It’s been said that dolphins are more intelligent than humans – we just haven’t been able to decode their sonar messages which are probably saying, “give us more fish.”

Just like some humans can be mentally retarded, it appears that dolphins can also suffer from the same disease. On Saturday, Sharky the dolphin collided midair with another dolphin and was killed in front of hundreds of SeaWorld spectators.

“Ahhhh! Look away Timmy!”

Although experts would disagree with me, I would say that this is obviously a classic case of dolphins playing “chicken.” They get bored swimming around and doing tricks for a bunch of stupid little kids. Dolphins, like humans, feel the need to take risks. Dolphins have been known to hold their breath underwater much longer than they should, play Russian roulette, attack sharks, and even eat poisonous fish to induce the same effects as a mushroom trip.

It wasn’t Shamu that died though, so nobody really cared. I care though – I fucking love dolphins even more than unicorns.

The world is full of a lot of sickos. I’m probably one of the biggest ones, but at least I’m not as bad as Josef F. from Austria.

“Hello, I’m Josef. I’m a sick fuck and you’ll find out why.”

To friends and family, Josef appeared to be a normal 73-year-old man who lived with his wife and three abandoned grandchildren. Nobody knew that he had a secret dungeon under his house where he had been imprisoning his 42-year-old daughter for the last 24 years.

Not the actual dungeon – this kind is out-of-date.

In the beginning, Josef told his wife and police that their daughter ran away from home. Over the years, he raped his captive daughter and fathered six children by her. That would make them his grandchildren and children at the same time. Awesome!

He kept three of his kids locked up with their mother and the other three grew up with Josef and his wife and told that their mother abandoned them with letters stating that she couldn’t take care of them. His wife had no idea of the truth.

His secret was uncovered when the eldest child, locked up for all 19 years of her life, became seriously ill and fell into a coma. Josef decided to free the mother and the sick child and take them to the hospital. Of course, the beans got spilled and Josef was arrested on charges of incest and kidnapping.

Josef’s palace of incestuous love.

This reminds me of the movie The Goonies, where there was a deformed guy locked up in the basement. He befriended a chubby kid and helped save a group of friends from some violent criminals. In the end, he was a hero despite having a face like a potato with teeth. Fuck you if you’ve never seen The Goonies.

Actually, this story is more like a cross between the diary of Anne Frank, Goonies, and Deliverance (the incest part). This kind of crime is like something that would happen in Kentucky or West Virginia, but without all the banjos and moonshine.

OK, I’m going to try to make a post in 3 minutes.

Brazil’s Air Force stopped searching for a priest that disappeared on Sunday. The priest was trying to raise money to build a truckstop where truckers could sleep – and be taught the gospel.

“So I can sleep here for free, but I gotta hear about God? Fuck that.”

The priest decided to strap himself to 1,000 balloons and be carried away. His ultimate plan was to parachute from the balloons and have a bunch of people tell him how awesome he is.

He failed.

If anyone really wants to find this guy, they should start looking in the closets of every pre-teen boy in the city.

Picture this scenario: You’re in bed with your boyfriend, watching a pornographic movie. You happen to think that your boyfriend looks a lot like the male actor in the movie. You ask him, “Ummm, that kind of looks like you fucking Chesty McCunterson in the ass. Is it you?” He denies it, although you are certain it’s him. Do you:

A) Break up with him.

B) Get even more turned on and let him perform a rimjob.

c) Grab a knife and attack him.

Amanda Montoya, 20, was arrested in Albuquerque on Wednesday morning when her boyfriend called police to report her chasing him with a knife.

Amanda “Psychobitch” Montoya

According to the report, the couple was in bed at 10:30AM watching the porno when Amanda wigged out about her boyfriend resembling one of the actors. First of all, who the fuck watches porno at 10:30AM?

As far as I’m concerned, the victim deserved it. Amanda already had assault charges filed by the same boyfriend after she stabbed him in the face during an argument. You better believe that if I had a girlfriend that nuts, I would be in a witness protection program.

The victim fled the house with his girlfriend chasing after him and she was arrested when a deputy officer was flagged down by the fleeing man. Neighbors reportedly heard him screaming like a small child.

She was charged with aggravated assault, aggravated battery, and child abuse – she left her 8-month-old baby at home while chasing her boyfriend.

“Mommy will be right back, she’s just gotta go stab daddy in the face for being in a porno.”

Still no word on whether or not the victim was actually in a porno. As for Amanda Montoya, she is not related to Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride.

Just a quick update regarding Wesley Snipes’ court situation. He’s going to prison.

“I’m such a huge star that everyone has it out for me!”

Yesterday, a US federal judge sentenced Snipes to 3 years in prison for not filing tax returns from 1999 to 2004. He made a $5 million payment to the IRS yesterday, but it was only a fraction of the $20 million in back taxes and penalties that he owed.

Snipes’ attorney plans to appeal and believes that he was given the harshest sentence because of his celebrity status.

The judge says, “To think that I have anything against Mr. Snipes is just downright ridiculous. The fact that I vowed to jail that ‘talentless fuck’ after watching his last 5 movies had nothing to do with my decision to actually jail that talentless fuck.”

Look on the bright side: No more Wesley Snipes movies for at least 3 more years. Everyone’s a winner in this situation… well, except for Snipes. Hey, who wants tacos?!