I have an announcement to make: Would the owner of the 3 inch long pube stuck to the bathroom urinal please shave your crotch? Seriously, I went to take a leak earlier and there it was, coiled around the pink scented urinal cake – as long as my middle finger. I can imagine his groin looks like a tiny flesh-colored mushroom peaking its head out of thick underbrush. I’ll bet his balls have a goatee. That kind of thing is enough to terrify small children.

Moving on… let’s talk about some molestation, shall we?

A new report by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has shown a positive change in the number of reported sexual abuses by clergy for the third year in a row. Last year, only 691 cases of sexual abuse were reported in America. This is down from 714 reports in 2006 – way to keep it in your pants fellas!

This is supposed to be good news I guess. To me, it means that 691 kids were still molested by clergy. Ideally, I would say that the number should be closer to… umm… zero? Although reports of abuse have declined, the dollar amount in settlements for victims has increased by about 90% – to $526 million – in the same time period.

Let’s get this straight – the number of abuses has decreased , but the money used to settle those cases has almost doubled? These numbers have been published, but I’m having a hard time finding an explanation for them. Let’s ask someone in charge, who is skilled in analytical thinking and making tough decisions: “Mr. Bush, why have the number of Roman Catholic abuses gone down while the victim settlements have nearly doubled?”

Ugh, nevermind.

It’s no use even trying to figure this shit out. Clergymen will always end up going nuts due to their decision to remain celibate. Denying your testicles the natural urge to shoot a load at the nearest woman is like keeping your dog locked up in the back yard forever – sooner or later, that dog is going to dig a hole under the fence and molest the neighborhood children.

Next time you go to church, please think about where your money is going before you donate it to those bastards. $526 million dollars was paid out last year to keep the mouths of parents and their traumatized children shut. How much have you pitched in to keep these crimes covered up?