Legendary actor Charlton Heston died on Saturday at the age of ripe old age of 2,013 years old. He was actually 84, but due to Alzheimer’s disease, his memory took more unexpected shits than he did. The cause of death is unknown at this time and I still don’t understand why we even need to know the cause of death for a person that old.

A lot of Sidecarsally readers are probably too young to have ever even seen a Charlton Heston movie, unless you regularly stay up watching AMC on Tuesday night.

Since I probably know less than you do about Heston, I’ll give you a terribly inaccurate history lesson about him:

Charlton Heston played a priest in a movie. Rumor has it that he would don the holy garbs and have insane sex orgys in his trailer between takes.

“Slob on thy holy knob, bitches.”

Heston narrated a movie about the Bible. At the end of each day of recording, he would drive to the local Haitian market, pickup a live chicken, and then sacrifice it to Satan while praying for forgiveness for “selling out.” Also, his request to title the movie “Hey Hoes, It’s Bible Time With Heston” was denied.

“And on the fifth day, God created blunt wraps and the Sopranos.”

One of Charlton’s most infamous roles was when he played Moses in the movie “The Ten Commandments.” In the Director’s Cut, Heston has sex with a woman on her period and later exclaims to his friends, “I parted the Red Seas!” This wasn’t included on the DVD.

“Her vagina was thiiiiiiiiis big.”

President Bush awarded Heston the Presidential Medal of Freedom. This prestigious award is typically only given to people who do influential shit. Bush reportedly lost his virginity at a drive-in movie theatre during “The Ten Commandments,” so he had a soft spot for the actor.

“Charlton, I’m over here buddy. We need a fresh diaper over here!”

Heston was the president of the National Rifle Association since 1998. He was most famously known for giving pro-gun pep talks and finishing his speeches by announcing that the only way someone could take his guns would be from his “cold dead hands.”

I noticed that some days, he would show up sporting a wig that looked like he ripped it off John Kerry’s head.

“From my cold, dead hands.”

Some days he would forget to wear the wig and get really angry about it.

“From my fuckin’ cold, motherfuckin’ dead HANDS!”

Rest in peace Charlton Heston – not the most interesting person in the world, but an icon nonetheless. Now go tell everyone these facts and see if I get a citation on wikipedia.