When I was a kid, my mother gave me some advice that she said would apply in any situation in life. She said that as long as I followed these two rules, I’d grow up to be a normal guy.

Rule #1: Don’t stick your dick in that.

There are a lot of things that you can fit your dick into, but it’s highly advised not to. For instance, strange holes in the wall at a bar called “The Rainbow Club.” Chances are, you will not like what’s on the other side of that hole – it’s not a beautiful woman, or even human – I can tell you that.

Rule #2: Don’t become a mormon.

Mormons are the Christian equivalent of Scientologists – they’re fuckin’ weird. Enough said.

“Now, go and spread my word – but don’t fuck it up!”

I haven’t had very good luck with following the first rule. You see, years ago I had my penis magnetized and now my boner just points north all the time – this causes a lot of BRA’s, or “boner-related accidents.”

I have managed to remain free of Mormonism though, and it’s a good thing because I probably would have been arrested in the cluster-fuck of religious weirdness that got broken up this weekend in Texas.

Authorities have rescued over 400 children and about another 150 women from a Mormon polygamist ranch belonging to the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. An anonymous 16 year old girl called police from the ranch said that many of the women and children were being sexual abused.

Looks like the Neverland Ranch minus the ferris wheel, train, giraffes, and clowns.

Warren Jeffs, the sect’s leader, is being incarcerated on counts of rape, incest, and forcing underage girls into arranged marriages. I also noticed that he may very well be late-actor Roy Scheider’s twin brother:

Sheider from Jaws (left), Warren from prison (right).

Personally, the idea of polygamy doesn’t sound too bad. You get to marry as many people as you want? It’s like having your cake and fucking it too.

I think polygamy is the only way to save our future from the millions of cousin fuckers that keep pumping out babies faster than Wal-Mart can keep diapers in stock. My proposition is that we take 100 very handsome doctors and scientists and let them each impregnate 10,000 really hot women. In 50 years, our country’s IQ will have been collectively raised and everyone will look better, but probably have really shitty personalities.

I forgot to mention that although I am not a doctor or a scientist, I should be one of the 100 guys included in this polygamy thing. It was my idea anyway.