Northern Germany is a scary place. It has vast forests of unspeakable dangers. Aside from their overpopulation of polar bears and feral chinchillas, there is another terror even greater: wild boars.

An 18-year-old car thief was involved in a high-speed pursuit with police in Northern Germany, when he decided to bail out of the car and run into some nearby woods. Running away from cops through the forest is usually a good idea because it’s really hard to run uphill and hop over fallen trees when you’re a fat piece of shit.

“I’m gonna get that guy! Riiiight after I finish this.”

The car thief probably thought he was about to escape until he stumbled upon a herd of angry wild boars right after entering the forest. How ironic; he escapes one group of pigs and runs right into another.

During this time, the police were obviously still standing at the edge of the woods and playing paper, rock, scissors to decide which one was going to continue the pursuit on foot. They heard the crook screaming for help and ran into the woods and rescued him from the vicious beasts… and then arrested him.

“When is the department gonna get us some new hats?”