Good ol’ Tennessee. I reckon y’all down there prolly heard about this story.

Local pastor Rev. Liston Richardson, 76, died this week in a most bizarre way – death by goat. It seems that while trying to wrestle with a family goat and get it into a pen, he became tangled up in its leash and fell to the ground. When his wife found him some time later, he was lifeless on the ground with the leash wrapped around his body. What’s the first thing everybody thought? The goat did it!

You vicious fucking murderer.

The goat apparently tried to attack the pastor’s wife when she approached it and later tried to attack medical personnel. So they killed it.

It was only after the little goat’s untimely demise that investigators deemed the reverend’s death was not goat-related at all – he had a heart attack. You goat murdering bastards.

I know what really happened. In Tennessee, a common practice known as “goat fucking” takes place very often. Richardson, a long time goat fucker, had spent years of his life preaching the word of God, only to return home for a long night of farm animal debauchery. The goat, unable to take another night of bestiality, fought back in a valiant effort until the Rev’s ticker gave out.

A local amateur wildlife photographer managed to snap this photo of the Rev’s estranged son.

Although a goat has never killed a human being before and probably never will, I think we’ve all learned a lesson from this: You mess with the goat and you get the horns.

I can totally understand how they could have mistaken this animal for a malicious beast.

Good job Tennesee! Rest in peace little goat.

For those of you who don’t know her, Heather Mills is Paul McCartney’s most recent ex-wife. If you don’t know Paul McCartney, he’s one of the two remaining Beatles alive – and shame on you for not knowing that.

For the record – and I’m sure many people will be disgusted by this statement – I hate the Beatles. I don’t even have a particular reason for this besides the fact that when I listen to their music, I feel like my ears just got fucked by a baby elephant.

2girls1elephant

A few years back, I remember reading about Paul McCartney throwing a private party for his birthday and charging people for drinks. No open bar, at a Beatle’s party? It only seemed natural that McCartney would end up marrying one of the greediest women alive – Heather Mills.

The newly-divorced couple reached a settlement yesterday and Mills was awarded $48.6 million of her husband’s fortune. That’s about $34,000 for each day that she was married to McCartney. This is no doubt a kick in the vagina to Mills, who was originally asking for $250 million. The judge’s response to that: “LOL, no.”

Heather Mills, who the fuck do you think you are?

This bitch is intense.

After the settlement, the presiding judge voiced his opinion of Mills, basically calling her a greedy, lying psycho bitch. She more or less exaggerated every aspect of her life to justify her reason for needing so much of her husband’s money. At one point, she claimed to need $1.25 million a year “to give to charities, but admitted she would be using $985,000 of that amount for traveling to appearances via helicopters and private jets.” U2 should write a song about her.

To be honest, I kind of feel bad for her. Now she’s going to have to wipe her ass with regular toilet paper instead of silk and $100 bills. Poor Heather.

Some people are lucky to have an awesome grandma like mine; a kind, cute little old woman that wakes you up in the morning with a nice helping of corned beef gravy and biscuits. Mmmm, thanks Grandma Betty!

I’m pretty sure this is just a cute little old homeless woman at a bus stop.

Not all grandmas are caring old ladies though. Alzheimer’s and senility can get the best of some people and they just seem to get more evil with time – kind of like Helen Golay and Olga Rutterschmidt from Los Angeles, CA.

Helen doesn’t look too bad for 77 years old – I’d hit it.

These women had a great scam going until they were caught recently. Back in the late 1990s, they befriended a bum from the streets and provided him lodging and food for around 2 years. In the meanwhile, they were taking out several insurance policies on the man so they could eventually drug him one night and run him over with their car to collect the insurance money.

The two women got away with it in 1999 and did the same thing in 2005. They were originally arrested in 2006 for mail fraud and false insurance claims, but were videotaped talking about their murder conspiracy while in FBI custody.

This just breaks my heart because I love little old ladies. Grandmas should be at home making quilts or sewing Halloween costumes for their grandchildren, not mowing down homeless men in the street for insurance money.

It wasn’t too long ago that I wrote about American Airlines neglecting to aid a woman suffering from heart failure mid-flight. This week, American Airlines is being sued for something completely different that wasn’t even their fault. Get ready to be creeped out worse than if you woke up next to convicted sex felon Brian Peppers.

According to a new lawsuit, filed by a 21 year old woman, American Airlines “failed to protect her” from a man who masturbated in the seat next to her. Wait, it gets better.

The woman woke up from a nap and opened her eyes to see a strange man staring at her while furiously jacking off. She wisely turned towards the window in shock and embarrassment – that’s when she noticed that she had a giant load of semen blown all over the side of her head. It’s really hard for me to type right now because I can’t stop laughing.

I don’t know why she is complaining; semen has been proven to contain vitamins that are very beneficial to the hair and skin, plus it makes a very effective styling product.

Eventually, employees aboard the plane caught wind of the ordeal and notified airport police, who arrested the man when he stepped off the plane. The “victim” is now seeking $200,000 from the airline for punitive damages that she suffered. I say they should have just compensated her with a free flight voucher and a wet napkin to clean up with.

“And here is a nice cup of water and a napkin to wipe that sperm off your face.”

Although I’m sure it was a traumatizing experience, what exactly did she need protection from? If anything, she should feel complimented that a man found her attractive enough to just pull out his junk mid-flight and make romance explosions into her hair. You don’t even get that kind of treatment in first class.

Either way, he’s in jail now and this may or may not be his mugshot:

Have you ever had to go to the bathroom so bad that would you literally whip it out and defecate all over the place, right in front of everybody? Sometimes I do that even if I don’t have to urgently use the restroom – I just enjoy relieving myself in public.

Sometimes you just gotta go.

A teacher in Florida is on paid vacation pending an investigation about a 13 year old student who was forced to urinate into his own lunchbox after being denied a trip to the bathroom. The teacher, Jameeka Chambers, reportedly told the boy that he could either wait until after class or go in his lunchbox.

What kind of a fucking name is Jameeka?

Did this kid actually piss in his lunchbox because he desperately had to go? I would imagine most students faced with that ultimatum would just sit quietly and wait until the end of class. I suppose the answer lies somewhere in the actual lunchbox – if it’s the same ol’ nasty salami sandwich like I used to get every day , it makes perfect sense to piss all over it as an excuse to buy hot lunch on pizza day.

Personally, I would have stood on the teachers desk and given her a golden shower.