The search for the coolest kid ever is over. Look no further than 13-year-old Ralph Hardy from Newark, Texas. I don’t have a picture of Ralph, so I’ll just show you this picture of the second coolest kid ever:

Bonus “cool points” for being Asian.

A couple of weeks ago, little Ralph Hardy called one of his father’s credit card companies and ordered an extra card. He answered all the security questions correctly and waited for the card to arrive in the mail. When the card arrived, Ralph took his friends on a $30,000 shopping spree and bought a bunch of electronic equipment and video games. The fun didn’t stop there though.

Ralph and his friends got a motel room nearby and decided to call up a couple of $1,000 per night hookers. When the girls arrived and questioned the age of the kids, the kids said that they were midgets traveling with a circus – the best lie ever. But, instead of having hot super-illegal sex with the hookers, all Ralph and his buddies wanted to do was play Halo on the Xbox with them.

“Last person to ten points has to give Ralphy a rimjob!”

A delivery guy who was sent to the motel earlier to drop off some munchies for the teenagers became suspicious of the situation inside the room when they asked him if he knew where they could “pay to score with some chicks,” so he decided to call the police. What a jealous asshole.

Since the cops aren’t stupid (lol), they figured out something was wrong and ended up arresting Ralph. His original story to the police was that he won a World of Warcraft tournament and he thought that winning something and then celebrating with hookers was the normal thing to do. Later, Ralph changed his story and said that his father wouldn’t mind what he did because he had forgotten to buy him a gift on his birthday.

Little Ralph ended up being convicted of fraud and was given a three year community order… whatever the fuck that is. I would’ve paid to be there when Ralph’s dad got the call from the police. No word on whether or not the prostitutes actually got paid that night… and pimps don’t accept excuses.

“We’ll ask you one last time bitch, where the fuck is our money?”