What is it about you Floridians that makes you end up on Sidecarsally News over and over again? You live in a beautiful, sunshiney state with amazing weather, countless tourist attractions, and your ex-governor is Jeb Bush – what more could you ask for?!

Don’t get me wrong, I love you all the way that you are. I’m glad you’re a bunch of crazy fuckers because it would be a lot harder finding material to write about if you were from, say, Wyoming .

These guys are so stupid, they don’t even have a tent .

See? That’s nowhere near as interesting as, “Florida man robs bank, but gets head stuck in door.”

Anyway, we’ve all heard the saying, “Look both ways before you cross the street.” The same thing also applies to crossing the lawn.

2-year-old Chelsea Moore is still in critical condition at a Florida hospital due to a deadly showdown with her grandparents’ lawnmower. The little girl was hangin’ with her grandma when she “darted” across the lawn to see her grandpa who was cutting the lawn on a riding mower. The grandfather failed to see the toddler and ran over her leg causing severe lacerations.

Get this: The actual picture used in the article is a menacing photo of a push mower.

“Raawwwrrr, I am evil lawnmower with a dangerous red glow!”

This story raises a couple of concerns for me:

1) How fast can a 2-year-old “dart” across a lawn anyway? Grandma probably just let her run out there not thinking anything about it. “Ooh, look how cute. Little Chelsea is running to go see her grandfath-OH MY GOD!’

2) Since the grandfather was ultimately the one who failed to see Chelsea, does this not prove that old people are unfit to drive even the most basic moving vehicles?

Since it was just her leg and not her head, hopefully little Chelsea will make a full recovery. It’s just really sad that somebody more deserving of this fate didn’t happen to be running across the lawn. Someone like Barrack Obama bin Laden.

Rid your lawn of pesky Obamas.

This story reminds me of a scene from my favorite movie “Dead Alive” where Lionel uses a lawnmower to mow down a group of zombies in his house.

“Party’s over.”

It’s pretty much the exact same thing except in this case, it was a toddler instead of a zombie. And there was only one toddler instead of a group of them. Actually, I guess this is nothing like that movie. I think I’m gonna watch it tonight anyway