Good ol’ Tennessee. I reckon y’all down there prolly heard about this story.Local pastor Rev. Liston Richardson, 76, died this week in a most bizarre way - death by goat. It seems that while trying to wrestle with a family goat and get it into a pen, he became tangled up in its leash and fell to the ground. When his wife found him some time later, he was lifeless on the ground with the leash wrapped around his body. What’s the first thing everybody thought? The goat did it!You vicious fucking murderer.The goat apparently tried to attack the pastor’s wife when she approached it and later tried to attack medical personnel. So they killed it.It was only after the little goat’s untimely demise that investigators deemed the reverend’s death was not goat-related at all - he had a heart attack. You goat murdering bastards.I know what really happened. In Tennessee, a common practice known as “goat fucking” takes place very often. Richardson, a long time goat fucker, had spent years of his life preaching the word of God, only to return home for a long night of farm animal debauchery. The goat, unable to take another night of bestiality, fought back in a valiant effort until the Rev’s ticker gave out.A local amateur wildlife photographer managed to snap this photo of the Rev’s estranged son.Although a goat has never killed a human being before and probably never will, I think we’ve all learned a lesson from this: You mess with the goat and you get the horns.I can totally understand how they could have mistaken this animal for a malicious beast.Good job Tennesee! Rest in peace little goat.

For those of you who don’t know her, Heather Mills is Paul McCartney’s most recent ex-wife. If you don’t know Paul McCartney, he’s one of the two remaining Beatles alive - and shame on you for not knowing that.For the record - and I’m sure many people will be disgusted by this statement - I hate the Beatles. I don’t even have a particular reason for this besides the fact that when I listen to their music, I feel like my ears just got fucked by a baby elephant.2girls1elephantA few years back, I remember reading about Paul McCartney throwing a private party for his birthday and charging people for drinks. No open bar, at a Beatle’s party? It only seemed natural that McCartney would end up marrying one of the greediest women alive - Heather Mills.The newly-divorced couple reached a settlement yesterday and Mills was awarded $48.6 million of her husband’s fortune. That’s about $34,000 for each day that she was married to McCartney. This is no doubt a kick in the vagina to Mills, who was originally asking for $250 million. The judge’s response to that: “LOL, no.”Heather Mills, who the fuck do you think you are?This bitch is intense.After the settlement, the presiding judge voiced his opinion of Mills, basically calling her a greedy, lying psycho bitch. She more or less exaggerated every aspect of her life to justify her reason for needing so much of her husband’s money. At one point, she claimed to need $1.25 million a year “to give to charities, but admitted she would be using $985,000 of that amount for traveling to appearances via helicopters and private jets.” U2 should write a song about her.To be honest, I kind of feel bad for her. Now she’s going to have to wipe her ass with regular toilet paper instead of silk and $100 bills. Poor Heather.

Some people are lucky to have an awesome grandma like mine; a kind, cute little old woman that wakes you up in the morning with a nice helping of corned beef gravy and biscuits. Mmmm, thanks Grandma Betty!I’m pretty sure this is just a cute little old homeless woman at a bus stop.Not all grandmas are caring old ladies though. Alzheimer’s and senility can get the best of some people and they just seem to get more evil with time - kind of like Helen Golay and Olga Rutterschmidt from Los Angeles, CA.Helen doesn’t look too bad for 77 years old - I’d hit it.These women had a great scam going until they were caught recently. Back in the late 1990s, they befriended a bum from the streets and provided him lodging and food for around 2 years. In the meanwhile, they were taking out several insurance policies on the man so they could eventually drug him one night and run him over with their car to collect the insurance money.The two women got away with it in 1999 and did the same thing in 2005. They were originally arrested in 2006 for mail fraud and false insurance claims, but were videotaped talking about their murder conspiracy while in FBI custody.This just breaks my heart because I love little old ladies. Grandmas should be at home making quilts or sewing Halloween costumes for their grandchildren, not mowing down homeless men in the street for insurance money.

It wasn’t too long ago that I wrote about American Airlines neglecting to aid a woman suffering from heart failure mid-flight. This week, American Airlines is being sued for something completely different that wasn’t even their fault. Get ready to be creeped out worse than if you woke up next to convicted sex felon Brian Peppers.According to a new lawsuit, filed by a 21 year old woman, American Airlines “failed to protect her” from a man who masturbated in the seat next to her. Wait, it gets better.The woman woke up from a nap and opened her eyes to see a strange man staring at her while furiously jacking off. She wisely turned towards the window in shock and embarrassment - that’s when she noticed that she had a giant load of semen blown all over the side of her head. It’s really hard for me to type right now because I can’t stop laughing.I don’t know why she is complaining; semen has been proven to contain vitamins that are very beneficial to the hair and skin, plus it makes a very effective styling product.Eventually, employees aboard the plane caught wind of the ordeal and notified airport police, who arrested the man when he stepped off the plane. The “victim” is now seeking $200,000 from the airline for punitive damages that she suffered. I say they should have just compensated her with a free flight voucher and a wet napkin to clean up with.”And here is a nice cup of water and a napkin to wipe that sperm off your face.”Although I’m sure it was a traumatizing experience, what exactly did she need protection from? If anything, she should feel complimented that a man found her attractive enough to just pull out his junk mid-flight and make romance explosions into her hair. You don’t even get that kind of treatment in first class. Either way, he’s in jail now and this may or may not be his mugshot:

Have you ever had to go to the bathroom so bad that would you literally whip it out and defecate all over the place, right in front of everybody? Sometimes I do that even if I don’t have to urgently use the restroom - I just enjoy relieving myself in public.Sometimes you just gotta go.A teacher in Florida is on paid vacation pending an investigation about a 13 year old student who was forced to urinate into his own lunchbox after being denied a trip to the bathroom. The teacher, Jameeka Chambers, reportedly told the boy that he could either wait until after class or go in his lunchbox.What kind of a fucking name is Jameeka?Did this kid actually piss in his lunchbox because he desperately had to go? I would imagine most students faced with that ultimatum would just sit quietly and wait until the end of class. I suppose the answer lies somewhere in the actual lunchbox - if it’s the same ol’ nasty salami sandwich like I used to get every day , it makes perfect sense to piss all over it as an excuse to buy hot lunch on pizza day.Personally, I would have stood on the teachers desk and given her a golden shower.

Before this past weekend, Robert Zuelsdorf was just your everyday creepy old man, like the one who probably lives next door to you. Now, he’s locked up and being charged with 160 counts of child pornography thanks to a tech geek who was hired to fix his computer.This guy likes child pornography? No way (sarcasm).The repairman allegedly found dozens of “disturbing” images on Zuelsdorf’s computer, to which Zuelsdorf would probably disagree with saying, “It depends on what you consider disturbing. I wasn’t disturbed by these pictures at all. In fact, I frequently masturbated to them.”My main question is how did the techie find the pictures in the first place? This is why you have to be more creative when naming your main porn folder. You have to call it something inconspicuous like “Senior Citizen Brunch 2008″ or “Golf Trip With Dad.” Nobody would be intrigued enough to open those folders.This is not how you hide porn from your mom.Unless Zuelsdorf had unwisely titled his kiddie porn folder, then what was the geek doing snooping around in Zuelsdorf’s personal files? I used to work at a computer repair store and I never rummaged through people’s personal files, especially after coming across a folder called “My Hot Girlfriend - Nude.” Nope… I would never look in that folder - ever. The thought would never even cross my mind to open up that folder and hope that there were some hot nudes in there.

Wal-Mart is an evil corporation. Aside from running thousands of small businesses out of countless towns across America, now they’re selling penis-shaped silly straws to little kids.Andrea Bailey, a mother from Kentucky (pronounced KIN-TUCK-EE), noticed something oddly sexual about her 3 year old daughter drinking a juice box. Was it the “Bustin’ Blowin’ Berries All In Yo Mouth” flavor of the juice? No, it couldn’t be - this was bringing back painful memories and a feeling of deja vu for the mother. It was the penis-shaped straw that her daughter little Ashlynn was sucking on. Pedophiles from miles away must have been lining up to peep through the kitchen window.Fearing a public outrage, Wal-Mart pulled the dick straws from the shelves pending further investigation. I can see how a mother of a little girl would be shocked to turn around and see her daughter - penis straw in mouth - growing up to be just like mommy. Far too often, mothers don’t have time to bond with their daughters. Sooner or later, the little 3 year old is going to have to have the sex talk with mommy anyway - why not start now?I actually think all straws should be shaped like penises so that girls can enter womanhood with years of oral sex practice under their belts. Of course there’s other tricks to learn like spitting on it and slapping it against your face, but there is plenty of time to practice.Either way, people just need to stop complaining about things like this. With the lack of creativity in our society, it’s only a matter of time before everything is shaped like dicks.

I came across a story about 23 year old kid Ian Ambrose, who was killed in a car accident on Monday. Although nothing is particularly funny about that story, I did get a great big ol’ hearty laugh at the picture of Ian that Pressdemo News used in the article about his death:If you aren’t familiar with the hand gesture that poor Ian is throwing up, it’s referred to as the “shocker.” The shocker is performed by opening the hand and straightening out all fingers except the ring finger. The idea is to insert the index and middle fingers into the hoo-hoo of a lady, while giving her a little surprise by sticking the pinky into the anus. Give the shocker at the exact moment when the woman is unsuspecting, resulting in this facial expression:The shocker is also most commonly referred as “two in the pink, one in the stink,” but can also be described in several other ways such as:Two in the goo, one in the poo.Two in the cooter, one in the pooter.Two on the clit, one in the shit.Sadly, the shocker does not work on men due to their lack of vagina, but the same result can be achieved by just sticking a finger up his ass without warning. I do not recommend that anyone try this to me - one time was enough. I still haven’t thanked her for that.The shocker is now universally accepted as one of the most popular tongue-in-cheek sexual jokes, and has even been seen displayed by our “president’s” daughters.Although it is entirely possible that she was just too fucking stupid to realize what she was doing.

All you Kansas readers may have heard about this by now because it’s probably one of the more bizarre stories I’ve heard in awhile. Even more bizarre than this octopus:A man from Ness City, Kansas called the sheriff’s office two weeks ago to report that there was “something wrong” with his girlfriend. She had apparently refused to move from the toilet for a long time - like two years.When medical personnel arrived, the woman claimed that she was fine despite having the toilet seat actually growing to her ass. She was not glued or bonded to the seat in any way other than by her own skin. Responders used a crowbar to detach the seat from the toilet and it was eventually removed from her ass in the hospital.”I finally got all the poop out, and I don’t even have a butthole to wipe anymore. Score!”This is obviously not a case of constipation gone awry. Police are investigating the situation and whether or not the boyfriend mistreated his toilet queen. According to the boyfriend, he brought her food and water every day and tried to coax her off the toilet, but she just kept saying “maybe tomorrow.” Her legs appeared withered and weak and she seemed very distressed at the time of her rescue, but she refused to admit that anything was wrong and never blamed her boyfriend for anything.That’s some serious love right there. I don’t know about you, but if I had a girlfriend that wouldn’t leave the toilet for two years, when she finally did come out of the bathroom, there’d be a different family living in the house and I’d be long gone. According to the news report, authorities said they did not know if she was mentally or physically disabled. Hmm… a woman refuses to get off the toilet for two years and you don’t know if she’s mentally disabled? I guess this sort of thing happens all the time.

If you haven’t heard by now, Eliot Spitzer (hehe), is resigning as Governor of New York after being called out on charges of fucking prostitutes. David Paterson is prepared to take over Eliot’s governorial duties - minus the hookers - as Eliot is supposed to resign today. For your information, I just made up the word “governorial,” so I’d like some credit if you ever plan on using it.I don’t understand how someone can “resign” from a position that they’re going to be fired from anyway. Is it a polite way of allowing the man to reserve some of his dignity? He’s been exposed to America as a dirty, bald pervert - I don’t think he has any dignity left. The investigation began after Spitzer’s bank notified the IRS of some fishy activity going on. This lead to the FBI getting involved, tapping phone conversations, and eventually uncovering the fact that Spitzer had been moving large sums of money around to cover up his filthy habit.Spitzer spent several years as an attorney general, prosecuting people for the same financial crimes that he’s probably going to get stuck with - smell that sweet irony. Let’s look up the word “hypocrite” in the dictionary:Why do I have the feeling that if we replaced every politician in our country with a person who is mentally retarded, there would be less corruption and more creative budget spending? I’m all for it.