This morning I woke up and heard a strange sound. It sounded like 3 billion men all over the world crying in unison. I got to work and noticed every man in my office weeping quietly to himself as if his mother just died.

Nobody would tell me what was wrong, so I decided to check Fox News to see if there was an explanation. When the home page loaded and I read one of the headlines, I felt the tears making their way to my eyes. In an attempt to crawl out of her pornstar image, Jenna Jameson has removed her breast implants.

OK, so I’m exaggerating a little bit about my sadness. I like porn, but I never was a huge fan of Jenna. In fact, normal porn is kind of lame to me. I never understood the idea of jacking off while watching another dude with a giant wang pounding the shit out of a girl with an asshole the size of France.

One minute, you’re watching a pretty girl playing with herself and you get in the groove of stroking it. At the best part, there’s a knock on her door and the “cable guy” comes in to “check her box.” The story takes a terrible turn and then you realize that he was actually referring to her vagina.

Maybe my thought process is fucked, but that kind of porn is just not for me. I prefer a little lesbo action, or maybe a sensual nature video like this one. Don’t watch that nature video at work.

Back to Jenna Jameson:

“I am definitely on the road to having kids in the next few years; I think these days it is widely accepted to have been in the porn industry or to have danced, so that won’t affect my children,” says Jenna about having kids.

That’s the most naive shit I’ve ever heard in my life.

Stripping is one thing, but when you’re one of the most famous pornstars in the world, it’s a little different. I think her children will start getting bullied around age 10 when little Timmy Jameson opens up his locker to find pictures of his mom plastered all over the inside of it. Cum shots, anal shots, lesbian scenes, poop mustaches and butt juices dripping off her face. Yeah… that won’t affect her children at all.

“A picture of my mom being fisted. Reaaal funny guys.”

Apparently, Jenna is very happy with her flat chest and new lifestyle. Everyone else, not so much. Jenna Jameson removing her implants makes about as much sense as a marathon runner removing his legs. I’ll bet her tits look like two deflated airbags now.