Kids are partaking in increasingly high-risk behavior at younger ages every day. They start out by smoking cigarettes when they are in first grade. By the second grade, kids are having sex with prostitutes and selling their parents’ prescription drugs on the playground.

“Hurry up man, we gotta get this weed plant to the jungle gym before recess is over!”

Apparently, third grade is where shit gets really fucked up. In Atlanta, up to nine kids (ages 8 and 9) were suspended from elementary school yesterday for plotting to destroy their teacher. A student tipped off administrators that a girl had brought a knife to school, so the police were called in to investigate.

The police eventually discovered that a group of kids in one class were conspiring to knock their teacher out with a paperweight, duct tape her to a chair, and stab her to death with a broken kitchen knife. Other children were assigned duties such as covering the windows beforehand and then cleaning up the mess afterwards. Common criminals don’t even plan with such detail.

What did this teacher do to be hated so much by her class? She scolded one of the students for standing on a chair in class. I know what you’re thinking: “She totally deserved it!”

“Tell me to get off this chair again. I dare you.”

The children are too young to be prosecuted for a crime under Georgia law, so all they got was suspension and possible expulsion. So now we have little 8 and 9 year old little murderous bastards staying at home plotting their next move. Fantastic.

This is why I’m always saying that I hate kids. They’re unpredictable. Sometimes I have nightmares that I wake up and there’s a group of kids gathered around me chanting nursery rhymes and spraying me with cat urine as they administer paper cuts between my toes.

If I don’t post any news tomorrow, it’s because they’ve already got me.