A miracle happened in India two days ago. A child so special was born that villagers are stopping by the parents’ residence and offering donations and prayers in exchange for blessings that probably won’t come true. They call the baby a goddess reincarnated. Her name is Lali.

I’m so happy that the people of India have been blessed by this amazing baby. I’ll bet it’s just the cutest thing ever.

Am I drunk, or does this thing have two fucking faces? The answer: both.

Now that I’ve vomited all over the keyboard, let’s talk about why India is stupid.

Religion

Only a peaceful religion like Hinduism can make everything seem like a blessing.

Got explosive diarrhea? Oh, that’s just Vishnu blessing by expelling your demons in your pants.

Hemorrhoids? Krishna is blessing you with motivation, so you don’t feel the desire to sit on your ass all day – it will burn terribly otherwise.

Born with two faces? I can’t even come up with a justification for how that can be a blessing.

Krishna says, “The next time I’m incarnated, I’m comin’ back as a freakbaby with two fuckin’ faces.”

Just for added dramatization, here’s the video of little Lali:

If this baby was born in the US, this kid would have it rough. She’d be an outcast until she was exploited when some sick fuck gets the idea, “Hmmm… two mouths on one girl? Jackpot!” The next 2girls1cup knockoff is born.

As far as I’m concerned, the only miracle in this story is that the baby and its family haven’t been pelted to death with rocks.