Wal-Mart is an evil corporation. Aside from running thousands of small businesses out of countless towns across America, now they’re selling penis-shaped silly straws to little kids.

Andrea Bailey, a mother from Kentucky (pronounced KIN-TUCK-EE), noticed something oddly sexual about her 3 year old daughter drinking a juice box. Was it the “Bustin’ Blowin’ Berries All In Yo Mouth” flavor of the juice? No, it couldn’t be – this was bringing back painful memories and a feeling of deja vu for the mother. It was the penis-shaped straw that her daughter little Ashlynn was sucking on. Pedophiles from miles away must have been lining up to peep through the kitchen window.

Fearing a public outrage, Wal-Mart pulled the dick straws from the shelves pending further investigation. I can see how a mother of a little girl would be shocked to turn around and see her daughter – penis straw in mouth – growing up to be just like mommy. Far too often, mothers don’t have time to bond with their daughters. Sooner or later, the little 3 year old is going to have to have the sex talk with mommy anyway – why not start now?

I actually think all straws should be shaped like penises so that girls can enter womanhood with years of oral sex practice under their belts. Of course there’s other tricks to learn like spitting on it and slapping it against your face, but there is plenty of time to practice.

Either way, people just need to stop complaining about things like this. With the lack of creativity in our society, it’s only a matter of time before everything is shaped like dicks.