Steve Wilder, 55, from Omaha wins the mock award for “man who most likely could have been a surgeon, but probably wasn’t smart enough to pass the exams” after he performed a tracheotomy on himself .

A tracheotomy is a surgical procedure that involves cutting a hole in the throat of a person to allow them to breath if their airway is blocked above the trachea. I think the trachea is located somewhere around your butthole.

Steve woke up in the middle of the night and found that his throat had swelled up, preventing him from breathing. Inside of calling 911 and then waiting to die while the EMT’s were jacking off in the ambulance, Steve grabbed a steak knife from the kitchen and made a small incision into his throat. Everything worked out fine and he is recovering from the incident.

I’ve got a lot to live for and I’ll tell you, I would rather just call 911 and hope they arrive before I die. I learned my lesson about being my own surgeon when I tried to super glue a deep gash on my arm and it just ended up giving me a chemical burn that got infected.

This reminds me of the scene in Anaconda where Jon Voight put a wasp in Eric Stoltz’sesess snorkel, and he had to get a bootleg tracheotomy.

Eric Stoltz, post-tracheotomy.