In almost every school, except maybe in Arkansas, there is always that one nerd that is ridiculously smarter than their peers. This person is easily noticeable by their significantly large head, prescription coke-bottle glasses, and terrible fashion sense.

“I better study hard – a B+ is not an option.”

These stereotypical nerds usually end up being accepted into an ivy league school and either grow up to be very rich, or they blow away an entire lecture hall one day after years of repressed memories of being picked on by classmates.

That always seemed to be a good reason to pick on someone, you know, for being smarter than me. “Hey smart kid. Why you gotta be so fucking smart? You fucked up the grading curve on my last exam and I’m going to kick your ass for it.” Seems rational enough.

Let’s follow the life of Sufiah Yusof, who was only 13 when she was accepted into Oxford University. She is still the youngest person ever accepted in the history of Oxford. That was over 10 years ago.

It turns out that Sufiah actually ran away from home when she was about 15 years old, taken in by a foster family, and nobody had really heard much about her since. In 2004, she married the most handsome law student I’ve ever seen in my life:

13 months after her marriage, she divorced the studly attorney and kind of disappeared again until recently. Hmm… I wonder what she’s doing nowadays. She’s still got booksmarts but she’s not a scientist like her mother, and she’s not molesting teenage girls like her father was recently caught doing. Surely a girl that smart is making a decent living for herself, right?

BAM! Feast your boners on this. Sufiah has been discovered to be selling her vagina out of her apartment in England under the alias Shilpa Lee. For a mere £130-an-hour, you can get your fill of donkey punches and strawberry shortcakes (cum on a girl’s face and then punch her in the nose). I know where my next paycheck is going.

This is great because I always figured that if I was going to fuck a prostitute, she’d have to be good looking and smart, which is not an easy combo to find in a hooker. I look forward to talking about quantum physics and macroeconomics while I’m giving her an Abe Lincoln (cum on a girl’s face, rip out some of her pubes, and sprinkle them on chin).

“Four whores and seven beers ago…”

Many years ago, when I was just a small child who knew nothing about good music, I remember hearing a song on the radio that instantly caused me to shit in my diaper. The song was “Sunday Bloody Sunday” by U2.

I can’t exactly pinpoint what it was about their music that made my sphincter let loose, but if you can imagine a dying whale moaning over some riffs that sounded like a retard slapping his dick on a guitar, then you get the idea.

“Dunday, broody Dundayyyy.”

The Irish band just signed a twelve year deal with Live Nation, meaning that Live Nation will be handling all of their merchandising and digital rights for the next dozen years. Twelve more years of U2 – oh joy.

U2 is a lot like having warts on your dick: No matter how bad you wish they would just go away, you can still shit in one hand and wish in the other and then see which one fills up first.

It’s just a figure of speech though – please don’t actually shit in your hand to see if it’s true.

It’s a child molester’s dream come true. He walks into a titty bar, folds a dollar bill, and sticks it between the asscrack of a girl that he is oddly attracted to. What could it be about this girl that drives him wild? When her hair is wet, from behind, she looks like a 10 year old boy. That’s because she’s only 12. Double bonus!

The Diamonds Cabaret strip club in Dallas has been successful in avoiding being shut down by the city for allegations of letting a 12 year old runaway dance there for a period of two weeks last year. A 17 year old was also caught dancing there in January.

You may ask yourself how an establishment like that can be shut down for prostitution and underage drinking, but not for letting a pre-teen dance nude. A lieutenant for the Dallas Police explains, “There’s a laundry list of things we can use to deny or revoke a license, but having a 12 year old dancing in their establishment is not one of the things that automatically enables us to revoke their license.”

You gotta love state laws and their loopholes. If a strip club can’t be shut down for letting a child dance nude, then they should start letting other children visit as customers. Serve them a non-alcoholic drink like a Shirley Temple, sit them up in the VIP room and let them have their fill of good ol’ fashioned debauchery.

“Mmm… put a little more tongue in there baby. I ain’t gonna bite.”

I guess they just thought her backpack and Scooby Doo lunchbox were all part of her gimmick.

Ladies, have you ever woken up one morning and felt something terribly wrong with your mental health? You can’t quite pinpoint it, but you feel like the source of your stress and anxiety is possibly the fact that you don’t have a penis. Then you come to the realization that you’ve wanted to be a man your whole life. You want to burp, fart, drink beer, scratch your balls (and then your face), and harass women. Who wouldn’t want to be a part of that culture?

Thousands of women have surgically altered their gender and ended up getting married to “straight” women who don’t seem to mind their lover’s situation; It’s what’s inside that counts my friend – it’s not the peel, it’s the banana.

“I am so obviously a woman.”

If your name is Tracy Lagondino, then you’d end up getting gender reassignment and changing your name to Thomas Beatie. Then you’d marry a woman and spend the rest of your life looking exactly how a stereotypical butch lesbian looks, except with surgically removed breasts and some facial hair that grows in patchy due to testosterone treatments.

Thomas recently shocked the world after writing an article for the gay magazine The Advocate, telling about how she, err… he is pregnant with a baby girl and due to give birth in July.

“It’s perfectly natural.”

Apparently, when you have gender reassignment surgery, you still have the option to keep your reproductive organs. Thomas chose to keep his internal lady parts, and after his wife had a hysterectomy, he decided to be artificially inseminated and carry the child for her.

I remember seeing a movie with Arnold Shwarzenegger called “Junior,” where he gets pregnant and carries the baby all the way until birth. Luckily, it was a C-section – I don’t think anyone could handle seeing a newborn ripping its way through those muscular buttcheeks.

“Get to da choppa! It’s not a tumor, it’s a baby.”

Thomas’ neighbors have voiced their disbelief about the pregnancy. One neighbor said, “I couldn’t say that he looks pregnant. I can stick my stomach out and almost make it look like that.”

Hmm… he has a point. Could this all be a farce? I’ve done some investigation and found some strong evidence that men can indeed look pregnant without being so. This man appears to be pregnant with triplets, but would you be surprised to know that he’s actually just been sitting around and drinking beer for 30 years?

“This ain’t no beer gut. It’s the gas tank to a love machine.”

Either way, I think it’s a beautiful thing when a woman gets her breasts removed, her clitoris enlarged with hormones, facial and body hair growing free and wild, and someone else’s frozen sperm injected into her… mangina. Sadly, my request for an invitation to the baby shower was declined.

I don’t really get a chance to report on environmental issues very often, so I’m excited to bring you the latest news of the impending doom of our planet.

“Fuck we’re all dead!”

Environmentalists are worried about a gigantic chunk of an ice shelf that recently broke apart in Antarctica. The 160-square-mile piece of ice belonged to the Wilkins ice shelf in the fastest warming part of the continent.

I know a lot of you are thinking “I don’t live in Anarctica, so why should I care?” Well, you should care – where do you think you get your ice cubes from? The freezer? Oh OK, nevermind then. I guess it doesn’t matter.

No but seriously, there’s probably a whole bunch of penguins that got fucked by this.

This ice shelf was already floating, so if and when it melts, the ocean levels will not rise. You’re safe this time New Orleans. But other land-based glaciers are breaking apart at frightening rates and will definitely cause a massive climate shift if global warming continues.

You guys, I’m scared. I think we really need to do the following things to ensure that the production of greenhouse gases declines and global warming ceases:

1) Walk everywhere instead of driving.
2) Stop heating your house in the winter.
3) Stop cooling your house in the summer.
4) Plant trees and plants all over the fucking place.
5) Don’t breathe anymore – your body exhales CO2, which is a greenhouse gas.
6) Kill every cow in the world – cows expel methane, which is worse than CO2.

So, everyone except me should start doing all those things right now.