I’d like to give a nice pat on the ass to the inventor of the “Mosquito.”

“Ew, this guy has AIDS. Nasty.”

Not that kind of mosquito.

The Mosquito is a device designed to annoy the fuck out of children and teenagers. It emits an ultra-high frequency that is typically only audible to people under the age of 25. I’m not a fucking scientist, so don’t ask me how this shit works exactly, but here’s the breakdown:

1) You have a bunch of little bastards walking by your house every day after school. They throw Cheetos bags in your hedges and tease your dog. You develop a profound hatred for youngsters.

2) Purchase a Mosquito and next time the little fuckers walk past your house, they hear an annoying buzzing sound in their head like a mosquito buzzing in their ear, but worse. Imagine a nest of mosquitoes having crazy butt sex in your ear and then laying eggs inside your brain.

3) Annoying children alter their course on the way home, no longer causing you to wish kidnapping and murder were legal. Everybody wins!

Personally, I’d like to modify this to fit in my pocket so I can just walk around and make children scream without having to wear my evil clown costume.

This device is causing a lot of controversy in England. Big surprise there. People are saying that it’s not a good solution to deter troublesome kids: “Ohh, other kids can hear it too, even if they aren’t being mischievous.”

I guess they have a point. But at the same time, the voices of children are just as annoying as the Mosquito’s sound, so fuck em.