Have you ever looked at a company’s logo and found something oddly inappropriate or sexual about it?
Maybe not that obvious, but something more subtle that can be misinterpreted with a little creative imagining. Well, the Office of Government Commerce is in the process of redesigning their logo after people started noticing something odd about it.
I don’t really know what the Office of Government Commerce’s purpose is, but Wikipedia says, “the purpose of the OGC is to support the procurement and acquisition process of public sector organizations in the UK through policy and process guidance and the negotiation of overarching service and provision frameworks.”
Probably best not to think too hard about that.
The OGC’s original logo looked like this:
Pretty boring. Now, feast your eyes on the new design that cost them about $30,000 to come up with.
Notice anything odd about it? Here, let’s turn it on its side:
Oh my, it looks like a little man grabbing is erection.
The OGC had already plastered this logo all over mouse pads and pens before people in the company immediately took notice. There is a life lesson to be learned in all this… I just don’t know what it is exactly, but it has something to do with penises.
Fun times in New York yesterday. Maureen Lovetro, 18, was at an event watching first-bitches Laura and Jenna Bush speak about a children’s book, when a man started shouting insults at the Bushes’s’s’sses from the crowd.
For the record, I don’t know how to pluralize the Bush family’s name. Also, note the similarities between the last name Lovetro and the erectile dysfunction medication Levitra.
Moving on…
The shouter, 22-year-old German Talis, was angry about Iraq. Since he’s obviously a fucking moron and didn’t realize that screaming at Jenna Bush about Iraq is completely pointless, Maureen’s father told him to shut up.
Instead of moving on with his life, Talis approached Maureen (who is wheelchair-bound with cerebral palsy) and started punching her between the shoulders. Everyone reading this, don’t punch someone in a wheelchair - at least pull them out of the wheelchair first so they can’t lean forward and punch you in the crotch.
David Spade in his next role. Oops, that’s Maureen Lovetro.
Maureen’s dad pushed the wheelchair out of the way, but Talis reached past him and started hitting Maureen on the leg. Finally, Talis gave up on her and was fighting her father when police arrived and arrested him for assault.
I read a bunch of posts online from people who are outraged by Talis’s’ssses attack on Maureen. Some people are saying, “keep an eye out for this guy and kill him if you ever see him!”
Seriously guys, come on. You’re no better than Talis. The man is obviously mentally retarded and here’s why:
1) He yells at the president’s wife and daughter about war issues as if they had anything to do with it.
2) He attacks a girl in a wheelchair when her father tells him to shut up.
3) He punches her not in the face, but in the shoulders and leg. This goes against all instinctual rules of fighting.
So, if anyone sees Talis on the streets, don’t kill him for fucks sake. Just throw rocks at him and call him a tard like they did in Forrest Gump.
A lot of recent concerns have been raised on the topic of physically disciplining your kids. Is it ever truly OK to hit your children? I don’t see anything wrong with a little “tough love.” I got my ass kicked as a kid and I turned out alright… I guess.
Here’s a list of offenses that I believe warrant physical punishment:
Talking.
Breathing.
Looking at me funny.
Now that we have that cleared up, let’s talk about Alonzo Burke from Jacksonville, Florida. He was arrested last week after getting into a physical altercation with his 16 and 18-year-old daughters. The story goes like this:
Alonzo was driving his daughters to school when he asked his daughters to say a prayer. They refused.
While driving, he started pushing and hitting his oldest daughter. At some point she thought, “this is retarded,” and started hitting him back.
He pulled into a grocery store parking lot and the two girls fled the car. He grabbed the eldest again, but was attacked from behind by the 16-year-old.
Fighting with his two daughters in the parking lot, Alonzo bit the youngest and swung a backpack at the oldest.
Cops show up and arrest him for domestic battery.
The irony of beating your kids for not praying speaks for itself. The only way this makes any sense is if he was asking them to pray to Satan. I can totally imagine a Satan worshiper beating their kids for not embracing the Dark Lord. I know I would!
Animals are violent creatures. It’s a well-known fact that most animals - including kittens and puppies - hate humans. Every time you hear a bird chirp, it’s saying, “I’m going to fly into your room at night and peck you in the fuckin’ balls.”
That said, Rocky the grizzly bear just killed his trainer yesterday. Rocky is a 5 1/2-year-old grizzly that appeared in the newest Will Farrell movie Semi-Pro. Stephan Miller, Rocky’s trainer, was playing with the bear when it grabbed him by the throat and bit down.
The bear was subdued with pepper spray, but it was too late for Stephen. The other trainers at the facility were shocked by the attack because Rocky was known to follow commands very well and Stephen didn’t give Rocky the “chomp down on my neck and kill me” command.
Rocky the bear - he’s a maneater.
Randy Miller, the victim’s brother, has been working with animals for over 25 years and claims that his facility had a perfect safety record until this attack. A worker at a wildlife rescue zoo near Rocky’s facility said, “It’s still a wild animal. Even though it may appear that the bear attacked for no reason, there was a reason. I’m sure Randy understands why it happened. They’re not cold-blooded killers.”
Randy says, “I have no fucking clue why the bear attacked. There was no reason. He’s a cold-blooded killer.”
You can catch Rocky in the next Will Farrell movie - he will most likely be dead and playing the part of “Polar Bear rug.”
I’ve been waiting for someone in Kentucky to make the Sidecarsally news for awhile now.
The last story I did on a Kentuckian was about Andrea Bailey, who flipped out when she saw her daughter sipping on a penis-shaped straw that she bought at Wal-Mart.
That story didn’t capture the true essence of stereotypical Kentucky. This one does:
Joshua Moore was approached by police on Sunday in Louisville, Kentucky for… *drum roll*… pumping gas into an imaginary car.
Police approached him at the pump standing next to his imaginary 1993 Neon, smelled marijuana, and then searched him. They found two big baggies of weed, a bag of ecstasy pills, and a large wad of money. He was arrested on drug trafficking charges.
I’d seriously like to get my hands on whatever Joshua was smoking because judging from the look on his face in his mugshot, he had absolutely no recollection of the events leading to his arrest.
High-fives have been a way for people to bond and express excitement since the 1940’s when civil rights activist Adolf Hitler stood up in front of millions of Germans and showed them how it was done.
The high-five has seldom gotten anyone in trouble. Occasionally, two drunk people would perform an uncoordinated high-five and slap each other in the face, but these incidents are rare.
Comedian Aries Spears (Mad TV) plead guilty this week to harassment after he high-fived a woman’s breast during a comedy routine. Although he escaped a sexual assault charge and avoided jail time, the judge warned Aires not to be slappin’ any more titties for at least 12 months.
Aries Spears as Dollar Bill Montgomery
I’m very aware of sexual harassment and do not condone it - under most circumstances. I learned at a young age that it is acceptable to harass a woman as long as you’re charming about it. If you’re an unattractive and creepy guy, you should avoid bodily contact at all costs. If you absolutely have to give someone a high-five, stick to the basic form.
If you’re someone like me - a handsome, distinguished man with a majestic beard and extremely large penis - then high-fives can be replaced with a sensual shoulder massage followed by a sensitive compliment like, “Carla, I would eat a mile of your shit just to lick your asshole. Would you be interested in a glass of wine and maybe a little anal?”
Confidence is key.
For added bonus, here’s Aries Spears doing an amazing impersonation of LL Cool J, DMX, and Jay-Z.
Pretend for a second that you’re a bright 18-year-old high school student, nearly at the top of his class. You’ve never had a history of violence and never been in trouble. However, you’re greatly bothered by the fact that other guys in your school drive nice cars and have hot girlfriends.
Do you A) succeed in life, become rich and get your own supermodel girlfriend or B) plot a suicide bombing on your school?
Personally I would choose option B because I’m lazy and it’s just easier to blow shit up.
I’m actually kidding, but Ryan Schallenberger from South Carolina wasn’t when he ordered 10 pounds of ammonium nitrate via FedEx and had it shipped to his house. When the chemicals arrived, his parents called the police and Ryan was promptly arrested.
If you can’t grow a decent mustache, don’t grow one at all.
Ammonium Nitrate is what was used to explode the Federal Building in Oklahoma back in 1995. In Ryan’s room, police discovered a year-old journal detailing his plans for a suicide bombing. Ryan also had maps of the school and an audio tape that described his reason for wanting to commit a suicide bombing. The reason: He “hated life, especially rich kids with good-looking girlfriends.”
Oh, boo-fucking-hoo. Besides rich people, who doesn’t hate their life? I hate my life and it’s not even that bad. You know what I do when I’m mad at the world? I get drunk, listen to some Morrissey, and cut myself. God, some people are so emo.
Honestly though, if you had read this story and not seen his mugshot first, you’d think Ryan looked more like this:
Welcome back and “Happy Monday!” Did everyone have a good weekend? I know Chicago didn’t since they had an unusually violent weekend, complete with over 30 shootings and a couple of stabbings to throw in there for fun.
Chicago: It almost appears peaceful from the outside, except for that menacing tower.
I always pictured Chicago as kind of a gangster’s paradise with old school thugs like Al Capone and John Dillinger and hot cabaret dancers like… Renee Zellweger.
I guess it’s more like Grand Theft Auto.
At least 31 people were shot in robberies, drive-by shootings, and gang-related disputes.
Chicago, please stop killing people - that’s Detroit’s job. You guys are the windy city. Shit, just last week a baby in a stroller got blown into Lake Michigan and it was underwater for fifteen minutes in 42 degree water before being rescued. I don’t know how it survived, but it did.
With all that deadly wind, is all the violence really necessary?
A miracle happened in India two days ago. A child so special was born that villagers are stopping by the parents’ residence and offering donations and prayers in exchange for blessings that probably won’t come true. They call the baby a goddess reincarnated. Her name is Lali.
I’m so happy that the people of India have been blessed by this amazing baby. I’ll bet it’s just the cutest thing ever.
Am I drunk, or does this thing have two fucking faces? The answer: both.
Now that I’ve vomited all over the keyboard, let’s talk about why India is stupid.
Religion
Only a peaceful religion like Hinduism can make everything seem like a blessing.
Got explosive diarrhea? Oh, that’s just Vishnu blessing by expelling your demons in your pants.
Hemorrhoids? Krishna is blessing you with motivation, so you don’t feel the desire to sit on your ass all day - it will burn terribly otherwise.
Born with two faces? I can’t even come up with a justification for how that can be a blessing.
Krishna says, “The next time I’m incarnated, I’m comin’ back as a freakbaby with two fuckin’ faces.”
Just for added dramatization, here’s the video of little Lali:
If this baby was born in the US, this kid would have it rough. She’d be an outcast until she was exploited when some sick fuck gets the idea, “Hmmm… two mouths on one girl? Jackpot!” The next 2girls1cup knockoff is born.
As far as I’m concerned, the only miracle in this story is that the baby and its family haven’t been pelted to death with rocks.
This morning I woke up and heard a strange sound. It sounded like 3 billion men all over the world crying in unison. I got to work and noticed every man in my office weeping quietly to himself as if his mother just died.
Nobody would tell me what was wrong, so I decided to check Fox News to see if there was an explanation. When the home page loaded and I read one of the headlines, I felt the tears making their way to my eyes. In an attempt to crawl out of her pornstar image, Jenna Jameson has removed her breast implants.
OK, so I’m exaggerating a little bit about my sadness. I like porn, but I never was a huge fan of Jenna. In fact, normal porn is kind of lame to me. I never understood the idea of jacking off while watching another dude with a giant wang pounding the shit out of a girl with an asshole the size of France.
One minute, you’re watching a pretty girl playing with herself and you get in the groove of stroking it. At the best part, there’s a knock on her door and the “cable guy” comes in to “check her box.” The story takes a terrible turn and then you realize that he was actually referring to her vagina.
Maybe my thought process is fucked, but that kind of porn is just not for me. I prefer a little lesbo action, or maybe a sensual nature video like this one. Don’t watch that nature video at work.
Back to Jenna Jameson:
“I am definitely on the road to having kids in the next few years; I think these days it is widely accepted to have been in the porn industry or to have danced, so that won’t affect my children,” says Jenna about having kids.
That’s the most naive shit I’ve ever heard in my life.
Stripping is one thing, but when you’re one of the most famous pornstars in the world, it’s a little different. I think her children will start getting bullied around age 10 when little Timmy Jameson opens up his locker to find pictures of his mom plastered all over the inside of it. Cum shots, anal shots, lesbian scenes, poop mustaches and butt juices dripping off her face. Yeah… that won’t affect her children at all.
“A picture of my mom being fisted. Reaaal funny guys.”
Apparently, Jenna is very happy with her flat chest and new lifestyle. Everyone else, not so much. Jenna Jameson removing her implants makes about as much sense as a marathon runner removing his legs. I’ll bet her tits look like two deflated airbags now.
