I know it’s only the end of March, but if I had a handful of random awards for the year, I’d give every one of the negative awards to Jamie Lynn Spears. An example of a negative award would be like “Stupidest Bitch Alive,” “Most Likely to Fail at Life,” and “The Person I’d Most Like to Punch in the Face.”

Also, I’m sick of typing out Jamie Lynn Spears, so she will now be referred to as JLS – as in Just Like Sister or Jamie Loves Sperm.

I hate writing about this family of monumental disastrous fuck-ups, but I have a few pet peeves and JLS has somehow managed to violate them all. Her newest mistake – engagement. She’s sixteen.

They almost look old enough to have pubes.

All of the quotes about the engagement from family members and friends have been very supportive of JLS and her fiance Dickhead Wonderfuck, I mean Casey Aldridge. So I guess I’m the only one that thinks it’s fucked up that she already made the mistake of not having an abortion and now she’s getting married? Oh Jesus Christ… somebody tell me I’m not the only person alive with any common sense.

And now for a brief sidecarsally.com interview with JLS:

SCS: Jamie, do you think that you’re responsible enough to have a child? You’re only sixteen.

JLS: Yeah, but I’ll probably be like… seventeen when I have it. I think. I don’t know.

I love my grandma more than anything. She’s the cutest old lady ever and I always looked forward to visiting her in the mental institution and changing her diapers. Just kidding, she’s like the perfect grandma and I love her very much.

Some kids aren’t so lucky though – they have evil, senile grandmas that seem hellbent on pushing their grumpy old-fashioned beliefs into every facet of a child’s life. It’s grandmas like this that helped facilitate the creation of the term “wrinkly old bitch.”

“I want you home and in bed before the sun goes down. And no playing that Nintendo thing!”

Five children from Florida must’ve had one of those grandmas because they tried to explode her this week. Yeah, they tried to explode her. Police are still trying to figure out which child (or children) is responsible for putting two aerosol cans in the oven at their grandmas house, which exploded and badly burned their grandma and the kitchen. So much for that 1950’s milkshake machine – awwww!

“Woo, I think I’m havin’ a hot flash. Better go change my knickers.”

All five children are being forced to attend Broward County’s Juvenile Firesetter Prevention and Intervention program. The program is aimed at teaching juveniles about the dangers of fire and explosives. Umm… do you think there’s the possibility that the kids already knew about the dangers of fire and that’s why they put aerosol cans in the oven in the first place?

A recipe for fun, every time!

It seems like every day I see a news story about something terrible – or creepy – happening on airplanes. If passengers aren’t dying or getting jerked off on, then pilots are accidentally discharging their firearms. I need to book a flight to visit my parents sometime soon and my list of possible airlines to choose from is decreasing every week.

US Airways is next to be crossed off the list after a pilot’s handgun discharged in the cockpit this weekend while in midair. Wait, pilots have guns now? Apparently, since September 11th, pilots are allowed to take a handgun training course and be certified to carry a gun on their plane. The guns must be fitted with a trigger lock which cannot be removed until the pilot is in the cockpit with the door closed. This is obviously not a foolproof idea.

“Evwyone fasten your seatbewts.”

Apparently this is not just a clearcut case of idiocy – the FBI is actually going to be involved to figure out what happened. A spokesman for the Transportation Security Administration said, “There will be lots of facets of this investigation to determine the cause. They’re going to interview everyone that was involved, everyone that was aware of it.”

Umm… here, let me save you guys a lot of time and money. This is the scenario:

1) Pilot grows up as a mediocre student with no common sense and is a very clumsy person. He barely passes flight school.

2) Pilot takes handgun training after 9/11 – he barely passes that.

3) Pilot, on plane to co-pilot: “Hey check out my new piece dude. Don’t worry, it’s got a lock on – BANG!“

4) Giant FBI investigation ensues.

I don’t know how I feel about pilots having guns on the plane, but I do know that the dipshit responsible for letting his discharge should be fired fo sho. Luckily nobody was hurt in the incident, except for the plane.

Then again, this could just be a defense tactic to warn terrorists: “Hey guys, our pilots have guns that they almost know how to use. You better watch out!”

Mexico is now officially the 2nd fattest country in the world – the fattest being the United States, obviously.

Experts say that increased marketing and production of soda drinks and fast food has caused Mexicans to eat less healthy. Geez, you can be an expert at anything these days and make painfully apparent conclusions.

Upwards around 60-70% of people in Mexico are now considered overweight. Although Mexico may be trying to oust us from our fatty throne of Oreos and Pepsi, they can never match us in sheer disgusting fat fuckness. Let me show you:

This is your average fat Mexican:

“Aye aye aye! I think I’m getting a cerveza belly.”

Compare this to your average fat American:

“I’ll fucking eat you alive!”

Better luck in 2009, vendejos!

About 2,000 years ago from Sunday, some Jewish dude named Jesus supposedly arose from the dead three days after some assholes crucified him for believing in a bunch of ridiculous bullshit instead of believing in their even more ridiculous bullshit.

Wow, let’s all celebrate that.

Easter should be about eating candy until you get diabetes and then passing out from a sugar coma while having intense hallucinogenic nightmares about a giant bunny raping you and leaving a steamy chocolate-peanut butter dump on your pillow.

I try not to take part in celebrating any religious holiday, so yesterday I ate Chinese food. It was great to come back to work today and read about six crazy fuckers that disrupted a Catholic Mass yesterday in Chicago – for the sake of peace. Oh, I guess it’s OK then.

The group of six (3 men and 3 women), calling themselves “Catholic Schoolgirls Against the War,” stood up in the middle of Mass and started screaming something about peace and the war in Iraq. To get attention from the church-goers, the group splattered fake blood on themselves and other parishioners until police arrived and arrested them.

Among the men protesters, Napoleon Dynamite and Kanye West were apparently present. The women were a few hotties of mixed nationalities. The girl in the left appears to have a terrible meth addiction while the middle girl obviously lets a raging alcoholic cut her hair.

“I wanna protest about the war, gosh!”

I gawk at the lack of intelligence of these protesters. They were extremely disorganized. Let’s start by highlighting their plans from start to finish:

1) Name your group “Catholic Schoolgirls Against the War” even though 50% of you are men.

2) Target a room full of peaceful bible thumpers to listen to your complaints about a pointless war that gets less media attention than Britney Spears’ newest STD.

3) Spray fake blood all over yourself and others as a symbol of… something.

4) Get arrested and charged with felony battery and other misdemeanors.

5) Read about yourself on sidecarsally and feel congratulated for being a fucking idiot.