I’m very upset right now.

It seems that every time I have something good going for me, some asshole has to step in the way and ruin it. I recently discovered the joys of “baby lawn darts.” It’s when you take a newborn by one of its legs and toss it way up in the air. When airborn, a baby will slowly turn head-first towards the ground on the descent and then land with a satisfying thud.

Thanks to a Scottish mother of three, babies will be safe from this fun new game – as long as they’re wearing a Thudguard helmet.

According to the DTI, at least 500,000 head injuries to infants are reported every year. People like me are responsible for a large portion of these injuries. It’s fun to play it off as an accident too: Try waiting on the roof of a building for a mother to walk by with her baby in a stroller. Time it just right and drop a brick from the roof into the stroller and wait for the thud. Oops! Must be that faulty construction and high winds.

Now imagine hearing the thud and then looking down to see the baby laughing and wearing a Thudguard helmet. Bullshit!

So, if you’re an overprotective parent, you might want to pick one of these up for your infant. Just have fun explaining to everyone that your child is indeed not retarded – the helmet just makes him look like it.

Thudguards look great in family photos too!

At least we can still pray for neck injuries.