney Spears’ pussy. Because he has been a very dedicated Jehovah’s Witness all his life, his belief in God has turn him into monster that looks like an alien species from Star Trek and I’m not talking about one of those hot blue sluts that Captain Kirk used to bone.

“Listen up! Give me all the moisturizer you have on the Enterprise.”

See, the Jehovah’s Witness “religion” has strict rules against receiving blood transfusions. According to Jehovah, “the life of the flesh is the blood (Bullshit 3:16).” Mestre continuously refused blood transfusions since the first small, bloody tumor appeared on this lip when he was a teen.

Mmm… look at those DSL’s. I just got a rise in my levis.

The church of Jehova is totally denying medical explanation in Jose’s case. They claim that the growths on his face is not a blood tumor, but rather the result of an unholy union between Quasimodo and Jabba the Hut.

After so many years of looking like a freak and being unable to find work or love, Jose is ready to forsake his God and receive treatment. British doctors may have a treatment, and if successful, it would remove the tumor and possibly restore his face in a single 12 hour operation!

Jose is nicknamed “The Man With No Face,” but I hardly find that appropriate. He should be called “The Man With Sick Fucking Lumps All Over His Face.” I wish him luck.