When I first read about Mary Fasnacht, 19, and how she was arrested for her home being too disgusting to live in, I was a little hesitant about including her story on SCS news. I thought, “Well shit, I don’t want to be a hypocrite because I’m a pretty messy person myself.” And then I saw some pictures of her home.
Oh, that’s not so bad. Let’s take a closer look:
OK, that’s pretty sick.
An officer was dispatched to the Florida (of course) home after someone complained that Mary’s one-year-old was being neglected in a filthy home. When the officer arrived, he had this to say:
“When I walked into the place, I immediately vomited. The vomit actually appeared to look better than whatever was growing on the carpet. Mary’s baby was in a crib filled with used hypodermic needles and tampons and was chewing on a used condom. I couldn’t tell if the condom was filled with baby spit or semen, but either way, I found the scene to be horrifying and slightly erotic at the same time.”
There may have been a little of my own paraphrasing of the officer’s actual words, but it’s a pretty close description of the place.
For the record, I’d like to point out that Mary’s last name Fasnacht kind of sounds like “fat snatch,” which is what she looks like.
“I’m the best mom ever!”
Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with her place. Everyone knows that the wonder drug penicillin comes from mold.
Her house was officially deemed a biohazard and she was taken to jail. Keep ‘em coming, Florida. I love writing about you guys.
The father of the drug LSD died this week at the tender young age of 102. Albert Hofmann discovered lysergic acid diethylamide-25 way back in 1938.
“I’m old as fuck!”
In 1943, Albert was working in a lab on some shit that none of us could possibly understand when a small amount of the drug was accidentally absorbed into his body through his finger. He soon found himself feeling odd. It was on this day that Albert technically became the first person known to actually take LSD. He described seeing wonderous visions and thoughts turning to colors for a few hours.
Twenty years later, all the hippies were doing LSD and the era of “free love” and crazy fucking songs like “Yellow Submarine” was ushered in. The government had to be dicks and ban it in 1966 though. Hoffman defended his drug against the government saying, “I created it for medication - if people abuse it, that’s not my fault.” He also disliked the idea of banning LSD because it’s non-addictive. However, some abusers of the drug have been known to suffer from permanent psychosis and acid flashbacks.
“Dude… man! Like… duuuuude. Wait, what?”
America is great - it’s filled with authority figures that like to say, “Sorry, this substance is illegal and you can’t experiment with it. It’s really bad for you anyway - we are protecting you.” Protecting us from who? Ourselves? Look, I’ve made it 24 years so far and have done some really stupid shit in my life, but I’m still alive and well. Albert Hofmann lived to be 102 and he used to experiment with one of the most powerful hallucinigenic drugs ever. We should all just say, “fuck the government” and take LSD tonight in honor of Albert - just make sure you think happy thoughts because a good trip can turn bad if you let those negative vibes creep up on you… and you don’t want that.
Classic example of a bad trip. Terrifying… unless you like old ladies, fire, and bodiless babies.
Take me out to the ball game. Take me out to the crowd. Buy my 7-year-old son some alcohol. I don’t care if he vomits at all.
Christopher Ratte, a professor at the University of Michigan, has just recently been allowed to return home after he was arrested for buying his child a Mike’s Hard Lemonade at a Tigers baseball game.
He went to buy a beer for himself and asked his 7-year-son if he wanted a lemonade because he noticed a “Mike’s Lemonade” sign at the snack bar. Apparently, he didn’t know that it was an alcoholic beverage.
Nine innings later, a security guard noticed the empty bottle in the little boy’s hand and asked Chris if he knew there was alcohol in it. The guard snatched up the bottle before Chris could explain and thus began the two month legal battle over his son.
“Goddammit, this is some good shit!”
The child was placed in foster care briefly, but was allowed to return home on the condition that his father move out of the house until the case was settled.
“It’s just the simple fact that I didn’t know this brand and didn’t suspect some of the lemonade sold in ballparks are alcoholic,” says Chris.
I can relate because I always thought the “Hard” in Mike’s Hard Lemonade meant that it tastes like shit and is hard to drink.
You get fired from your job at Planet Hollywood in Orlando, Florida. Do you:
A) Part ways with the company, glad because you didn’t really like the job anyway.
B) Get spiteful and go work at Hard Rock Cafe instead.
C) Tell your manager that there’s a bomb in your backpack and that you’re Satan and need to cleanse the earth.
If your name is Jason Davis, then you picked option C!
21-year-old Jason Davis was arrested last night and banned from Disney premises after making a bomb threat inside Planet Hollywood. He was recently fired from the restaurant and when he failed at getting his job back, he tossed his backpack on the ground and said, “I hope it is a bomb because this earth deserves to die today.”
First of all, he didn’t say there actually was a bomb in his bag - he said “I hope it is a bomb.” Either way, the cops evacuated the restaurant and detonated his bag. All that was inside were Jason’s personal belongings.
The reason why I like Jason is because he said, “I scared a lot of people but I think I did it for the better good. I think I’m the devil. I have a mindset as a devil but I mean I’m a good guy trying to make the world a better place.” (actual quote)
“I would’ve killed all those people, but I’d never hurt a puppy or kitten.”
He is the founder of Girls Gone Wild and responsible for the videos that I have spent countless hours wanking off to.
“Mommmm! Can you toss a hand towel in my room? Don’t look though.”
Joe was release from jail in March after serving an entire year on some bogus child abuse and prostitution charges. A few girls lied about their ages and pressed charges after appearing in a video, or something like that. If you’re one of those girls, fuck you.
Joe is going through another legal battle now. Remember Ashley Dupre, the prostitute that NY ex-governor Elliot Spitzer fucked? She is suing Joe for $10 million, claiming that he exploited her image and used her name to advertise GGW videos.
Here’s how the story goes:
Joe sees Dupre after the scandal and realizes that she’s smokin’ hot. He offers her $1 million to appear in a video and go on tour with him.
After looking through old footage, Joe happens to notice - coincidentally - he already had footage of Dupre from 2003. He changes his mind on the offer and decides to use the old clips and her celebrity status to sell more videos - much smarter than spending $1 million.
Dupre gets pissed and sues Joe, saying that she was only 17 in 2003, during the filming of the videos. Dupre claims that she “did not understand the magnitude of her actions, nor that her image and likeness would be displayed in videos and DVDs.”
You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. Francis has Dupre on tape signing release forms and providing ID. Also, when you’re on a private bus getting fingered by another girl in front of 15 cameramen and sound guys, it usually means you’re going to end up in a video.
Dupre, the entire country knows you’re a hooker. You get paid to fuck creepballs like Eliot Spitzer and now you’re trying to sue Joe Francis just because he has some videos of you acting like a whore before you started getting paid for it? Please, just die. Have sex with me first, though.
It’s been said that dolphins are more intelligent than humans - we just haven’t been able to decode their sonar messages which are probably saying, “give us more fish.”
Just like some humans can be mentally retarded, it appears that dolphins can also suffer from the same disease. On Saturday, Sharky the dolphin collided midair with another dolphin and was killed in front of hundreds of SeaWorld spectators.
“Ahhhh! Look away Timmy!”
Although experts would disagree with me, I would say that this is obviously a classic case of dolphins playing “chicken.” They get bored swimming around and doing tricks for a bunch of stupid little kids. Dolphins, like humans, feel the need to take risks. Dolphins have been known to hold their breath underwater much longer than they should, play Russian roulette, attack sharks, and even eat poisonous fish to induce the same effects as a mushroom trip.
It wasn’t Shamu that died though, so nobody really cared. I care though - I fucking love dolphins even more than unicorns.
The world is full of a lot of sickos. I’m probably one of the biggest ones, but at least I’m not as bad as Josef F. from Austria.
“Hello, I’m Josef. I’m a sick fuck and you’ll find out why.”
To friends and family, Josef appeared to be a normal 73-year-old man who lived with his wife and three abandoned grandchildren. Nobody knew that he had a secret dungeon under his house where he had been imprisoning his 42-year-old daughter for the last 24 years.
Not the actual dungeon - this kind is out-of-date.
In the beginning, Josef told his wife and police that their daughter ran away from home. Over the years, he raped his captive daughter and fathered six children by her. That would make them his grandchildren and children at the same time. Awesome!
He kept three of his kids locked up with their mother and the other three grew up with Josef and his wife and told that their mother abandoned them with letters stating that she couldn’t take care of them. His wife had no idea of the truth.
His secret was uncovered when the eldest child, locked up for all 19 years of her life, became seriously ill and fell into a coma. Josef decided to free the mother and the sick child and take them to the hospital. Of course, the beans got spilled and Josef was arrested on charges of incest and kidnapping.
Josef’s palace of incestuous love.
This reminds me of the movie The Goonies, where there was a deformed guy locked up in the basement. He befriended a chubby kid and helped save a group of friends from some violent criminals. In the end, he was a hero despite having a face like a potato with teeth. Fuck you if you’ve never seen The Goonies.
Actually, this story is more like a cross between the diary of Anne Frank, Goonies, and Deliverance (the incest part). This kind of crime is like something that would happen in Kentucky or West Virginia, but without all the banjos and moonshine.
Brazil’s Air Force stopped searching for a priest that disappeared on Sunday. The priest was trying to raise money to build a truckstop where truckers could sleep - and be taught the gospel.
“So I can sleep here for free, but I gotta hear about God? Fuck that.”
The priest decided to strap himself to 1,000 balloons and be carried away. His ultimate plan was to parachute from the balloons and have a bunch of people tell him how awesome he is.
He failed.
If anyone really wants to find this guy, they should start looking in the closets of every pre-teen boy in the city.
Picture this scenario: You’re in bed with your boyfriend, watching a pornographic movie. You happen to think that your boyfriend looks a lot like the male actor in the movie. You ask him, “Ummm, that kind of looks like you fucking Chesty McCunterson in the ass. Is it you?” He denies it, although you are certain it’s him. Do you:
A) Break up with him.
B) Get even more turned on and let him perform a rimjob.
c) Grab a knife and attack him.
Amanda Montoya, 20, was arrested in Albuquerque on Wednesday morning when her boyfriend called police to report her chasing him with a knife.
Amanda “Psychobitch” Montoya
According to the report, the couple was in bed at 10:30AM watching the porno when Amanda wigged out about her boyfriend resembling one of the actors. First of all, who the fuck watches porno at 10:30AM?
As far as I’m concerned, the victim deserved it. Amanda already had assault charges filed by the same boyfriend after she stabbed him in the face during an argument. You better believe that if I had a girlfriend that nuts, I would be in a witness protection program.
The victim fled the house with his girlfriend chasing after him and she was arrested when a deputy officer was flagged down by the fleeing man. Neighbors reportedly heard him screaming like a small child.
She was charged with aggravated assault, aggravated battery, and child abuse - she left her 8-month-old baby at home while chasing her boyfriend.
“Mommy will be right back, she’s just gotta go stab daddy in the face for being in a porno.”
Still no word on whether or not the victim was actually in a porno. As for Amanda Montoya, she is not related to Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride.
Just a quick update regarding Wesley Snipes’ court situation. He’s going to prison.
“I’m such a huge star that everyone has it out for me!”
Yesterday, a US federal judge sentenced Snipes to 3 years in prison for not filing tax returns from 1999 to 2004. He made a $5 million payment to the IRS yesterday, but it was only a fraction of the $20 million in back taxes and penalties that he owed.
Snipes’ attorney plans to appeal and believes that he was given the harshest sentence because of his celebrity status.
The judge says, “To think that I have anything against Mr. Snipes is just downright ridiculous. The fact that I vowed to jail that ‘talentless fuck’ after watching his last 5 movies had nothing to do with my decision to actually jail that talentless fuck.”
Look on the bright side: No more Wesley Snipes movies for at least 3 more years. Everyone’s a winner in this situation… well, except for Snipes. Hey, who wants tacos?!
