I don’t really get a chance to report on environmental issues very often, so I’m excited to bring you the latest news of the impending doom of our planet.

“Fuck we’re all dead!”

Environmentalists are worried about a gigantic chunk of an ice shelf that recently broke apart in Antarctica. The 160-square-mile piece of ice belonged to the Wilkins ice shelf in the fastest warming part of the continent.

I know a lot of you are thinking “I don’t live in Anarctica, so why should I care?” Well, you should care – where do you think you get your ice cubes from? The freezer? Oh OK, nevermind then. I guess it doesn’t matter.

No but seriously, there’s probably a whole bunch of penguins that got fucked by this.

This ice shelf was already floating, so if and when it melts, the ocean levels will not rise. You’re safe this time New Orleans. But other land-based glaciers are breaking apart at frightening rates and will definitely cause a massive climate shift if global warming continues.

You guys, I’m scared. I think we really need to do the following things to ensure that the production of greenhouse gases declines and global warming ceases:

1) Walk everywhere instead of driving.
2) Stop heating your house in the winter.
3) Stop cooling your house in the summer.
4) Plant trees and plants all over the fucking place.
5) Don’t breathe anymore – your body exhales CO2, which is a greenhouse gas.
6) Kill every cow in the world – cows expel methane, which is worse than CO2.

So, everyone except me should start doing all those things right now.