I’m always making fun of other states and the people who live there. Idaho people are boring, Oregon is all assholes, and Kentucky is a bunch of chicken fucking hillbilly bastards.

That said, I’m not above making fun of my own homeland, Michigan. Michigan has just as many dumbshits inhabiting its lands as anywhere else, except maybe Ohio. I’m very open about my hatred for Ohio. You’d hate it too if you had to drive through the entire state on your way to Florida.

That said, today’s story is brief and showcases one of Michigan’s bright thinkers.

On Monday, a Flint, Michigan man was seriously injured when he blew off his hand with a large explosive firework. The 28 year old man was attempting to blow up his house after receiving an eviction notice from his landlord. He set a mortar on the stove and lit the fuse, but changed his mind and tried to throw the explosive out his door at the last second.

It’s also important to mention that his 1 year old daughter was inside the house at the time. Nobody knows yet why he thought a single firework could blow up his house, but I really wish we could go back in time and have a marching band standing in his backyard playing “Star Spangled Banner” when his hand blew apart.

Here’s a list of the most common activities that this man will now have to get used to performing with his other hand:

1) Using the television remote.
2) Picking his nose.
3) Scratching his balls.

I feel mostly sympathetic about the fact that he has to get used to beating off with his other hand now. The left hand feels totally different. When I injured my right hand in a dirt bike accident, it took me like 3 weeks to get used to Lucy Lefthand.