High-fives have been a way for people to bond and express excitement since the 1940’s when civil rights activist Adolf Hitler stood up in front of millions of Germans and showed them how it was done.

The high-five has seldom gotten anyone in trouble. Occasionally, two drunk people would perform an uncoordinated high-five and slap each other in the face, but these incidents are rare.

Comedian Aries Spears (Mad TV) plead guilty this week to harassment after he high-fived a woman’s breast during a comedy routine. Although he escaped a sexual assault charge and avoided jail time, the judge warned Aires not to be slappin’ any more titties for at least 12 months.

Aries Spears as Dollar Bill Montgomery

I’m very aware of sexual harassment and do not condone it – under most circumstances. I learned at a young age that it is acceptable to harass a woman as long as you’re charming about it. If you’re an unattractive and creepy guy, you should avoid bodily contact at all costs. If you absolutely have to give someone a high-five, stick to the basic form.

If you’re someone like me – a handsome, distinguished man with a majestic beard and extremely large penis – then high-fives can be replaced with a sensual shoulder massage followed by a sensitive compliment like, “Carla, I would eat a mile of your shit just to lick your asshole. Would you be interested in a glass of wine and maybe a little anal?”

Confidence is key.

For added bonus, here’s Aries Spears doing an amazing impersonation of LL Cool J, DMX, and Jay-Z.