In almost every school, except maybe in Arkansas, there is always that one nerd that is ridiculously smarter than their peers. This person is easily noticeable by their significantly large head, prescription coke-bottle glasses, and terrible fashion sense.”I better study hard - a B+ is not an option.”These stereotypical nerds usually end up being accepted into an ivy league school and either grow up to be very rich, or they blow away an entire lecture hall one day after years of repressed memories of being picked on by classmates.That always seemed to be a good reason to pick on someone, you know, for being smarter than me. “Hey smart kid. Why you gotta be so fucking smart? You fucked up the grading curve on my last exam and I’m going to kick your ass for it.” Seems rational enough.Let’s follow the life of Sufiah Yusof, who was only 13 when she was accepted into Oxford University. She is still the youngest person ever accepted in the history of Oxford. That was over 10 years ago.It turns out that Sufiah actually ran away from home when she was about 15 years old, taken in by a foster family, and nobody had really heard much about her since. In 2004, she married the most handsome law student I’ve ever seen in my life:13 months after her marriage, she divorced the studly attorney and kind of disappeared again until recently. Hmm… I wonder what she’s doing nowadays. She’s still got booksmarts but she’s not a scientist like her mother, and she’s not molesting teenage girls like her father was recently caught doing. Surely a girl that smart is making a decent living for herself, right?BAM! Feast your boners on this. Sufiah has been discovered to be selling her vagina out of her apartment in England under the alias Shilpa Lee. For a mere

Many years ago, when I was just a small child who knew nothing about good music, I remember hearing a song on the radio that instantly caused me to shit in my diaper. The song was “Sunday Bloody Sunday” by U2.I can’t exactly pinpoint what it was about their music that made my sphincter let loose, but if you can imagine a dying whale moaning over some riffs that sounded like a retard slapping his dick on a guitar, then you get the idea.”Dunday, broody Dundayyyy.”The Irish band just signed a twelve year deal with Live Nation, meaning that Live Nation will be handling all of their merchandising and digital rights for the next dozen years. Twelve more years of U2 - oh joy.U2 is a lot like having warts on your dick: No matter how bad you wish they would just go away, you can still shit in one hand and wish in the other and then see which one fills up first.It’s just a figure of speech though - please don’t actually shit in your hand to see if it’s true.

It’s a child molester’s dream come true. He walks into a titty bar, folds a dollar bill, and sticks it between the asscrack of a girl that he is oddly attracted to. What could it be about this girl that drives him wild? When her hair is wet, from behind, she looks like a 10 year old boy. That’s because she’s only 12. Double bonus!The Diamonds Cabaret strip club in Dallas has been successful in avoiding being shut down by the city for allegations of letting a 12 year old runaway dance there for a period of two weeks last year. A 17 year old was also caught dancing there in January.You may ask yourself how an establishment like that can be shut down for prostitution and underage drinking, but not for letting a pre-teen dance nude. A lieutenant for the Dallas Police explains, “There’s a laundry list of things we can use to deny or revoke a license, but having a 12 year old dancing in their establishment is not one of the things that automatically enables us to revoke their license.”You gotta love state laws and their loopholes. If a strip club can’t be shut down for letting a child dance nude, then they should start letting other children visit as customers. Serve them a non-alcoholic drink like a Shirley Temple, sit them up in the VIP room and let them have their fill of good ol’ fashioned debauchery.”Mmm… put a little more tongue in there baby. I ain’t gonna bite.”I guess they just thought her backpack and Scooby Doo lunchbox were all part of her gimmick.

Ladies, have you ever woken up one morning and felt something terribly wrong with your mental health? You can’t quite pinpoint it, but you feel like the source of your stress and anxiety is possibly the fact that you don’t have a penis. Then you come to the realization that you’ve wanted to be a man your whole life. You want to burp, fart, drink beer, scratch your balls (and then your face), and harass women. Who wouldn’t want to be a part of that culture?Thousands of women have surgically altered their gender and ended up getting married to “straight” women who don’t seem to mind their lover’s situation; It’s what’s inside that counts my friend - it’s not the peel, it’s the banana.”I am so obviously a woman.”If your name is Tracy Lagondino, then you’d end up getting gender reassignment and changing your name to Thomas Beatie. Then you’d marry a woman and spend the rest of your life looking exactly how a stereotypical butch lesbian looks, except with surgically removed breasts and some facial hair that grows in patchy due to testosterone treatments.Thomas recently shocked the world after writing an article for the gay magazine The Advocate, telling about how she, err… he is pregnant with a baby girl and due to give birth in July.”It’s perfectly natural.”Apparently, when you have gender reassignment surgery, you still have the option to keep your reproductive organs. Thomas chose to keep his internal lady parts, and after his wife had a hysterectomy, he decided to be artificially inseminated and carry the child for her.I remember seeing a movie with Arnold Shwarzenegger called “Junior,” where he gets pregnant and carries the baby all the way until birth. Luckily, it was a C-section - I don’t think anyone could handle seeing a newborn ripping its way through those muscular buttcheeks.”Get to da choppa! It’s not a tumor, it’s a baby.”Thomas’ neighbors have voiced their disbelief about the pregnancy. One neighbor said, “I couldn

I don’t really get a chance to report on environmental issues very often, so I’m excited to bring you the latest news of the impending doom of our planet.”Fuck we’re all dead!”Environmentalists are worried about a gigantic chunk of an ice shelf that recently broke apart in Antarctica. The 160-square-mile piece of ice belonged to the Wilkins ice shelf in the fastest warming part of the continent.I know a lot of you are thinking “I don’t live in Anarctica, so why should I care?” Well, you should care - where do you think you get your ice cubes from? The freezer? Oh OK, nevermind then. I guess it doesn’t matter.No but seriously, there’s probably a whole bunch of penguins that got fucked by this.This ice shelf was already floating, so if and when it melts, the ocean levels will not rise. You’re safe this time New Orleans. But other land-based glaciers are breaking apart at frightening rates and will definitely cause a massive climate shift if global warming continues.You guys, I’m scared. I think we really need to do the following things to ensure that the production of greenhouse gases declines and global warming ceases:1) Walk everywhere instead of driving.2) Stop heating your house in the winter.3) Stop cooling your house in the summer.4) Plant trees and plants all over the fucking place.5) Don’t breathe anymore - your body exhales CO2, which is a greenhouse gas.6) Kill every cow in the world - cows expel methane, which is worse than CO2.So, everyone except me should start doing all those things right now.

I know it’s only the end of March, but if I had a handful of random awards for the year, I’d give every one of the negative awards to Jamie Lynn Spears. An example of a negative award would be like “Stupidest Bitch Alive,” “Most Likely to Fail at Life,” and “The Person I’d Most Like to Punch in the Face.”Also, I’m sick of typing out Jamie Lynn Spears, so she will now be referred to as JLS - as in Just Like Sister or Jamie Loves Sperm.I hate writing about this family of monumental disastrous fuck-ups, but I have a few pet peeves and JLS has somehow managed to violate them all. Her newest mistake - engagement. She’s sixteen.They almost look old enough to have pubes.All of the quotes about the engagement from family members and friends have been very supportive of JLS and her fiance Dickhead Wonderfuck, I mean Casey Aldridge. So I guess I’m the only one that thinks it’s fucked up that she already made the mistake of not having an abortion and now she’s getting married? Oh Jesus Christ… somebody tell me I’m not the only person alive with any common sense.And now for a brief sidecarsally.com interview with JLS:SCS: Jamie, do you think that you’re responsible enough to have a child? You’re only sixteen.JLS: Yeah, but I’ll probably be like… seventeen when I have it. I think. I don’t know.

I love my grandma more than anything. She’s the cutest old lady ever and I always looked forward to visiting her in the mental institution and changing her diapers. Just kidding, she’s like the perfect grandma and I love her very much.Some kids aren’t so lucky though - they have evil, senile grandmas that seem hellbent on pushing their grumpy old-fashioned beliefs into every facet of a child’s life. It’s grandmas like this that helped facilitate the creation of the term “wrinkly old bitch.”"I want you home and in bed before the sun goes down. And no playing that Nintendo thing!”Five children from Florida must’ve had one of those grandmas because they tried to explode her this week. Yeah, they tried to explode her. Police are still trying to figure out which child (or children) is responsible for putting two aerosol cans in the oven at their grandmas house, which exploded and badly burned their grandma and the kitchen. So much for that 1950’s milkshake machine - awwww!”Woo, I think I’m havin’ a hot flash. Better go change my knickers.”All five children are being forced to attend Broward County’s Juvenile Firesetter Prevention and Intervention program. The program is aimed at teaching juveniles about the dangers of fire and explosives. Umm… do you think there’s the possibility that the kids already knew about the dangers of fire and that’s why they put aerosol cans in the oven in the first place?A recipe for fun, every time!

It seems like every day I see a news story about something terrible - or creepy - happening on airplanes. If passengers aren’t dying or getting jerked off on, then pilots are accidentally discharging their firearms. I need to book a flight to visit my parents sometime soon and my list of possible airlines to choose from is decreasing every week.US Airways is next to be crossed off the list after a pilot’s handgun discharged in the cockpit this weekend while in midair. Wait, pilots have guns now? Apparently, since September 11th, pilots are allowed to take a handgun training course and be certified to carry a gun on their plane. The guns must be fitted with a trigger lock which cannot be removed until the pilot is in the cockpit with the door closed. This is obviously not a foolproof idea.”Evwyone fasten your seatbewts.”Apparently this is not just a clearcut case of idiocy - the FBI is actually going to be involved to figure out what happened. A spokesman for the Transportation Security Administration said, “There will be lots of facets of this investigation to determine the cause. They’re going to interview everyone that was involved, everyone that was aware of it.”Umm… here, let me save you guys a lot of time and money. This is the scenario:1) Pilot grows up as a mediocre student with no common sense and is a very clumsy person. He barely passes flight school.2) Pilot takes handgun training after 9/11 - he barely passes that.3) Pilot, on plane to co-pilot: “Hey check out my new piece dude. Don’t worry, it’s got a lock on - BANG!”4) Giant FBI investigation ensues.I don’t know how I feel about pilots having guns on the plane, but I do know that the dipshit responsible for letting his discharge should be fired fo sho. Luckily nobody was hurt in the incident, except for the plane.Then again, this could just be a defense tactic to warn terrorists: “Hey guys, our pilots have guns that they almost know how to use. You better watch out!”

Mexico is now officially the 2nd fattest country in the world - the fattest being the United States, obviously.Experts say that increased marketing and production of soda drinks and fast food has caused Mexicans to eat less healthy. Geez, you can be an expert at anything these days and make painfully apparent conclusions.Upwards around 60-70% of people in Mexico are now considered overweight. Although Mexico may be trying to oust us from our fatty throne of Oreos and Pepsi, they can never match us in sheer disgusting fat fuckness. Let me show you:This is your average fat Mexican:”Aye aye aye! I think I’m getting a cerveza belly.”Compare this to your average fat American:”I’ll fucking eat you alive!”Better luck in 2009, vendejos!

About 2,000 years ago from Sunday, some Jewish dude named Jesus supposedly arose from the dead three days after some assholes crucified him for believing in a bunch of ridiculous bullshit instead of believing in their even more ridiculous bullshit.Wow, let’s all celebrate that.Easter should be about eating candy until you get diabetes and then passing out from a sugar coma while having intense hallucinogenic nightmares about a giant bunny raping you and leaving a steamy chocolate-peanut butter dump on your pillow.I try not to take part in celebrating any religious holiday, so yesterday I ate Chinese food. It was great to come back to work today and read about six crazy fuckers that disrupted a Catholic Mass yesterday in Chicago - for the sake of peace. Oh, I guess it’s OK then.The group of six (3 men and 3 women), calling themselves “Catholic Schoolgirls Against the War,” stood up in the middle of Mass and started screaming something about peace and the war in Iraq. To get attention from the church-goers, the group splattered fake blood on themselves and other parishioners until police arrived and arrested them.Among the men protesters, Napoleon Dynamite and Kanye West were apparently present. The women were a few hotties of mixed nationalities. The girl in the left appears to have a terrible meth addiction while the middle girl obviously lets a raging alcoholic cut her hair.”I wanna protest about the war, gosh!”I gawk at the lack of intelligence of these protesters. They were extremely disorganized. Let’s start by highlighting their plans from start to finish:1) Name your group “Catholic Schoolgirls Against the War” even though 50% of you are men.2) Target a room full of peaceful bible thumpers to listen to your complaints about a pointless war that gets less media attention than Britney Spears’ newest STD.3) Spray fake blood all over yourself and others as a symbol of… something.4) Get arrested and charged with felony battery and other misdemeanors.5) Read about yourself on sidecarsally and feel congratulated for being a fucking idiot.