All you Kansas readers may have heard about this by now because it’s probably one of the more bizarre stories I’ve heard in awhile. Even more bizarre than this octopus:

A man from Ness City, Kansas called the sheriff’s office two weeks ago to report that there was “something wrong” with his girlfriend. She had apparently refused to move from the toilet for a long time – like two years.

When medical personnel arrived, the woman claimed that she was fine despite having the toilet seat actually growing to her ass. She was not glued or bonded to the seat in any way other than by her own skin. Responders used a crowbar to detach the seat from the toilet and it was eventually removed from her ass in the hospital.

“I finally got all the poop out, and I don’t even have a butthole to wipe anymore. Score!”

This is obviously not a case of constipation gone awry. Police are investigating the situation and whether or not the boyfriend mistreated his toilet queen. According to the boyfriend, he brought her food and water every day and tried to coax her off the toilet, but she just kept saying “maybe tomorrow.” Her legs appeared withered and weak and she seemed very distressed at the time of her rescue, but she refused to admit that anything was wrong and never blamed her boyfriend for anything.

That’s some serious love right there. I don’t know about you, but if I had a girlfriend that wouldn’t leave the toilet for two years, when she finally did come out of the bathroom, there’d be a different family living in the house and I’d be long gone. According to the news report, authorities said they did not know if she was mentally or physically disabled. Hmm… a woman refuses to get off the toilet for two years and you don’t know if she’s mentally disabled? I guess this sort of thing happens all the time.