High-fives have been a way for people to bond and express excitement since the 1940’s when civil rights activist Adolf Hitler stood up in front of millions of Germans and showed them how it was done.

The high-five has seldom gotten anyone in trouble. Occasionally, two drunk people would perform an uncoordinated high-five and slap each other in the face, but these incidents are rare.

Comedian Aries Spears (Mad TV) plead guilty this week to harassment after he high-fived a woman’s breast during a comedy routine. Although he escaped a sexual assault charge and avoided jail time, the judge warned Aires not to be slappin’ any more titties for at least 12 months.

Aries Spears as Dollar Bill Montgomery

I’m very aware of sexual harassment and do not condone it – under most circumstances. I learned at a young age that it is acceptable to harass a woman as long as you’re charming about it. If you’re an unattractive and creepy guy, you should avoid bodily contact at all costs. If you absolutely have to give someone a high-five, stick to the basic form.

If you’re someone like me – a handsome, distinguished man with a majestic beard and extremely large penis – then high-fives can be replaced with a sensual shoulder massage followed by a sensitive compliment like, “Carla, I would eat a mile of your shit just to lick your asshole. Would you be interested in a glass of wine and maybe a little anal?”

Confidence is key.

For added bonus, here’s Aries Spears doing an amazing impersonation of LL Cool J, DMX, and Jay-Z.

Pretend for a second that you’re a bright 18-year-old high school student, nearly at the top of his class. You’ve never had a history of violence and never been in trouble. However, you’re greatly bothered by the fact that other guys in your school drive nice cars and have hot girlfriends.

Do you A) succeed in life, become rich and get your own supermodel girlfriend or B) plot a suicide bombing on your school?

Personally I would choose option B because I’m lazy and it’s just easier to blow shit up.

I’m actually kidding, but Ryan Schallenberger from South Carolina wasn’t when he ordered 10 pounds of ammonium nitrate via FedEx and had it shipped to his house. When the chemicals arrived, his parents called the police and Ryan was promptly arrested.

If you can’t grow a decent mustache, don’t grow one at all.

Ammonium Nitrate is what was used to explode the Federal Building in Oklahoma back in 1995. In Ryan’s room, police discovered a year-old journal detailing his plans for a suicide bombing. Ryan also had maps of the school and an audio tape that described his reason for wanting to commit a suicide bombing. The reason: He “hated life, especially rich kids with good-looking girlfriends.”

Oh, boo-fucking-hoo. Besides rich people, who doesn’t hate their life? I hate my life and it’s not even that bad. You know what I do when I’m mad at the world? I get drunk, listen to some Morrissey, and cut myself. God, some people are so emo.

Honestly though, if you had read this story and not seen his mugshot first, you’d think Ryan looked more like this:

Myyyyspaaaace!

Welcome back and “Happy Monday!” Did everyone have a good weekend? I know Chicago didn’t since they had an unusually violent weekend, complete with over 30 shootings and a couple of stabbings to throw in there for fun.

Chicago: It almost appears peaceful from the outside, except for that menacing tower.

I always pictured Chicago as kind of a gangster’s paradise with old school thugs like Al Capone and John Dillinger and hot cabaret dancers like… Renee Zellweger.

I guess it’s more like Grand Theft Auto.

At least 31 people were shot in robberies, drive-by shootings, and gang-related disputes.

Chicago, please stop killing people – that’s Detroit’s job. You guys are the windy city. Shit, just last week a baby in a stroller got blown into Lake Michigan and it was underwater for fifteen minutes in 42 degree water before being rescued. I don’t know how it survived, but it did.

With all that deadly wind, is all the violence really necessary?

A miracle happened in India two days ago. A child so special was born that villagers are stopping by the parents’ residence and offering donations and prayers in exchange for blessings that probably won’t come true. They call the baby a goddess reincarnated. Her name is Lali.

I’m so happy that the people of India have been blessed by this amazing baby. I’ll bet it’s just the cutest thing ever.

Am I drunk, or does this thing have two fucking faces? The answer: both.

Now that I’ve vomited all over the keyboard, let’s talk about why India is stupid.

Religion

Only a peaceful religion like Hinduism can make everything seem like a blessing.

Got explosive diarrhea? Oh, that’s just Vishnu blessing by expelling your demons in your pants.

Hemorrhoids? Krishna is blessing you with motivation, so you don’t feel the desire to sit on your ass all day – it will burn terribly otherwise.

Born with two faces? I can’t even come up with a justification for how that can be a blessing.

Krishna says, “The next time I’m incarnated, I’m comin’ back as a freakbaby with two fuckin’ faces.”

Just for added dramatization, here’s the video of little Lali:

If this baby was born in the US, this kid would have it rough. She’d be an outcast until she was exploited when some sick fuck gets the idea, “Hmmm… two mouths on one girl? Jackpot!” The next 2girls1cup knockoff is born.

As far as I’m concerned, the only miracle in this story is that the baby and its family haven’t been pelted to death with rocks.

This morning I woke up and heard a strange sound. It sounded like 3 billion men all over the world crying in unison. I got to work and noticed every man in my office weeping quietly to himself as if his mother just died.

Nobody would tell me what was wrong, so I decided to check Fox News to see if there was an explanation. When the home page loaded and I read one of the headlines, I felt the tears making their way to my eyes. In an attempt to crawl out of her pornstar image, Jenna Jameson has removed her breast implants.

OK, so I’m exaggerating a little bit about my sadness. I like porn, but I never was a huge fan of Jenna. In fact, normal porn is kind of lame to me. I never understood the idea of jacking off while watching another dude with a giant wang pounding the shit out of a girl with an asshole the size of France.

One minute, you’re watching a pretty girl playing with herself and you get in the groove of stroking it. At the best part, there’s a knock on her door and the “cable guy” comes in to “check her box.” The story takes a terrible turn and then you realize that he was actually referring to her vagina.

Maybe my thought process is fucked, but that kind of porn is just not for me. I prefer a little lesbo action, or maybe a sensual nature video like this one. Don’t watch that nature video at work.

Back to Jenna Jameson:

“I am definitely on the road to having kids in the next few years; I think these days it is widely accepted to have been in the porn industry or to have danced, so that won’t affect my children,” says Jenna about having kids.

That’s the most naive shit I’ve ever heard in my life.

Stripping is one thing, but when you’re one of the most famous pornstars in the world, it’s a little different. I think her children will start getting bullied around age 10 when little Timmy Jameson opens up his locker to find pictures of his mom plastered all over the inside of it. Cum shots, anal shots, lesbian scenes, poop mustaches and butt juices dripping off her face. Yeah… that won’t affect her children at all.

“A picture of my mom being fisted. Reaaal funny guys.”

Apparently, Jenna is very happy with her flat chest and new lifestyle. Everyone else, not so much. Jenna Jameson removing her implants makes about as much sense as a marathon runner removing his legs. I’ll bet her tits look like two deflated airbags now.