Every couple months, two celebrities meet and end up getting quickly married, only to regret that decision and get a divorce soon after. Everyone else is kind of just left sitting around and thinking, “What the fuck are they thinking?” Recent Hollywood shitheads to follow this trend include Gary Coleman, Pamela Anderson, Pamela Anderson, and Pamela Anderson.

TV personality and successful “musician” Nick Cannon, 27, recently got married to mentally unstable has-been Mariah Carey, 38, after dating for only one month .

Everyone is happy for the couple, but I’m just gonna say it… YOU STUPID FUCKS!

I’d really like to kick Mariah in the box for using her sex appeal to brainwash young Nick Cannon into making foolish decisions. He undoubtedly grew up, like me, watching all of her videos and making furious handlove to her posters. What’s he supposed to do when he finally meets her and years of sexual fantasies manifest themselves?

Normally, I’d be excited for Nick for nailing a pop legend, but Mariah Carey has a history of being unstable. She’s also pushing 40-years-old which means that her vagina has maybe another five years of decent use before it dries up like an African watering hole.

And what would be more cliché than falling in love and getting married in the Bahamas after only one month? How about the enormous tattoo that Nick got on his back, spanning both shoulders – it says “MARIAH.”

He should’ve gotten it a little smaller so he could change it to “FUCK MARIAH” after their divorce is finalized next month.